#1
I'm alone tonight, it won't be the last time
The jury shouts guilty! and I settle back in line
Just hoping for a change, But What I do is fine
Just gonna be a nobody, for the rest of my life

So I pray for the day, when we'll talk about
The things we dream of, and the things we shout
The things we'll buy, the things we'll throw out
The thing I won't have, The thing i'm without

So make me smile, So make me smile
For one last time

So make me smile, So make me smile
Just try and make me smile

It's gonna be gettin late, so i'll stick around
Couples and their kids , in this goddamn town
I have no sense of loss, to try and get me down
I have no shackles on, to keep me bound


Thats basically it so far, I haven't finished it. Just tell me what you think. Crit for crit as always.
.Brand New.Bright Eyes.This Will Destroy You.

THRRRRRRRREADKILLER!
Last edited by Cpt.Jackass at Dec 22, 2008,
#2
guilty!
Quotation marks around that please.

Just hoping for a change, But What I do is fine, and
The thing I won't have, The thing i'm without
It's gonna be gettin late, so i'll stick around
Sort out the capitals.

Couples and their kids , in this goddamn town
Spaces around the comma?


Proofread it all please.
#3
Quote by ginjaninja
guilty!
Quotation marks around that please.

Just hoping for a change, But What I do is fine, and
The thing I won't have, The thing i'm without
It's gonna be gettin late, so i'll stick around
Sort out the capitals.

Couples and their kids , in this goddamn town
Spaces around the comma?


Proofread it all please.


Thanks, that was constructive. Like I said, I haven't finished it, so grammar isn't the No.1 priority. It's still readable, isn't it?

Here's a little crit for yourself: Try not to be a twat, and assess the content of my own and other peoples work, rather than the grammar. (I'm assuming your twat like comments have extended further than this thread).
.Brand New.Bright Eyes.This Will Destroy You.

THRRRRRRRREADKILLER!
#4
The thing is, there isn't much content here. The only solid image in the first stanza is the jury shouting, then the next is couples with kids, which is pretty weak, and the last is shackles, which without a context rendered useless.
#5
Quote by ginjaninja
The thing is, there isn't much content here. The only solid image in the first stanza is the jury shouting, then the next is couples with kids, which is pretty weak, and the last is shackles, which without a context rendered useless.


Why didn't you just say that in the first place? That's far more helpful than correcting my grammar. I've never been one for metaphors and what not, mainly because I've never been very good at them, so I find it difficult to project a certain feeling without actually writing it as it's thought in my head.

But thanks, that was more helpful.
.Brand New.Bright Eyes.This Will Destroy You.

THRRRRRRRREADKILLER!
#6
Quote by Cpt.Jackass
I'm alone tonight, it won't be the last time
The jury shouts guilty! and I settle back in line
Just hoping for a change, But What I do is fine
Just gonna be a nobody, for the rest of my life

I like the feel from this. It's like all hope is lost. Great for a sad song.

So I pray for the day, when we'll talk about
The things we dream of, and the things we shout
The things we'll buy, the things we'll throw out
The thing I won't have, The thing I'm without

The use of repetition is good here. I would add an "s" to the first "thing" in the last line to keep the pattern and it also emphasizes the final "thing" which will seem more important. Also, this contrasts pretty good with the first paragraph by instilling hope in the situation by praying and conversing.

So make me smile, So make me smile
For one last time

So make me smile, So make me smile
Just try and make me smile

It's gonna be gettin' late, so I'll stick around
Couples and their kids , in this goddamn town
I have no sense of loss, to try and get me down
I have no shackles on, to keep me bound

This one is kind of rough cut. The last two sentences seem like their lacking in some way. I can't put my finger on it. Maybe stay with the kids/couples idea?




I like the idea of the song. Hope is a great thing to settle on for a song. I 'hope" this turns out to be a great song. Pun intended... C4C? My sig. Thx!
Quote by darkstar2466
Don't fret man.