#1
NEED TITLE!!!(and honest opinion please, thanks) The paragraphs are supposed to be indented but when I pasted it it showed up like this. peace...


Lars Freeman awoke to the familiar high-pitched, annoying sound of his alarm clock going off. He reached across his bed and hit the snooze button and laid there for nine more minutes. Lars grumbled and reluctantly got out of bed when the alarm went off for the second time. He stumbled out of his bedroom and walked into the kitchen. There was a note hanging on the front of the fridge. Lars quickly read over the note.

“I got called into work today. There is some leftover pizza in the fridge and there is twenty dollars I left on the counter. We’re running low on food. If you need to get a hold of me just phone my cell”. – Love, Mom.

Lars’ mom, Mary Freeman, was a nurse and it seemed like she was always working, especially lately. Lars opened the fridge and took out a piece of the leftover pizza. After he finished the pizza he showered and got dressed. He grabbed the twenty dollars his mother left him on the counter and walked out the front door. He started heading down to the grocery store on the other side of the street.

It was a cold day for July, and it was cloudy and gloomy. It was also very quite. The only noise that could be heard was the faint sound of sirens in the distance. When Lars walked into the grocery store he noticed something strange. There was nobody but him in the whole store. He walked around and checked the different aisles but still didn’t see anyone. He heard more sirens outside but they were closer this time. They sounded like they were right outside the store. Lars looked out the front windows and saw an Ambulance followed by two police cars speed pass. “What the hell is going on?” Lars murmured to himself. Just then a man came running out of the bathroom to the right of Lars wielding a baseball bat. It was too late. Lars had no time to make a move. He felt the baseball bat smash the side of his face and everything went black.

Lars awoke with the worst headache he had ever had. His vision was blurred and the side of his face swollen. Lars gathered his strength and managed to stand. His head felt like someone was pounding on it with a sledge hammer. The man was nowhere to be seen. Lars stumbled out of the front doors and started walking back to his house. It was dark out now and there was something very bad going on. Lars could hear screaming, gun shots, and sirens all around him. As he got closer to his house he could see two people in his yard. They were fighting each other, a man and a woman. “God help me!” the woman screamed. The man dug his hand into her stomach and ripped her insides out with his bare hands. Lars stood there completely frozen in shock and fear. He could hear the sound of flesh being torn from her stomach as the man ripped her intestines out. Holding the bundle of bloody intestines in his hand, he shoved them into his mouth. The lady was still alive. She was screaming the most blood curdling, terrible scream Lars had ever heard. The man was chewing on her intestines. Lars nearly vomited at the sight. He gathered up some courage, ran up, and kicked the man in the face. The man made a growling sound and fell to ground. Lars ran back inside his house as fast as his quivering legs could carry him.

Lars locked the door and ran to the phone. He dialed 911 but the phone was dead. “You have to be ****ing kidding me” He yelled in frustration. Lars heard smashing and scraping on the front door. He was in complete shock and could hardly move. Before he could do anything the door smashed open and the man came charging at him. The man had a chunk of his jaw missing and blood and puss were dripping from it. Lars grabbed a knife from the drawer that was luckily right beside him. The man pounced on Lars like a wild animal. Lars was able to dodge his attack. The man turned around and made another try but Lars stabbed him in the eye. He gave out a high pitched shriek. The man twitched and puked out blood and white puss chunks for about a minute and then finally lied on the ground motionless.

The night went dead silent and Lars felt a chill go down his spine. The man laid their face down in a big blood puddle. Lars, still clutching the knife, couldn’t help but staring, mouth agape. He was trying to comprehend the situation and what had just taken place. He felt like he was going to vomit and his limbs went numb. Lars ran to the front door which had been completely smashed off the hinges and peaked outside. The lady had been attacked was nowhere to be seen. “What the hell is going on” Lars whispered to himself. - To be continued
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#4
If you say "Lars" one more time in that story, I'll stab YOU in the eyeball. and +1 to any name above me.
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#5
"First Draft."
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#7
i love zombies, alright story, its difficult to make a zombie story good and not silly, i think the whole thing hinges on the 'realness' of the characters, and the audience should be able to relate to them, sympathise with them, and then feel horrible when they die.

basically i like the idea, but later on your gonna need some character development, maybe also say something about the nature of humanity, possibly a love intrest? i dunno, this is just stuff i like to see in zombie movies.

as for a title, im terrible with titles, i cant even title my own songs that ive written, no title ever seems right
nothing.
Last edited by SaulHudson#2 at Dec 20, 2008,
#10
i love zombie stuff.

this seems pretty good so far
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#12
I don't understand why he ran up and kicked that zombie in the face, the lady was obviously already dying.

EDIT: And is he in any way related to Gordon Freeman of the Half Life series?
Last edited by SOADisdabest at Dec 20, 2008,
#13
Pretty interesting, I can really picture what's going on but why did that guy hit him on the head with a bat and how does no zombies eat him when he's knocked out?
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#15
Quote by imdeth
I'm too lazy to read all that.

Just include the word 'dead' in the title.

Book Of The Dead
Story Of The Dead

>_>


+1 Dead of the Dead? It's original (kinda) and has never been used before.
#17
its a little unreal (lol). theres no reasoning for the zombies to exist as of yet and it would be impossible to be so naive in the begging of the story. great first draft + idea. now go expand
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#18
Quote by Necrotise
+1 Dead of the Dead? It's original (kinda) and has never been used before.



Yeah, but then he's gonna have to include some stupid book...

...Unless there is a book involved, because i didnt read it.
#19
this story is bad, the sentance flow is no good, and the plot is quite flawed, and there is such a thing as too much detail, for instance we dont need to know how much longer he laid in bed
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#22
Quote by huevos
Generic.

A zombie porno script would have been better.
Now that's original.

Unless some of you have fapped to zombie porn already?



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#23
i dont play video games often, but i went over to my friends last night who plays em all the time, and he showed me this mini-game in Call of Duty called Nazi Zombies...

lets just say 6 hours later i was still playin it

so ya u can't really go wrong if there's zombies
#24
this story is bad, the sentance flow is no good, and the plot is quite flawed, and there is such a thing as too much detail, for instance we dont need to know how much longer he laid in bed, also why did you get so into detail about the mom, but not lars
when the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace


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#25
why do you think your opinion is so valuable that it needs to be posted twice between like 6 posts
#26
Quote by jonnyrotten45
this story is bad, the sentance flow is no good, and the plot is quite flawed, and there is such a thing as too much detail, for instance we dont need to know how much longer he laid in bed


Maybe that comes into play later in the story? For all you know so far, that could be a very important part of it.