#1
c4c. I think I'm caught up now.


Grandma wrapped her arm around my waist,
"Comin' to bingo with me, boy?"
She wanted to show me off to her friends
since I've become a fine young man.
"I've already told them you're handsome
and a physicist. I'm so proud of you."

I pulled out a piece of paper and
proved mathematically that no matter
how proud she is of me; some boy will
always be better and his grandma
will always be prouder.
She frowned.
"So you ain't comin' to bingo."
"Nah, but I'll drop you off"

Grandma got the biggest surprise at bingo;
some girl got her B3; shouted at the top of her lungs.
Scared grandma half to death.

Her bad heart got the other half.
#2
Yummy yummy cynicism.


One thing, for me, I'd put the line break here
She wanted to show me off to her friends since
I've become a fine young man.

between friends and since, not after.


I loved it anyway, given me my weekly Zack (Zach?) fix.
#4
that's it, you've found the formula. The perfect blend of cynicism and emotion. This is a very touching piece Zach. I wanting to tear this up seeing as you hadn't come and critted my new piece, but unfortunately i can't. "farewell" in my sig if you want to check it out. Man, this is a great piece.
#5
I remember reading this. I remember enjoying it.

I enjoyed it Sorry I can't add anything.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
some girl got her B3; shouted at the top of her lungs.

That could have been worded better I think.

I enjoyed it, but it felt like it was short. And it's not something that should be longer. I think what I'm trying to say is that this is the usual Zach cynicism, but nothing more. Just a stab of cynicism. I've seen you make pretty emotional shit, but instead, this is just a stab. Like a story of an old woman forgetting her heart medication and dying alone. It's depressing, but it doesn't quite engross me.

Meh, I'm probably talking out of my ass. The piece is the same ole Zach that we know and love, and theres nothing wrong with it. But I feel like, because you're a natural with this kind of style, that it's hardly any challenge to you. It's like saying "I'm so awesome, I can walk to the end of the room without falling down." You can, and you're pretty good at it. But something tells me you're ready to move on to bigger fish. I've seen some of your emotional pieces (for Dylan, if I remember it right), and I'd like to see more of that. It may not be the easiest thing that you do, but it's probably your best.

*gets off soapbox*
#7
Damn, that was a fine point, Ben. I enjoy reading cynicism like this - as long as there's an emotion attached to it (like your recent few have had) - but I've been reading similar material for the six months now and I would like to see what else you can procure that will last longer, for a start. And also, something that has nothing to do with a certain point concerning anything obtuse or exotic, nothing about this-that-or-the-other, more like the stuff you post in the Free Post thread. Just dirty ramblings about how you feel. And I don't want fancy analogies about church bells or tea cups. I would like a straight up, no ice, no umbrella vodka and I want to sip it slowly and swallow it so that it burns.

I'm a hypocrite, yes.
Of course, if you don't want to listen to me, I will absolutely not take offence and will still read and read and read.

hehe

#8
Quote by ZanasCross
c4c. I think I'm caught up now.


Grandma wrapped her arm around my waist,
"Comin' to bingo with me, boy?"
She wanted to show me off to her friends since
I've become a fine young man.
"I've already told them you're handsome
and a physicist. I'm so proud of you."

I like the use of dialogue and dialect here. It's also easy for people to relate to as they're parents/grandparents like to show off their kin's achievements.

I pulled out a piece of paper and
proved mathematically that no matter
how proud she is of me; some boy will
always be better and his grandma
will always be prouder.
She frowned.
"So you ain't comin' to bingo."
"Nah, but I'll drop you off"

This verse feels slightly weaker in my opinion, however I think it depicts the situation from the perspective of the kid, trying to nicely decline, but the grandmother is much smarter than that and sees right through it, but also understands her grandson's decision.

Grandma got the biggest surprise at bingo;
some girl got her B3; shouted at the top of her lungs.
Scared grandma half to death.

Her bad heart got the other half.

The ending concludes this piece very abruptly, which is appropriate for this. It emphasizes the idea that people can be taken for granted and we should appreciate what little time we have with them before they are no longer with us

All in all, I enjoyed it, not so much a song but more of a poetic short story. It definitely projects a deeper meaning than just to merely entertain.
If you would like to take the time, I wouldn't mind receiving a critique on a piece I recently posted:

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=17748913#post17748913
#9
Another piece by you that I can only enjoy and sadly not help out on. Awesome stuff.
this one is for you.
#10
Thanks kids.

Ben/Dan; you're absolutely right to an extent. I feel like this is a change of direction from what I used to do. If you look back a ways, I used to just scream and spout a bunch of overtly cynical angry stuff (specifically at religion)... and now I feel like I'm "tucking it in the story" more, which is still a tough balance act for me. I have to be very very inspired to write things like that "For Dylan" or other personal things. I mean, the free post thread is a bit different and sometimes I just freely write about personal stuff and ramble... but to really sit down and feel like writing something personal; I have ot have a damn good reason. The result is this; when I feel inspired... its usually by a story that I've thought up or something... and its usually a bit dark and twisty and looking at teh world through raven eyes.... I really am working toward being able to tuck that cynicism and my personal point of view into something much more tangible and toasty and personal... but for now; I'm working on tucking emotion AND cynicism together. I've recently discovered emotions with in me. I cried for the first time I can remember the other day... ever. I mean, maybe as a baby... but not in my memory. It's quite an interesting time... and right now; I'm just trying to learn to scoop that under the rug of a story before I let it out in all its glory like Bill Clinton in Monica's house. However, you are right that I need to keep heading in that direction and not get hung up. But this is the stuff that comes out naturally when I sit to write... I don't edit, I don't re-read.... this is just me and my imagination.

Thanks everyone else. Should be getting to you soon.