#1
Life Is Like A Fish Tank And God Forgot To Feed Us Tonight,
But He Never Forgets To Turn Off All The Lights.


Well, Baby, I’m not religious,
but the winter brings me back
to thinkin’ about the past.
I never relapse,
but my hands relax
and I think of all the lovers
I don’t wish I’d never had.
Back then, I used to call them
by their first and last names,
I haven’t spoken them in ages...
Words that eased off my tongue
are now contained in a memory,
I guess that means that
they will always be a part of me.
Silently.
I’ve grown apart,
mostly impartially,
to figuratively thinking
and seeking for the meanings
of the things I’ve been a-dreaming
in my head when I'm a-sleeping.

I never wake up thinking
that the world is just beginning
but I always go to bed
with the thought it may be ending...
Last edited by BluePaintCult at Dec 24, 2008,
#5
I thought the last stanza didn't fit well with the other, in terms of how it was written. That, and the use of 'thinking' again so soon.

The first one, though, man, good ****.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#7
Ehhh, I'll nitpick this.
I'm bored.
Disregard anything I say if you want (it's 4:15AM here).

Well, Baby, I’m not religious,
but the winter brings me back (I hate all these seasonal pieces.)
to thinkin’ about the past.
I never relapse,
Forgive me if I'm wrong, but isn't this an oxymoron? Going back to thinking about the past is relapse, right? Or is that the point?
but my hands relax
Boring pointless filler. Yes, it's an extremely pretty rhyme, and the flow is super smooth, but I don't give a sh*t about your hands. Tell me more about your head.
and I think of all the lovers
I don’t wish I’d never had.
Cringe at the grammar. I know it's purposeful, and it makes more sense to be there than not...but still.... ewww.
Back then, I used to call them
by their first and last names,
I haven’t spoken them in ages...
I generally don't enjoy seeing ellipses in pieces.
Words that eased off my tongue
Re-word this so it fits even better with the next line. Something like "Words that once/used to ease/slide/roll off my tongue".
are now contained in a memory.
I guess that means that
they will always be a part of me.
Silently.

I’ve grown apart,
mostly impartially,
to figuratively thinking
and seeking for the meanings
of things I’ve been a-dreaming
in my head when I'm a-sleeping.
This was really great, but I think you really overdid it with the last line.

I never wake up thinking
that the world is just beginning
but I always go to bed
with the thought it may be ending... Ellipses point again.

Sorry for the lack of nice-ness here, I thought I'd just do that here at the end. I really enjoyed it from "memory" through to the end, you really got it nailed down in that section. The rest was good, but in comparison rather lacking in content and form.

Anyway:


That. Was. Great.

Not brilliant. But nowhere near as low as a good.
Last edited by ginjaninja at Dec 20, 2008,
#8
last stanza is indeed great.
ADELOS
POP PUNK
for fans of...

Motion City Soundtrack, Get Up Kids, Jimmy Eat World, Transit, Brand New, Dashboard Confessional, Early November, Fall Out Boy, Jawbreaker, Polar Bear Club, The Story So Far, the Wonder Years, Something Corporate.
#9
beuatiful, man, really good.

I would have preferred something more fishtank-based though, eg:

Swimming around in circles,
I see your face in the glass,
Hearing you call in my underwater world,
A 10 second-memory past.

etc.
#11
this was really nice. Nothing earth-shattering but well written and an overall great read. Really enjoyed this one
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#12
I love the title...lol.

The song itself has a lot of great material, but it sounds wierd to me... but i'm sure it sounded a lot better when you were thinking about it and writing it down or something.
#14
I gotta tell ya, the title is what caught my eye. It reminded me of a song title I thought of a couple of yrs ago ( but never wrote any lyrics to)
" It's like having Jesus stare at you from across the room in a Juke Joint in Mississippi, but never asking you to dance"
Just thought I'd share that with ya
#16
I loved it. All the off rhymes were perfect and the last stanza tied it together perfectly. I agree with ginjaninja that the last sentence kind of overdid it. Still, a fantastic piece. Keep up the good work. 5/5
Quote by darkstar2466
Don't fret man.
#17
I really dig the title and "lovers I don't wish I'd never had."

I thought the "I'm not religious" and lines from "Back then, I used to call..." to "Silently" were a little uninspired, content-wise, but the internal rhyming throughout this is extremely well done, and probably my favorite part of your writing. Overall, it was definitely worth the read.

Let me know if you record it, and enjoy your Christmas!
#18
I actually loved it (: To me everything was nicely written. As well, it kinda sounded like something I would write, I have this one poem that's realy similar to yours @__@; so I thought that was nifty, made me like it more. and You're amazing at rhyming too, something that I fail at. So I'm slightly jealous. ;p
and yeah.. Amazing job. keep it up ; )

And the tittle made me giggle (:! hehe~
#20
Quote by CreeperMuffin
I actually loved it (: To me everything was nicely written. As well, it kinda sounded like something I would write, I have this one poem that's realy similar to yours @__@; so I thought that was nifty, made me like it more. and You're amazing at rhyming too, something that I fail at. So I'm slightly jealous. ;p
and yeah.. Amazing job. keep it up ; )

And the tittle made me giggle (:! hehe~



thank you ... i'd like to read it.
#21
im guessing this piece is for a band
and im guessing something in the post hardcore region


i could be completely off im kinda drunk
I'm an asshole.
#23
Like most, I think this is pure genius and I wish I had written it!

I never wake up thinking
that the world is just beginning
but I always go to bed
with the thought it may be ending...
#24
Like most, I think this is pure genius and I wish I had written it!

I never wake up thinking
that the world is just beginning
but I always go to bed
with the thought it may be ending...