#1
No idea how good this is. Probably quite cliche, and disjointed, although it is very rough at the moment. C4C if I have time (probably will though)
**=not sure on line
*=not sure on word
HAPPY CHRISTMAS ALL!

Sit And Wait

Countless nights I lie awake
Recalling bedtime horror stories
You tell them well
But I hear the other side
Surrounded by these candles,
White lights that burn straight through my eyes
I clamp them shut,
But still they force their way inside

My life's built around
The piece of paper pinned to the wall
Bearing reassuring words,

Lost memories still haunt me,
Good times that I've forgotten
I'm sure that they will all return to me
On sweeping winds from the eastern hills,
Ride empty, lifeless souls
They had their time so long ago,
But they're still hurting me


The question though,
Do I bide my time
While I sit and wait for my demise
Or do I turn my back and try to run and hide
Long days and frequent nights,
Spent searching for a less rocky drive,
It's the glimpse of hope and faith that keeps me going
I'm like the clouds,
Unrestrained
But forced into following
The unpredictable north-eastern wind**

Lost memories still haunt me,
Good times that I've forgotten
I'm sure that they will all return to me
On rolling mists from the eastern hills,
Ride empty, lifeless souls
They had their time so long ago,
But they're still hurting me
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

Last edited by jon93971 at Jan 2, 2009,
#2
Quote by jon93971
No idea how good this is. Probably very cliche, and disjointed. Although it is very rough at the moment. C4C if I have time (probably will though)
Also, the title is just some random line, so it most likely won't stand
**=not sure on line
*=not sure on word
HAPPY CHRISTMAS ALL!

Sit And Wait

Countless nights I lie awake
Recalling bedtime horror stories
You tell them well
But I hear the other side
Surrounded by these candles,
White lights that burn straight through my eyes
I squeeze* them shut,
But still they carve* their way inside

I'd say for this first stanza, that where you've put the astrix's is where the problems lie, squeeze seems out of place and awkward, and its the same feeling for carve, I dont know what word you could put in there for them, because I dont know what your trying to capture with the words, but that's where things become disjointed as you stated, apart from those two little hiccups the rest is quite enjoyable.

The flickering path that lies ahead
Unforgiving, unpredictable
At times I wish that I could turn my back instead

Nothing that can really be crit'ed here, its very nice.
Lost memories still haunt me,
Good times that I've forgotten
I'm sure that they will all return to me
On sweeping winds from the eastern hills,
Ride empty, lifeless souls
They had their time so long ago,
But they're still hurting me


Again, this is brilliance, nothing that I could see worth bringing up, very nice indeed.

The question though,
Do I bide my time
While I sit and wait for my demise
Or do I turn my back and try to run and hide
Long days and frequent nights,
Spent longing a life despite**
The glimpse of hope and faith that keeps me going

As with the first stanza, you know where your own problems lie, and you know what needs to be fixed, apart from that the rest of the stanza is fine.
Lost memories still haunt me,
Good times that I've forgotten
I'm sure that they will all return to me
On sweeping winds from the eastern hills,
Ride empty, lifeless souls
They had their time so long ago,
But they're still hurting me


Its a fine piece, very nice read, intellegent and well thought out, you know where your problems lie, now you just have to find out how to fix them, ha ha.

If you could, check out twelve walls for me, links in my sig, cheers
#3
Hey thanks for the crit,


Sit And Wait

Countless nights I lie awake
Recalling bedtime horror stories
You tell them well
But I hear the other side
Surrounded by these candles,
White lights that burn straight through my eyes
I clamp* them shut,
But still they force* their way inside
Good start

The flickering path that lies ahead
Unforgiving, unpredictable
At times I wish that I could turn my back instead
This was lacking something, maybe another line. The ahead/unpredictable/instead, didnt work by itself.

Lost memories still haunt me,
Good times that I've forgotten
I'm sure that they will all return to me
On sweeping winds from the eastern hills,
Ride empty, lifeless souls
They had their time so long ago,
But they're still hurting me
I like the imagery, and general descriptiveness in here

The question though,
Do I bide my time
While I sit and wait for my demise
Or do I turn my back and try to run and hide
Long days and frequent nights,
Spent searching for a less rocky drive, **(not sure about the imagery/metaphor here)
But the glimpse of hope and faith still keeps me going
Good

Lost memories still haunt me,
Good times that I've forgotten
I'm sure that they will all return to me
On sweeping winds from the eastern hills,
Ride empty, lifeless souls
They had their time so long ago,
But they're still hurting me


I liked this piece. It wasn't overly complex but had nice imagery and descriptiveness. Apart from that one 3lined stanza, It flowed really well. I also liked the title alot.
this one is for you.
Last edited by Ebshabutiee at Dec 20, 2008,