#1
Holocaust:

I looked into your eyes, but your empty stare shows no signs of life
Your just another victim of the propaganda machine
Blindly following your leader like a dog follows his master
A master of death and disaster

This is a conquest to oppress and dehumanize
Millions and millions of innocent lives
In the darkest of hours I stayed strong
When they threw me in the chamber I stayed strong

I looked around and saw the faces white with fear
Praying to a God who didn't seem to hear
I saw the children in their mother's arms
And I closed my eyes and prayed to god that it would end

As the gas filled my lungs and my breathing slowed
The last thing that went through my head was my family back home
And I realized their the reason that I'm here
So that this never has to happen to them and with this I died...Crit 4 Crit
With an irresistible blend of reggae induced hip-hop and catchy pop-punk hooks, Half Chance Heroes captivates audiences with their unique sound and energetic stage show. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8bSU0u8uvM
Last edited by Descendent-182 at Dec 21, 2008,
#5
Quote by Descendent-182

Ok, I'm going to be brutally honest here.
Holocaust:

I looked into your eyes, but your empty stare shows no signs of life
Weak opening line IMO, far too cliche
Your just another victim of the propaganda machine
I liked this line, paints a good image of the Nazi regeime (which I assume is what your're reffering to)
Blindly following your leader like a dog follows his master
Again weak. It just seems so out of place. Try using 'darker' imagery here to tie in with the whole Holocaust theme
A master of death and disaster
Good

This is a conquest to oppress and dehumanize
I liked it
Millions and millions of innocent lives
I'm not so keen on your repetition here. I like the idea though
In the darkest of hours I stayed strong
I think a comma at the end of this line would work well
When they threw me in the chamber I stayed strong
These last two lines I really liked. I shows that the Holocaust was actually the darkest time of their lives. A good use of repetition here

I looked around and saw the faces white with fear
Good, but a little cliche for my liking
Praying to a God who didn't seem to hear
Liked it a lot
I saw the children in their mother's arms
I don't know if this line actually adds enough to the piece for it to be worth keeping. I suppose it shows that anyone can be in that situation. It also 'gets' to your emotions which is good. BUT, if you want to keep it, I suggest maybe one other line that is similar, to make it stronger. It doesn't work too well on its own IMO
And I closed my eyes and prayed to god that it would end
Nice


As the gas filled my lungs and my breathing slowed
Good imagery
The last thing that went through my head was my family back home
Again, it 'gets' to your emotions, and makes the reader more involved, which I like a lot
And I realized their the reason that I'm here
weak line
So that this never has to happen to them,
Alright, but I think it could either be improved or replaced
and with this I died...
You really need this line break here. Otherwise it just seems far too rushed. If you did go for the line break, it would be a very strong closing line

there you go I was as honest as I could be here. there were some very nice parts, but the majority of it needs a bit of work to bring it up to speed withe the really good parts. C4C?? Check out 'Sit And Wait' in my sig. Also if you have time, have a quick look at 'Berlin' here cos it's kind of similar to your piece here. If you do look, though, PM me your comments as that thread is pretty old now. Oh yeah, C4C on that as well
Jon
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

Last edited by jon93971 at Dec 22, 2008,
#6
Before I read, lyrics about the Holocaust....are you sure?

After I read:

Blindly following your leader like a dog follows his master

This struck me as being horrifically weak

To rhyme master and disaster is a crime against lyric writing.

and with this I died.
Brilliant final line, I really liked this

Overall, considering the subject matter, you didnt do amazing but you didnt f it up either, I have to say it improved considerably throughout, if you redraft using the crit from above then you could really improve this.
#7
Kind of a cop out, but by and large I have to just agree with Jon. I will differ in a few places:

Mostly I disagree with the comments on the first stanza I personally like the third line except for the "blindly" part, you already have the dog imagery, you already have a great rhyme with leader and master, you don't need to be redundant and put blindly (which also conjurs a cliche phrase). And I think the last line of that verse is pretty poor, just because its simple in the worst kind of way and you've already had a (much much better) rhyme with master--that's not a word to keep rhyming at that point.

Agreed on the second stanza, except that I think the mother's arms line should remain.

And ditto on the last stanza.

I'll go with Joni on saying that this is alright overall, but it's pretty damn hard to make something explicitly referencing the Holocaust and do it tastefully or even with much originality. I don't think you quite pull it off. That's nothing to be upset about, it's just an incredibly difficult task and it's a good thing that you're bold enough to try. Be glad to see what else you write. Keep at it.