#1
hi everyone! i needed some place for people to rate my lyrics...until i stumbled upon this site so here they are and thanks =D


Cold December, do you remember,
How we felt when you made my heart melt.
Now I’m missing, all the things, that you do.
As, I stare out, at the window, and think about you.

Do you feel like something’s missing?
Do you feel like you need me by your side
Can’t you feel the vibes between us?
Or will you wait till my heart collects more dust.

You’re the light in my darkest night.
You give me hope when I just feel so damn broke,
I hope you see what you mean to me,
So read the signs and read my mind,
And just think of me tonight.

So Long December, Here comes spring, I hope for love rekindling.
The birds, are singing, and the trees, just swaying in the breeze
Oh, Please Don’t Say No, if you want to, just don’t ever let me know.
I’ll keep you in my memory, and remember for eternity.

Do you feel like something’s missing?
Do you feel like you need me by your side
Won’t You Say that you love me too?
Just Don’t treat me like a stupid fool.

You’re the light in my darkest night.
You give me hope when I just cant ever cope,
I hope you see what you mean to me,
So read the signs and read my mind,
Won’t you think of me tonight

All my life I’ve been waiting for this moment
Please don’t lengthen the painful torment
All I need is just one more night,
And I’m sure we will never fight.

You’re the light in my darkest night.
You give me hope when I just cant ever cope,
I hope you see what you mean to me,
So read the signs and read my mind,
Just think of me tonight
#2
some of the rhymes feel really forced. but it's a good start.
keep on writing.
Gear

-Schecter Tempest Custom
-Ibanez EW20WNE-NT
-Digitech Bad Monkey
-Boss TU-3
-Boss NS-2
-ibanez PM7
#4
''You’re the light in my darkest night.
You give me hope when I just feel so damn broke,''

Hope broke, it dosnt fit in with the rest. atleast thats how it feels to me. i don't know how it will sound when its played.
Gear

-Schecter Tempest Custom
-Ibanez EW20WNE-NT
-Digitech Bad Monkey
-Boss TU-3
-Boss NS-2
-ibanez PM7
#6
Quote by Trecion
''You’re the light in my darkest night.
You give me hope when I just feel so damn broke,''

Hope broke, it dosnt fit in with the rest. atleast thats how it feels to me. i don't know how it will sound when its played.


yeah i agree. It's good writing though, maybe you should just decide whether it needs to rhyme or not in the first place.
#8
Quote by CantReadTabs
i dont get what you mean by that =X please explain thanks =D


It means that you're so concerned with getting rhyme in places that the lines you write and the words you choose come off sounding very unnatural and awkward.

Personally I thought the few bad rhymes weren't overbearing and you already had a lot of good ones (memory and eternity are very nice together)--I was just trying to get at what the others probably meant. I do think your images and metahphors are terribly cliche and cheesy-- heart melt, side by side, heart collects dust, light in my darkest night.

These have been used so much throughout the history of teenage angst that they don't actually mean anything or have any impact anymore. You might as well fill your song up with day to day greetings: "how's it going, what's up, s'up, hey" They're common utterances that don't amount to anything and no one interested in lyrical content wants to hear a song made out of them.

There are plenty of strategies for getting fresh metaphors/images, or revitalizing dead ones. I think you can start with this question: what is cliche about December and lost love? After answering it, come up with a metaphor outside of the cliche list, and start building the whole song around it.
#10
This song makes me laugh... I sooo see myself here, every lost relationship of mine has been in December.... I like it but there right about the ryhming. Can't say I do any better though
Bring Back the Music

I am a gear whore... Any little odds and ends that is in the middle of nowhere, I am coming for you

UG Missle Silo

Quote by SvnStringMaster
It sounds way hot, fuzzy, and like i shoved a mic up my ass and ran up the stairs.