#1
Lars Freeman awoke to the familiar irritating sound of his alarm clock. He reached across his bed, hit the snooze button, and laid there for a few more minutes. He grumbled and reluctantly got out of bed when the alarm went off for the second time. He stumbled out of his bedroom and walked into the kitchen. There was a note hanging on the front of the fridge. Lars quickly read over the note.

“I got called into work today. There is some leftover pizza in the fridge and there is twenty dollars I left on the counter. We’re running low on food. If you need to get a hold of me just phone my cell”. – Love, Mom.

Lars’ mom, Mary Freeman, was a nurse. It seemed like she was always working, especially lately. Lars opened the fridge and took out a piece of the leftover pizza. After he finished the pizza he showered and got dressed. The twenty dollars was sitting on the counter next to phone. He grabbed the money and headed out to the grocery store.

It was a cold day for July, and the sky was gray and dismal. It was as silent as a dream, and he didn’t see a soul around. When Lars walked into the grocery store he noticed something strange. There was nobody but him in the whole store. He walked around and checked out the different aisles but still didn’t see anyone. “Is anyone there?” Lars asked, but there was no reply. After a few moments of silence a man came walking in from one of the back doors. Lars’ stared at the man frozen with fear, mouth agape. The man was missing half of the skin on his face and there was blood all over him. He stared emotionlessly into Lars’ eyes. Lars was unable to move from the shock of it. The man bolted towards him with a blood curdling scream. Lars gathered himself and ran as fast his quivering legs could carry him...
end

what do you think so far
With an irresistible blend of reggae induced hip-hop and catchy pop-punk hooks, Half Chance Heroes captivates audiences with their unique sound and energetic stage show. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8bSU0u8uvM
Last edited by Descendent-182 at Dec 22, 2008,
#4
Two-Face! For the love of GOD someone get the Bat signal working!
Quote by Agent Paul Smecker
They had no idea what they were in for. Now they're staring at six men with guns drawn. It was a f***ing ambush.
This was a f***ing bomb dropping on Beaver Cleaverville. For a few seconds, this place was Armageddon!
There was a firefight!
#7
So would Morgan Freeman...
Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who...
Quote by Necrophagist777
I'm ORION, LORD OF EVIL, give me your soul and breathe in my darkness.

YOU WILL NOT ENJOY THIS......
╭∩╮( º.º )╭∩╮
#9
wait a minute marty friedman?
Quote by dragoo-mon
+1 to carcass255, he knows funk will lead the way


Quote by DimebagLivesOn
Pies? You're the drunk one!
#11
Yes, I think you should probably change the name...


Other than that, quite a good start. Very Shaun Of The Dead.
Quote by frusciante_man1
cakemonster..you are truly my hero
HONK
Quote by DeSean
HONK!I like your cake.
Quote by olif8
And Cakeface, why didn't you sig my

HONK!

from that other thread?


Quote by LordBishek

I can't stand it any longer.


HONK


Honk if you love cake! HONK!!
#13
Oh, it's a story you wrote.

In all honesty, I didn't like it. There was too much needless information, and too little information.
RAZZLEFRAZZLE
#14
i wrote a zombie story for school a couple weeks ago
it was really freaking awesome
i'd post it but i didn't type it and the only copy is at school
maybe someday i will

Formspring


Quote by guitarxo



<--- this is a symbol of being awesome
#16
Quote by rocker138
Two-Face! For the love of GOD someone get the Bat signal working!

Holy catastrophic women, Batman!
Quote by Jackal58
If I was Santa you'd all get shit for Christmas.
#18
Quote by mrwaffles
So would Gordon Frohman.


So would Heath Le....nevermind...

SUE ME!
Quote by Agent Paul Smecker
They had no idea what they were in for. Now they're staring at six men with guns drawn. It was a f***ing ambush.
This was a f***ing bomb dropping on Beaver Cleaverville. For a few seconds, this place was Armageddon!
There was a firefight!
#19
Quote by SoWrongItsMatt
Oh, it's a story you wrote.

In all honesty, I didn't like it. There was too much needless information, and too little information.

Says someone with Frazzle Razzle in his signature. Its way to big and has alot of usless information.


OT: other then that, i need to read a little more of the story, know the characters etc. but its a good start.
Quote by Holy Katana
Your last job only paid you $7.00 AUD an hour? That's like $6.05 in the US. What the hell is the minimum wage over there?


Quote by titsmcgee852
$0 for volunteer work

ollollolollol


^
#22
its

Cliched... to cliched, very predictable

lacks originality

lacks description

characters are 2 dimensional

writing is simple.. perhaps too simplistic

lacks cohesion

... i could go on and on . these are the basics you need to work on. I see you have an idea, which is a start...
#23
i think i speak on behalf of everyone when i say that this story needs is a hot zombie-sex scene! (then i'll be interested)
#24
Quote by petrina_678
its

Cliched... to cliched, very predictable

lacks originality

lacks description

characters are 2 dimensional

writing is simple.. perhaps too simplistic

lacks cohesion

... i could go on and on . these are the basics you need to work on. I see you have an idea, which is a start...



You know it's probably a school thing? Therefore, it doesn't have to award-winning.
Quote by frusciante_man1
cakemonster..you are truly my hero
HONK
Quote by DeSean
HONK!I like your cake.
Quote by olif8
And Cakeface, why didn't you sig my

HONK!

from that other thread?


Quote by LordBishek

I can't stand it any longer.


HONK


Honk if you love cake! HONK!!
#25
Quote by cakemonster91
You know it's probably a school thing? Therefore, it doesn't have to award-winning.


lol ok but i still think school or not, it can be improved!!

he did ask for comments
#27
tl;dr
Quote by guitar-godfrey
when i grow up i wanna have blackandsilver's babies!

Quote by angusfan16

Quote by Scowmoo
..
HOLY HELL.

nice discovery, sir.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last edited by coryklok : Today at 01:10 PM.
#29
Quote by petrina_678
lol ok but i still think school or not, it can be improved!!

he did ask for comments



Well, just saying. Unless he has a real bitch of a teacher (about 99% chance of that though ) they won't be complaining too much.
Quote by frusciante_man1
cakemonster..you are truly my hero
HONK
Quote by DeSean
HONK!I like your cake.
Quote by olif8
And Cakeface, why didn't you sig my

HONK!

from that other thread?


Quote by LordBishek

I can't stand it any longer.


HONK


Honk if you love cake! HONK!!
#30
Quote by Tedward
Gordon Freeman would have something to say about that...



yeah but i think lars ulrich would sue.
✠ ☠ ✠
RIP Ronnie James Dio


Fendi Shoes is actually extremely advantageous.
#31
i stopped reding when the name Freeman came up.
Joža je kul. On ma sirove z dodatki pa hambije.
#32
Did he kill the zombie with a crowbar?
Quote by Kumanji
How about you don't insult my friend's dead mum, you prick.


Quote by JDawg
Too be he had to be a dick about his crayons.
#33
You really, really need to change the name. I can only imagine the main character looking like Lars Ulrich cosplaying as Gordon Freeman and it looks terrible.
#34
Make it like Call of Duty. Him and three friends hide in a house with a mystical weapon box.
Quote by chip46
"I'm discontinuing production on the Timmy now as well. It might come back into production at some point down the road, but probably not because people will just clone it anyway cause they're stupid jerk face doo doo heads. -Paul C."