#1
I wrote this about a month ago and I was wondering what people thought about it, any feed back would be great, thanks in advance.

2 Shots

The first one is for my fallen hopes and dreams
It numbs the pain and takes me away
The second one, is the opiate
For when you drove your knife into me
I sat here crying, but know I’ve gotten back on my feet again
And I’m here to let you know
I’m so happy for you
You just destroyed my life
I was 2 shots away, from happiness
Why can’t you just, stay the hell away?
And let me live in perpetual abyss
Now I’m sitting by myself
Cause all my “friends” have left me
And now I’m drunk as hell, trying to drink you away
But you just won’t leave
And I keep crawling back for more punishment to my heart
But I’m still here
I’m so happy for you
You just destroyed my life
I was 2 shots away form happiness
Why can’t you just, stay the hell away?
And let me live in perpetual abyss
I’m so happy for you
You just destroyed my life
I was 2 shots away from you
But then that bastard came, and took you away
And now I drink to soothe my pain
It only hurts when you get close
The deepest cuts hurt the most
It only hurts because I let you in
That was my mistake but you left it in shards again
I’m so happy for you
You just destroyed my life
I was 2 shots away form happiness
Why can’t you just, stay the hell away?
And let me live in perpetual abyss
I’m so happy for you
You just destroyed my life
I was 2 shots away from you
But then that bastard came, and took you away
And now I drink to soothe my pain
#3
Please write out your numbers with letters.

This has a lot of potential, there are a few great ideas in here. But you hide it all away, the lack of a real structure (I'm not talking about chorus/verse/break etc, but sectioned ideas) really didn't allow it to develop, and it felt like you kept coming back to the same old angst-y ideas.


EDIT: Captain Obvious, "The deepest cuts hurt the most".
That phrase is meant to be "the first cut...", but you should change it to something like "the mental scars..." I don't know. I generally hate people writing about self-harm, 'cause ninety-nine times out of a hundred, it's sh*t.
Last edited by ginjaninja at Dec 21, 2008,
#4
Hey, thanks for all the imput, I meant to go back and write out the numbers but I guess I just never got around to it. But I'm not really getting what you mean by it lacked structure, if you could explain that a little more that would be great.