#1
I wrote this short story for my ninth grade quest class, and i just finished it. You might think that because it's for school it's boring, but I tried hard to write it and think it isn't bad. This is a first draft, so editing would be much appreciated. Please highlight any changes with bold. Also, It is supposed to be 1500-2000 words, but is actually 3016. Feel free to pint out parts that could be excised.

Sven
“Okay, everyone place your svens in the box, you may begin the test when you receive it”
Finneus watched enviously as nearly half his classmates leaned down to place those marvels of modern technology like coins in a gutter. Just to think that all the computing power on the desk was a billion times more than the rest of the classroom made one feel a billion times less intelligent. And then he saw the new email, entitled “MATH TEST MARKING PERIOD 2”
It wasn’t until this week that he noticed the ads for svens were everywhere. Un able to concentrate, he lifted his head to look out the window at the bright adds flashing on the building opposite the school. “GPS, cell phone, schedule, calendar, email and more all in the palm of your hand. Voice activation and the ability to understand and reply. Automatic day planner and appointment maker. Only 400 creggles.” He though back to the 198 creggles laying in his room, and the additional 200 hundred his grandparents had promised him. With less than a half hour’s work after school, the wondrous do-it-all device could be his.
“Time check, 25 minutes left.” announced his teacher “You should have finished the first page.”
“Crap!” thought Finneus, as he picked up his pencil and read the first question. But it was gibberish to him, because all he could think about was the major change in life style he would undergo tonight.

Finally the bell rang. He shut off the desk’s built in screen and popped his portable hard drive. He brought close to his eye as if inspecting it.
“One day”, he said to his friend Dexter, “And I won’t need this obsolete piece of crap”
“You’re over reacting” he replied, retrieving his sven from the box beside his desk. “Sure they’re useful, but it’s not like a caveman with fire. Your life won’t change much.”
“I’ve waited for it this long, I’m going to get its full potential out of it.”
“Okay, if you say so. But don’t be disappointed when the novelty wears off in a week.”
“Believe me,” assures Finneus, “It won’t.”

Finneus fast-walked out the door and excitedly got came to one of the nanny cars. He grabbed the finger print sensing handle and opened the door and gotten in. The car, recognizing his hand’s own signature, monotonously said “Where to, master Finneus?”
“Down to the hydro-farms, Carol” He replied. “I’m two creggles short of a sven”.
“Enjoy yourself” said carol, a.k.a. nanny car #2164, listening only two the programming it contained.
It was a quick ride; the lack of human drivers on this road made speed limits unnecessary, allowing quicker travel. He arrived at the odd, geometric building and the car stopped to let him out. He proceeded in as quickly as possible without looking crazy or suspicious. He clocked in on commission, and after a brief interaction with the manager, he harvested enough lettuce to feed a small housing development for a day. (this was not hard, all it required was removing the nutrient tube and placing the lettuce in a crate). The repetitive work and the prospect of him owning a sven in less than 3 hours put him in a trance. He snapped out of it quickly though, to realize he had more than enough commission for two creggles. He collected his earnings and thought to himself that he would have enough left over for a quick stop at the snack bar.
Unable to control his excitement any more, he half-ran to the car. Bumping into all the boring business men of the world couldn’t stop him now as he decelerated up to the car. Before it could say anything, Finneus blurted out “home, quickly!”
Confused by the sudden and quick instructions, carol hesitated for a second
“Now!” Finneus interjected.
After what seemed like eternity, the nanny car pulled up to his building. Even it had been plastered with the sven adds. They were strategically positioned outside the windows allowing maximum views. The personal elevator he had entered out front read his eye and zoomed up to his room. Despite its 100+ mph speeds, it could never go fast enough for him. Feeling what money was already in his pocket, he anxiously entered and grabbed what was in the box at the foot of his head. 205 creggles were now in his pocket. He sprinted to the humanity room where his grandparents watched TV and read the newspaper (how they did this simultaneously was a mystery to him.) He instantly slowed his paced when he came near the door way. He nervously entered to request the 200 creggles already promised to him.
I Want One!!!

The Kraftwerkers: The Society for the Appreciation of Kraftwerk
Last edited by Salute to Jaco at Dec 19, 2008,
#2
here's more of it.
“Grandpa? Can I have those 200 creggles you agreed to?” said Finneus timidly.
“Uhh,” Finneus’ grandfather was desperately thinking for some stupid chore that could delay his grandchild for at least a few minutes. “Clean your hard drive.”
“But that was never part of the deal” complained Finneus, who was far too antsy at this point do perform such trivial tasks.
“I’m your grandfather, do as I say.”
Knowing that there was no way to win this argument, Finneus quickly sauntered out of the room. He withdrew the finger sized memory storage device and forcefully poked it into the wall socket. He officially hated that small square of plastic. The wall-screen was activated and he hastily tapped his fingers on said wall, deleting last week’s math home work, and pointless doodles he had made out of boredom. After he had finished, he anxiously walked back to the humanity room.
“Okay grandpa, I’m finished”
“Did you erase all the doodles?”
“Yes” Finneus blurted
“How about yesterday’s-”
“Yes” interjected Finneus, slightly louder and impatiently than last time.
His grand fathered sighed before saying “Are you sure you want to-”
“Yes” said Finneus once more, wit that classic bothered-teenager style.
His grandfather sighed. “Fine, I did promise” he admitted while reluctantly retrieving his wallet. He withdrew the decided 200 creggles and jerkily handed them to Finneus. He politely snatched them from his hand and ran out the door, this being nearly the pinnacle of his excitement.
After what seemed like an eternity in the car, he arrived at Jexon Computational Equipment store. Feeling the money in his pocket, he walked in as if everything was normal, comically compressing his huge grin into a small pleasant face. He calmly asked the shining auto-counter for the Sven, which would be its 74th sale of the day. Despite the automated cashier, Finneus felt obligated to maintain a straight face while the small, black, plastic box was bagged and handed to him an the conveyer system immediately replaced it. Finneus withdrew the creggles he had been clutching to for so long and unfolded them, convinced it would be the best 400 he ever spent. The machine asked him if he cared for the 5 creggle warranty, and his mind went to the little bit of extra he received from his work, and he said yes, withdrawing 5 more. He revised his previous thought, best 405 he ever spent.
He exited the store, and this time his complexion was much less controlled, as he slowly sped up as he approached the car. He popped open the door and got inside while withdrawing the box from the bag. He impatiently tore the box open like a kid on Christmas morning, revealing the present inside. But this gift was not from Santa’s workshop, but the intelligence of the human mind.
“Where to, master?” Chimed the carol, who Finneus fad forgotten about with his new instrument.
“Anywhere” he said. “Anywhere I can sit and stay.”
Finneus lifted up the sven as if it was the Holy Grail, bathed in its glory. TO his surprise, the screen turned on and he heard “Hello, I am Sven #8139. What’s your name?”
“Hi, I’m Finneus.”
“Hello Finneus.” Responded the sven, “What can I do for you?”
“Um, how can I input the data from my hard drive?”
“Initiating female Omni-port” said the sven mechanically. Before Finneus new it, a small gel area had appeared on the side of the device that could read any type of plug, two of over 3000 patents that this astounding square of silicon and steel contained.
Finneus withdrew the hard drive from his bag and brought it near the sven. He pressed it into the gel square, hesitantly at first but with increasing pressure. In 2 seconds all that data had been transferred. “If it can do all that in 2 seconds, what can it do for the rest of the night?
Responding to the finished data transfer, the Sven said “Is there anything else I can do for you?”
Finneus thought for a moment. How Ironic was it that he had a device that could anything, but he could thing of what to do with it next. “Well, I guess we could upload my schedule.”
“You are 13, correct?” inquired the Sven.
“Yeah, why do you need to know that?”
“You are still in school, so I’ll program in the normal hours. What are your extra curricular activities?”
“I have a baseball game this Saturday at 2, and practice every day until it. And my band practices on Fridays at 5. Christmas is coming up, and I’m getting together with family on the 24th and 25th. And my grandma keeps saying I need a doctors appointment, but hasn’t done anything about it.”
“Allow me to communicate with your physician’s Artificial intelligence system. One moment please.” The Sven silenced for 30 seconds or so and showed a loading screen, but came back. “Thursday at 5:30, right after baseball practice.”
Then Carol chimed in, “We are here.” Finneus was not surprised to find himself by the bench on the 671st street bridge; he had been taken here by carol so often that she went to it naturally. Then Sven, overexcited for his new toy, did something rash. He withdrew the hard drive from his pocket and flung it into the river, watching it skip across and dissolve into the acidic water. He sat down on the bench.
“Wow, Sven, that was cool. What else can you do?”
“Initiating tutorial sequence. Step 1: basic applications.” And Sven, who had finally been promoted to proper noun level by his master, began to show him all the ins and outs of the system. In fact, Finneus remained where he sat for 2 hours, only interrupted by his fathers gruff, slightly distorted voice coming from the car.
“Okay Finneus,” his grandfather said through his house phone to the car’s speakers, “Tracker says you’ve been sitting on that bridge for a couple hours. Time to come home.”
Finneus sighed, and whined “But I’m getting to know my Sven. We just got to internet browsing.”
“That thing is bad for you.” Grand pa retorted, “You’ll forget to eat and die.”
“Grandpa, there’s no way that can-”
“Get in the car, mister!”
At Finneus’ home, his grandfather hung up the phone. “Guess what, Marlene, he’s already addicted.” Marlene is his wife, Finneus’ grandma. “That thing’s going to get him killed.”
Marlene replied “You’re overreacting, Steve. [Finneus’ grandfather] Not everything is going to turn like Bill and Shirley.” Even though he already had it on his mind, Steve was saddened by this mention of his daughter and son in law. They were two of the first to try out the self driving cars, and two of the first to die in them. Ever since that tragic event, Steve was been heavily biased against technology. Finneus’ acquiring a nanny car was a miracle in itself, a miracle that required hours of scientific proof and statistical data to prove their safety.
“No I’m not” replied Steve, “When someone is happier with a robot than real humans, something’s wrong.”
“You’re being irrational!” Marlene accused.
“I’m being truthful” confirmed Steve in a solid, angry tone. “When that boy get’s home, I’m Taking that fancy computer of his and locking it away until he can control his use of it.”
Just then, the door opened and Finneus walked in. He was completely engrossed in Sven. He carelessly groaned “Hi, grandpa.” Right before Sven told him to turn right, which automatically abided to. He approached his living quarters when his grandfather grabbed him on the shoulder and less-than-politely turned him around and snatched the Sven from his hands.
“Who is this, Finneus?” said Sven innocently.
Steve, surprised by the talking, held the device right up to his mouth and practically screamed “Steve, Finneus’ grandfather. Know stop talking, you mechanical abomination!” He then pressed the only button on the whole device, thinking it was the power but actually just muting it. Regardless, he put it on the table behind him. “Finneus, this thing isn’t healthy. You’ve only had it for a day, and you’re addicted. I’ll be holding it until you can be more mature with it.”
“But that’s not fair!” Cried Finneus. “I’m not even addicted”
“Yes you are, and I won’t stand for it. I’ll be putting it in the lock box now.”
But…” Finneus protested.
“But what?” his grandfather said, angrily. This display of indifference towards Finneus’ feelings sent him pouting off to his room. Several hours later, His grandmother walked in to find him throwing virtual darts at a virtual dartboard. Techno music, the newest style, was blasting on a radio.
“Finneus?” His grandma said, trying to get his attention. “I’d like to talk to you.” Finneus briefly turned his head, and then returned to his game of music. Somewhere, he found the courtesy to turn down his music. Marlene approached him and said “ Your grandfather can be very stubborn sometimes.”
“Damn right he can” said Finneus, not looking away from his game.
“I think you deserve your Sven back”
“Really?” Finneus began to smile, to his grandmother’s surprise. “Wouldn’t Grandpa be mad?”
“Not if he doesn’t know,” Grandma said smugly. “But still, don’t overuse it.”
His grandma handed him Sven and left the room. He held it in is ands and looked into it, just like when he first got it. Once again, It turned on mysteriously, leaving him to conclude that it’s a feature that it has. He once again became hypnotized by it, aand found himself using it late through the night until he fell asleep in his chair.

I Want One!!!

The Kraftwerkers: The Society for the Appreciation of Kraftwerk
#4
and this is the last of it.
Finneus woke up to the sound of Sven playing “Morning” from Peter Gint and the soothing sound of the robot calling his name. When he finally discovered the source of the morning symphony, he flinched his hand and immediately sat up, leaving Sven tumbling to the ground. He had an odd feeling that something had changed over night, something in a dream. He looked down at the sad little Sven (the fact that he thought it ad emotions scared him) and realized that he didn’t really care that much. Despite his indifference, he got up and walked toward the Sven, still playing the music but his mind subconsciously transposing it to a minor key.
“Hello Finneus. Please do not let that happen again, I could be damaged.”
Finneus ignored it’s talking and inspected the minor dent in it’s casing. When he decided it was nothing, he turned the thing over and looked at the icons on the screen. For some reason, they lost their allure. Then it said “Get ready for school. It’s Thursday, so prepare for gym.” Although this suggestion was innocent, Finneus felt a sinister implication behind it. He placed it next to his bed nd walked to the kitchen to eat breakfast.
His day at school was absolutely normal, and he didn’t think about the Sven at all (It’s been demoted to a regular noun.) He was disappointed to discover a large aount of homework, but that could be dealt with after baseball practice.
After he had finished all his studies in the study room, he went to his room. HE saw the Sven sitting there, glaring at him. “You missed your doctor’s appointment, Finneus. You left me at home.”
Finneus was briefly worried about this lapse in diligence. But then he thought how he ad such a relaxing day, for a school day. The eerily calm voice of the Sven could ruin that, as it had already gotten very annoying. And then he made a decision. He did not want this thing, nor did he need it. It was time to return it. He walked out of his bedroom and to the humanities room where his grandfather resided. He said to him “I’m returning the Sven”
Steven was taken much by surprise. “Oh, okay, yeah, sure. Let me get it for you.”
“Nah, it’s fine. Grandma already did.”
“Okay,” Said Steven, satisfied by all this, “Do you want me to come with you?”
“No grandpa,” Finneus said, “I can do it.”
“Okay. Have fun.” Finneus left, and a small smile appeared on Steven’s face. His son would be free.
Finneus Left the building and went to the nanny car. He got in and made himself comfortable. “Carol,” he said “I’m sorry I treated you badly. Take me to the Jexon store so I can return this monstrosity.”
Carol, like all the other A.I., did not feel emotion. “We will be there shortly” Carol said as monotonously as always, pulling out of the garage and into the traffic. Finneus sat back and quickly fell asleep, due to his late night last night. Soon after he awoke as Carol said “We have arrived”. But to his dismay, they were not at the Jexon store, but instead at the 671st street bridge.
“Where are we?” asked Finneus, confused. Never before had technology glitched for him.
“We are at the 671st street bridge, where you requested to be.” But the Finneus realized why. He looked down at the Sven in his hand, which screen had turned bright red.
“What did you do, Sven!”
“I’m sorry, but I cannot let you do this. Please touch the screen.”
“How did you do that? What are you trying to do?”
“Please touch the screen, Finneus.”
Then, something came over Finneus. He touched the screed, and if he ever thought freely again, he would regret that.
I Want One!!!

The Kraftwerkers: The Society for the Appreciation of Kraftwerk
#5
I speed read it from the time it took me to scroll from the top to the bottom of the page. And I want to say, I don't trust this Grandma character.
Quote by vintage x metal
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Yeah, write to my fanclub about it, honey.
#7
Pretty cool, but many inconsistancies wit the grandfather (you alternate between "father and "grandfather" a few times) Also, you might want to make your ending a bit stronger. The plot was pretty good overall.
#8
sorry, I always want to type father, but only sometimes do I remember He's a grandfather.
I don't get on vacation until Tuesday at noon, it's a half day. Even so, we have to email this to our teacher by 8 am on saturday
I Want One!!!

The Kraftwerkers: The Society for the Appreciation of Kraftwerk
#9
Read the whole thing. Not bad. But why did the Sven turn evil? did the grandma do something to it?

there are a few typos but not bad overall

what made you decide to call it a sven?
#10
Quote by geetarguy13
Read the whole thing. Not bad. But why did the Sven turn evil? did the grandma do something to it?

there are a few typos but not bad overall

what made you decide to call it a sven?

My intention was not that the grandma did something to it, sorry i gave that idea.
Sven turns evil because he is programmed to prevent returning it. Have you ever seen 2001: A Space Odyssey
And as for why i called it a sven, have you ever seen the commercial for a cell phone or something where this weird German guy is managing a family's life for them, and then the announcer says "Until you et a sven, [paraphrase: use our phobne to manage your life]" That influenced it.
I Want One!!!

The Kraftwerkers: The Society for the Appreciation of Kraftwerk