#1
Big Heart, Bigger Boobs


I see that the look in your eyes is growing strong;
the temptation you found at the pink of her thong.
The lipstick was red, it was stained on the rim.
She smiles with wide modesty, and I think her dim.

I ask her back home, to show her how much we had grown,
but forget her at the bar.
I leave with the coat in my car
and ignore the empty spaces left over.

She's inside every boy's head but only wants to leave.
She's ordered another drink but only wants a sip.
She's flirting for space and hoping for air
and all she's getting are double-dyed eyes.

When personality is ignored,
it's easy to misguide your heart.
A shuttle coming in to land without the ground to crash on.
A tearful pilot from the life he knows is a facade.
It's human nature;
we love to fall hard.

She asks him back for dinner but he says he's married.
So, they have sex in the empty dinning room
and forget, just for a while,
what it means to be lost in space.


Digitally Clean
#2
This is wonderfully melancholy, Dan. There are a few iffy lines, but i dont have the time for a full crit. Just wanted to drop a line and quickly let you know what i think.
#4
I will mostly nit-pick. The less I write, the better. Sorry for the lazyness.

Quote by AngryGoldfish
Big Heart, Bigger Boobs


I see that the look in your eyes is growing strong;
the temptation you found at the pink of her thong.
The lipstick was red, it was stained on the rim.
She smiles with wide modesty, and I think her dim.
This last rhyme seems somewhat forced, but I'm liking this. Also, I hate the word "thong" but that's just personal.

I ask her back home, to show her how much we had grown,
but forget her at the bar.
I leave with the coat in my car
and ignore the empty spaces left over.
This is the weakest stanza in this piece. It flows awkwardly, and I feel it doesn't add much information.

She's inside every boy's head but only wants to leave.
She's ordered another drink but only wants a sip.
The repetition of "but only wants" is so poppy it bugs me...
She's flirting for space and hoping for air
and all she's getting are double-dyed eyes.
Me likes these two lines

When personality is ignored,
it's easy to misguide your heart.
A shuttle coming in to land without the ground to crash on.
A tearful pilot from the life he knows is a facade.
It's human nature;
we love to fall hard.
Even though it flows awkwardly, I love this. It just looks damn perfect to me.

She asks him back for dinner but he says he's married.
So, they have sex in the empty dinning room
and forget, just for a while,
what it means to be lost in space.
Amazing finale.


Digitally Clean


Don't get me wrong, I liked this. There are some things that need to be polished. And as you know, I leave that to you. This is very different from your normal piece, which is like fresh air for a while if you know what I mean.

Just keep them coming Dan
#5
Hello sir,

Well... I always count on you to kick me in the ass... so now I shall return the favor.


If I was to be honest, I would say this highlights everything that is weak in your technique and doesn't showcase any of your talents. The title and the last stanza are the only things that I even remotely liked; but I did like them a bit. This was... boring. Something that is absolutely astonishing to me when coming from an individual such as yourself. Allow me to explain why whilst using a list form to make it look more official and important:

  • This was safe beyond all reason. Your content was the same joke of a subject that people have been writing about for years and years. Your "punchline" of fucking in the dining room was predictable from a mile out. As soon as your used the married line, I called it. You're pieces thrive on the idea that you, as a person, look at the world in a way no one else does. Your pieces don't thrive on eloquence or technique or gorgeous images (though all of htat is there, most of the time), your pieces thrive on the fact that when I read you... its like looking through the eyes of an alien; because its such a completely different take on the world.
  • This was BORING writing. In the middle I was just thinking; dear Jesus... make him move on to something that matters! I was sick of "she's the type of girl" **** by the third time you referenced it. The "forgot her at the bar" line was unique and very "Dan..." but everything else was like reading (I know this is harsh, but I feel you need to hear it) a novice poet. It was so; 'check out my images! Yey! Check out my obviously quirky ideas that make me a poet! Yey!' The thing that I (and I think many others) love about your writing is the fact, I can become totally engrossed in just following your bread crumbs and become immersed in a world that only you can paint... this was so standard. So easy. So normal. There is nothign here that shows me you have the ability to weave masterpieces and beautiful scenes from words. You used more than 4 stanzas and barely even constructed a character; you mostly constructed what I could summarize in "she was a stereotypical barfly" and then we could have moved on to something more tasty.
  • Finally, I didn't believe you at all. As a narrator, you didn't develop a voice... and even when it hit its stride at the end... there was something about it that just made me know you were talking shit. I was just so aware of the narration and so aware that this was being told from an outside point of view; that maybe was involved at somepoint, but definitely isn't now. It was tremendously interrupting to my read.



Well, I think I laid it out... feel free to disregard, but I wholly believe all of it. You are capable of changing lives and points of view with your words... here you seem to have just chosen to say fuck it and get drunk in a bar; instead of going out and fighting for the greater justice.
#6
Zach's da man.

+1 m'dear, except that you can write great things about saying **** it and getting drunk in a bar.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#7
I wasn't expecting this at all, to be honest. But like a few of you may know, I often find it difficult to determine what is good and what isn't, in all regards. So to write something like this and then post it, I really am going in blind with a bent rifle. I thought this was good because it had clever lines in it, but it didn't really feel like me. There were some sections that I was proud of and thought fitted the style, but in general I was disconcerted concerning it. It felt like new territory - which I've been trying to do recently - and I do find myself becoming caught up in "the ****" - as Animal Mother would say.

I wanted it to be dirty, but it didn't come out that way.

Thanks ever so much. Vengeance is yours, Zach