#1
I'm wondering in particular if this piece is clear enough. Thanks! C4C!!!

how weak a hold we have
on the paths we try walking
we have only eyes to see
and there is something more
beneath everything

the distance so far
between where we want to go
and where we really are
it's so far apart

are we who we want to be?
will we ever be?

such limited control we hold
over the way things go
how much do we know?
will we ever know?
will i ever see
beyond the putrid lining
that betrays reality
placed so carefully
between the harsh truth
and me

i'm not who i want to be
i ask with all my heart
rebuild me
We're only strays.
#2
we have only eyes to see;
that there is something more

The first verse needs some sorting out with it's word order. Yes, unusual/quirky/different is okay, as long as you keep it going. So maybe change L3 to something like:
What a s-something-y sight we see

Stanza two, I didn't like the repetition of far. It just felt like you had run out of ideas, and so resulted back to repeating yourself.

I'm not too sure of what to think on the sudden change of tone with the introduction of "putrid", betrayal, and "harsh". It was good, but the fact is that all of these stanzas have just one theme, there is no real development beyond "we" believing that who they are and who they will be is out of their control. Only the very last line hints at something new, a glimpse of personality -paranoia- into this. The idea of who has this control, if not us. What they do with it. Why.

Anyway, this change of tone -would- have worked if you had brought with it something else, a new development perhaps. Otherwise it is just a different perspective on the same thing. However, it does bring the piece to a climax, I'm just looking at the sub-text here. As I said, I'm not too sure what to think of it.
#4
Thanks for replying, guys. I guess my aim (hehe) with this piece was more like creating an emotional landscape, if you will. It does have a climax, but no, it doesn't really go anywhere. I'm fine with that, as long as it is emotionally provocative. Obviously it's going trigger more feelings in someone who has asked questions similar to those.

The questions are not without answers, they are intended to provoke questions in the listener.

Also, the repetition in the second stanza is kind of an effect for the vocals, you know? Something for the singer to say after the stanza.

About the lines "How much do we know/will we ever know," that second line is directly chronological to the first. How much do we know? Will we ever know how much we know - or don't know? Kind of like that, if that makes sense. :/
We're only strays.
#5
I'm going to be honest with you. I read a lot of these lyrics on UG and this is the first time I haven't cringed at a song. I really liked it.
#6
Quote by MrCuddles
I'm going to be honest with you. I read a lot of these lyrics on UG and this is the first time I haven't cringed at a song. I really liked it.


Haha, well thanks. Watch your back, though.
We're only strays.