Page 1 of 3
#1
Title says it all. Post the funniest things your friends have ever said, my contribution:

gf: *singing* **** me in the backseat fer sure maybe fer sure not

gf's friend: *cracks up while drinking water* you *****!! you actual prostituting *****!!!!

gf: **** you! bald skank!!

gf's friend: I HAVE HAIR!!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

friend1: *eating crackers* Man these are pretty heavy for crackers

Me: You're pretty heavy for a cracker!

friend2: OHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

friend1:

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

GO!
Quote by buddha
isnt there a law against not shaving? thats somewere in our constitution. i think it goes something like a girl maybe be a freak in the sheets but no be wild down stairs is treason and for that she will be beheaded.-good old Benjamin F.

#4
Did you hear about the newest Olympic disclipline for the next Games?
It's called "synchronous facepalm".



You will win.
#5
"Way back in the 1920s before niggers were invented"

that was actually me that said that...
Quote by metal Lover
The thought of you humping her limp body is hilarious.


#6
friend:I just pissed in the sink

Me:Why?

Friend:Toilet broke

Background: WHO THE **** PISSED IN THE SINK!!!


sad part is its all true
#7
Friend: It's some kind of...

Me: Psychaedelic experience?

Friend: ... I was gonna say graph.. but that too.
Quote by REBAN primusfan
i enjoy getting boners. they make me feel important.


Quote by chubbychunks
George Lucas didn't invent Christianity, although he was a big contributor.
#8
funny  [fuhn-ee]
adjective, -nier, -niest, noun, plural -nies.
–adjective 1. providing fun; causing amusement or laughter; amusing; comical: a funny remark; a funny person.


What you posted was not^
"I just want to conquer people and their souls."
-Mike Tyson
#9
that is disgustingly not funny.
sex, drugs, and rock and roll have turned into aids, needles, and techno..
#10
two of my friend were getting into some argument about viagra(spelling?) and one asked the other if hes ever sucked a dick he didn't like.
#11
Wow. My friends are about a billion times wittier than yours. Then again, one of them could pretty much become a stand-up if he wanted. But still, your friends sound a little bit retarded.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#13
Friend while drunk: I've just realized that if I close my mouth I have to breathe through my nose.

Might not sound funny here, but the way he said it was hilarious, as if he'd just had an important revelation about the meaning of life or something.
🙈 🙉 🙊
#14
Quote by -tempest-
two of my friend were getting into some argument about viagra(spelling?) and one asked the other if hes ever sucked a dick he didn't like.


1. How the hell can you misspell Viagra?
2. ... what?
#15
friend: dude... whenever we're hangin out, I feel... high...

me: great, i'm the equivalence of weed, great...
_______________________________________

friend: I'm a jew! i'm supposed to pick up dropped change

me:*dropping about 20 pennies*

friend: *picks up every penny*
#17
Friend: "I enjoy grindcore like Suicide Silence and Job For A Cowboy"

me: "We need to have a talk."
MY MUSIC!

Quote by severed-metal

Strawberries are cool in real life, but in ice cream, they're like neighbour kids who live across the street from you who like to steal your virginity.


Gear:
Schecter Hellraiser C-6 FR, C-7 FR, C-8
ESP LTD MH-250 w/ EMG 81/85
#18
While playing a game of squash:

Paul: "I'm like Kevin Federline out here!"

Me" ...Kevin Federline?"

Paul: "Yeh you know...the sick tennis player?"

Me " (Laughing) You mean Roger Federer?"

Paul: "Sure man...just serve."
Your Signature:
#19
Me: Did you hear about that guy on UG who's girlfriend says "fer" instead of "for"

Friend: Well that's oddly curious I believe I have but I don't know where I've heard it

Me: I just said it...

Friend: Well what did you just say? You can not substitute "it" for something unless it is the subject of a sentence in tis case you didn't even state it in the same sentence much less make a complete sentence making that a sentence fragment.

Me: Yer mom's a sentence fragment

Random Guy: OHHHHHHHHHHH

Yeah, I made that all up bite me!
#20
Quote by ZeGuitarist
1. How the hell can you misspell Viagra?
2. ... what?

idk the kids in my class like to arguments about anything and everything, then question each others sexuality, 1.
try to answer that question without looking like a a fag (unless you are one...), 2.
#21
Keep em coming guys!
Quote by buddha
isnt there a law against not shaving? thats somewere in our constitution. i think it goes something like a girl maybe be a freak in the sheets but no be wild down stairs is treason and for that she will be beheaded.-good old Benjamin F.

#23
Quote by Random3


"what do you have (what lesson do you have next)"
"a book"


Quote by buddha
isnt there a law against not shaving? thats somewere in our constitution. i think it goes something like a girl maybe be a freak in the sheets but no be wild down stairs is treason and for that she will be beheaded.-good old Benjamin F.

#25
I don't have any funny quotes... Seeing as I'm the funny one out of all my friends.. And any funny quotes I forget.

Sad, isn't it.

AND OMG... INFOMERTIALS ON TV! >;@@@ *facepalms*
My Gear
Guitars
Cort VX-2V
Basses
Stagg BC300
Amps
Marshall JCM900 4100 DR
Marshall 1965A
Hartke HA3500 Combo
#26
"What's she talking about?"
"No idea. Don't forget she's the kind of girl, in five years, who's goin to be found in a skip, wearing a tuxedo, shouting 'HELP THERE'S BUTTER ON MY FACE' at passersby."

Two nights ago in the pub.
Quote by ozzyismetal
Neopowell, that's because you are a pumped-up sex offender.
Quote by Kensai
You're exactly the kind of person who'd have sex in a bar drunk
Quote by Zero-Hartman
You're a terrible, terrible man. This is a new middle for you.

I write things. You can read them.Essay on UK student riots
#27
Quote by ZeGuitarist
Wow, you sure are easy to please


DAMN STRAIGHT
Quote by buddha
isnt there a law against not shaving? thats somewere in our constitution. i think it goes something like a girl maybe be a freak in the sheets but no be wild down stairs is treason and for that she will be beheaded.-good old Benjamin F.

#29
Quote by ZeGuitarist
^
Somebody? Explain this individual to me?



Oh god mate, just stop trying.

Neither of you are funny.
#30
Quote by ZeGuitarist
^
Somebody? Explain this individual to me?


What's your problem with me?
Quote by buddha
isnt there a law against not shaving? thats somewere in our constitution. i think it goes something like a girl maybe be a freak in the sheets but no be wild down stairs is treason and for that she will be beheaded.-good old Benjamin F.

#31
No problem, you just kept laughing at every single post in this thread.. I thought you were trolling or something.

Quote by mfkr
Oh god mate, just stop trying.

Neither of you are funny.


I wasn't trying anything.
#32
Friend: *looks at sky* Why does the moon look fake?

Me:
| Call me Matt. | | I like music. |
#33
Friend A: "My girlfriend says you're all idiots"
Friend B: "Tell her to get her ass back in the kitchen"
#34
Friend: (completely serious) Oh my God, did you know that tuna sandwiches are actually made out of dolphin meat?
#35
Friend: I feel bad, man, you've got to walk so far and it's snowing out.
Me: Nah, it's cool.
Friend: Still, dude, I mean, what if you get jumped? I'd feel terrible!
Me: ...who the fuck would jump me in this town?
Friend: ...me.

Well it was funny when we were high.
Quote by Tire Me.
Raping her in front of other people would be morally wrong.

Quote by Bubbles516
wtf290 uses make bubbles feel like crap
Its super effective!
#36
Friend: Why are you looking at me like some kind of paedo?

Me: It's an habitual urge; I get it every day at this time.

Friend: Get away from me you walking void.


~~

Friend 1 (quite fat and drinking diet coke): You have a huge nose.

Friend 2 (big nose and drinking diet coke): When I drink diet coke it's not ironic.

~~

(a piece of paper is being blown across the table by the air-con)

Friend: Look...I'm moving it with my mind.

~~

Me: The only reason you're still alive is because it's not strictly legal for me to drive to your house and murder you in your sleep.

Friend: The only reason you're alive at all is because your dad was too fucking stupid to realise that if he fucks your one god-awfully hideous mother without any form of contraception, the result would be this ugly as sin mutant I'm having to talk to right now.

~~

Me (singing): Get up, stand up, stand up for your rights.

Friend: You have the right to get out of my life. Well...go.
#37
Quote by justinrobbins7
While playing a game of squash:

Paul: "I'm like Kevin Federline out here!"

Me" ...Kevin Federline?"

Paul: "Yeh you know...the sick tennis player?"

Me " (Laughing) You mean Roger Federer?"

Paul: "Sure man...just serve."


The only funny thing in this here thread.
1. Open My Computer.
2. Open C:
3. Click on WINDOWS.
4. Open the folder "Media."
5. Click on the file "onestop."
6. Listen.
#38
Me: "Anyone wants some cookies."

Friend: "I must have one, because I am fat."

God, I could fill a book quoting things he said.


#39
Me: "There's a reason this is illegal: it tastes illegally bad"
██████████████████████
██████████████████████
██████████████████████
██████████████████████
██████████████████████
██
████████████████████
██
████████████████████
██████████████████████
#40
Quote by Mockstairwell
The only funny thing in this here thread.


Finally, somebody who agrees.
Although I didn't even find that funny.
Page 1 of 3