#1
sorry for these dribblings. some more branched off stuff to come. I got some ideas.


GMJALMT,AOLWSG part III

warm rain would have been better than cold
but anything was better than snow
for dancing lights and a christmas show
felt almost good
till we chose to go home

soaked up, water logged,
soggy clothes taken off
I wrung myself out into her
sharing the weight of a thousand stones
of water, frozen as we stopped time,
together forever

but as spring came we thawed
forgotten red boat
washed down the gutter
my dreams melted away with it
her compass shifted
a train pulled in
a suitcase lifted
leave this place
and never miss it
twisted trees swallowed
her capsule
a track I couldn't follow
now only the stars can see her
and only Orion's arrows could reach her
cupid lost a valentine dreamer
to the distance between two spikes in a railroad
a hope and a dream
one was you, one was me
and all the cliches in the world about saying goodbye
couldn't describe this time.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
Last edited by jiminizzle at Dec 21, 2008,
#3
jimi i've never actually gotten to read you until you started posting here lately.
man i have to say that i'm enjoying every bit of it.

sorry for the belayed comment/absenteism.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#4
haha i'm really glad you're liking it. Umm yeah never really got around to posting anything till a couple weeks ago haha.

thanks guys.

yeah, kyle, I'm kind of unsure of these ones. I don't know. I just know I'm biased to liking them so I can't tell if they are any good.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#5
i really like the title, if the title is the same as the thread title...
so yeah. there's not much i dislike about this piece, but the main one would be the word her in the line "I wrung myself out into her" i don't know if that's just me because i don't really like songs that say her or you or i or anything along those lines. BUT, i love how you use the word her throughout the rest of the piece. so im on the fence with this line. and that's pretty much it for me dislikes. i really really really love the two finishing lines, and the line about railroad spikes (I'm definitely going to steal that one from you, but of course make it a little diffferent if you don't mind. if ya do lemme know yeah). and the compass line is very nice aswell. someone has clearly red the page on here about clichés and put it to use so good job on that. and yeah, good stuff. and i hope to see more of your work around in the future. cheers eh
#6
Really REALLY good man. Especially "a hope and a dream/one was you, one was me," and "now only the stars can see her." Not too much I would change, except the line "together forever" just seems to stand out as below par with the rest of the piece, you know? There's probably some significance to it that I'm missing but I would change it to something with more impact. Also, maybe try fitting more meat into the first stanza, just to make it a really good intro.

So yeah, not too much I can think to change with it really. Thanks for the crit on my piece!
We're only strays.
#7
thanks man. I agree with your points. I'll take them into consideration

thank you for your thoughts too messiah
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#8
warm rain would have been better than cold
but anything was better than snow
for dancing lights and a christmas show
felt almost good
till we chose to go home
Good start. I liked the first two lines. I think the last two lines should just be one, but that's more of a style thing than anything.

soaked up, water logged,
soggy clothes taken off
I wrung myself out into her
sharing the weight of a thousand stones
of water, frozen as we stopped time,
together forever
The first two lines rhymed/flowed really well. The rest of the stanza is pretty good except the last two lines felt a bit choppy.

but as spring came we thawed
forgotten red boat This part really threw me off.. Maybe it's a personal thing though?
washed down the gutter
my dreams melted away with it I like it.
her compass shifted
a train pulled in
a suitcase lifted
leave this place
and never miss it
twisted trees swallowed
her capsule
a track I couldn't follow
now only the stars can see her
and only Orion's arrows could reach her
cupid lost a valentine dreamer
to the distance between two spikes in a railroad
a hope and a dream
one was you, one was me
and all the cliches in the world about saying goodbye
couldn't describe this time.


Overall, I liked this. Flowed well, and told the story vividly without being blunt or cliche. Good piece overall though, sorry I couldn't give you many suggestions for improvement but I did what I could!
ADELOS
POP PUNK
for fans of...

Motion City Soundtrack, Get Up Kids, Jimmy Eat World, Transit, Brand New, Dashboard Confessional, Early November, Fall Out Boy, Jawbreaker, Polar Bear Club, The Story So Far, the Wonder Years, Something Corporate.