#1
leave a link, or offers for sexual enhancement pills.

Putting out past the break water
in a lobsterman's ferry;
"You take what you pull, and leave what you can't carry"
For the next man may not be as lucky.

He cut the engine, we began floating.
Every man that made it out was devoted.
The wake behind us, carried for a distance.
A breeze gave no assistance.

Reading the names with skilled illiteracy,
was never neccessary.
Colors of the stern, and height of the cabin
were like brail in a working man's eyes.

Friends of the family, and family of friends.
Waiting on the boulevard in attire
only correct in the presence of god.
Thats what these vessels were.

His heart and pulse would always be circulating,
into and out of the nets.
The name of your love, stamped on the stern,
even though you will never forget.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
Last edited by freshtunes at Dec 21, 2008,
#2
Waiting on the boulevard in attire
only correct in the presence of god.
Thats what these vessels were.

I didn't like that part

this was very well done. Good tone and nice ending.

I'll probably come back to try to be more helpful but for now, these are my thoughts right now.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#3
I think you wrote it in a good, unchanging tone, and I applaud you for that.

But I couldnt grasp any real emotion or feeling or subject matter.

The imagery was very good and well written


But most of all, I love your sig, 3 simple words, 'see you outside. ' make these into lyrics, I dont know what it is but they are brilliant
#4
unfortunately i haven't been able to log on lately and comment,
but this was great Nick.

just thought you should know.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#5
It's nice, experimental, and content.

Just a couple of off points where the flow felt obstructed.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#6
Quote by freshtunes
leave a link, or offers for sexual enhancement pills.

Putting out past the break water
in a lobsterman's ferry;
"You take what you pull, and leave what you can't carry"
For the next man may not be as lucky.
I like the way the verse begins, but I feel the second half of it is rather cliche
He cut the engine, we began floating.
Every man that made it out was devoted.
The wake behind us, carried for a distance.
A breeze gave no assistance.
I really like this verse, especially the rhyming in the last two lines, it flowed very nicely and didn't feel forced in the least.
Reading the names with skilled illiteracy,
was never neccessary.
Colors of the stern, and height of the cabin
were like brail in a working man's eyes.
I also really like this verse as well. It is very strong in my opinion. I do feel that the last line would be stronger as a metaphor than a simile.
Friends of the family, and family of friends.
Waiting on the boulevard in attire
only correct in the presence of god.
Thats what these vessels were.
I like how this verse has a meaning but is also open to personal interpretation, as well. I also like how the first line of the verse was constructed.
His heart and pulse would always be circulating,
into and out of the nets.
The name of your love, stamped on the stern,
even though you will never forget.
I like how it all ends in a somewhat open-ended way, somewhat cliche, but not too bad. I also like the imagery that is in the beginning of the last verse.

All in all, I enjoyed reading this. Not much else to say other than what's already written. If you'd like, I wouldn't mind having one of my pieces critiqued as well

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=17748913#post17748913
#7
I had a hard time pulling much from this. It seemed like a collection of words that coasted rather than going anywhere. There's imagery of a ship and the sea, but it doesn't tell me anything and I feel like there's nothing going on here.

Maybe I'm wrong.
Poor advice.