#1
It's for my screamo band, I play drums and I love making teksts, so I just wanted to put my suggestion for a song up here before reveiling it to my band

Green fields and blue sky's are thorn,
a new age of war has come.
Greeting a new man at the throne,
a bad man with taste for blood.

Corrupting the people with the lies seeping from your teeth.
Land of the great has become the land of sorrow.
we Die more and more as we face tomorrow,
something must be done before this great land vanish.

We gather, torches are lit, knives are drawn,
retaliation has finally come.
I may be small, but I'm standing tall.
Now feel my wrath as I unleash it all.

The bald eagle has fallen,
all rise up and claim it's place,
let us fight side by side,
fight for what's righteously ours.

Bloodthirsty he hangs,
we have removed the fangs.
The bald eagle has fallen.
The bald eagle has fallen.
Last edited by Erlendhagen3 at Dec 22, 2008,
#2
Quote by Erlendhagen3
Green fields and blue sky's are thorn,
a new age of war has come.
Greeting a new man at the throne,
a bad man with taste for blood.
It feels a bit cliche and in my opinion the language is weak, further projecting a cliched tone
Corrupting the people with the lies seeping from your teeth.
Land of the great has become the land of sorrow.
we Die more and more as we face tomorrow,
something must be done before this great land vanish.
Again, I feel this is very cliched and weak. It also, in my opinion, doesn't leave much room for personal interpretation, but I don't think that's what you were striving for
We gather, torches are lit, knives are drawn,
retaliation has finally come.
I may be small, but I'm standing tall.
Now feel my wrath as I unleash it all.
I do like the rhyming in this verse, and it doesn't feel forced at all. Not much else is to be said for this on my part
The bald eagle has fallen,
all rise up and claim it's place,
let us fight side by side,
fight for what's righteously ours.
I like the symbolism used through the eagle here. I do believe though that you are using the word "righteously, incorrectly, and might be looking for the word "rightfully"
Bloodthirsty he hangs,
we have removed the fangs.
The bald eagle has fallen.
The bald eagle has fallen.
This verse feels average, in my opinion. I don't really have much more to say for it

All in all, I feel that it was weak and was written merely as filler for a song that needed lyrics. I don't mean this as an insult, but I feel you could definitely strengthen these lyrics with more original phrasing and figurative language.

If you could critique one of my own pieces, that would be greatly appreciated:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=17748913#post17748913
#3
thanks for your crit ARCtrooper225, I will work on my english some more, 16years old atm, so my school doesn'y exactly promote more complicated english :P. I will crit your piece tomorrow, as now I am going to sleep
#4
thorn=Torn, and i love it.

I screamed and headbanged to your lyrics I like it. Problem is this part: "Corrupting the people with the lies seeping from your teeth.:
Should be made to rhyme with the last line to rhyme with "vanish". alrihgt?
Myspace.

Quote by djmay71
it wasn't 7 days, it was 5.

and you call yourself the son of catholics

Quote by hugh20
I would keep it on my mantel piece and tell my grandchildren about the day I tried to overthrow the human race with my race of tree-men.
#5
guitarheroII thanks mate, the thing is that the line actually fits, as it is screamed and the other line begins while it's screamed, if you know what I mean. as we have the bass player screaming this, the vocalist continues :P
#6
First off, I think this song as a whole has a cool vibe to it. I’m guessing the “bald eagle” represents the United States and this song is about its angry citizens rising up and revolting. As an American it’s a scary yet, really thought provoking concept. However, I’ll have to agree with ARCTrooper225 in that the first two verses seems a little blah, so you should probably revise or completely rewrite them. As for the rest of the song I can’t find too much else wrong with it. That third verse in particular is actually pretty awesome, great imagery. Good Job man, fix those first two verses and I think you got a cool little tune. Keep up the good work
p.s. this is my first crit, I hope it was alright, I’ll be posting my first piece sometime soon, so crit me back please.
#7
"I’m guessing the “bald eagle” represents the United States and this song is about its angry citizens rising up and revolting." mate u just made my day, I love your interpretation on this, I didn't post what my idea of the text was so that you could make it your own! but my idea is far from yours, I was thinking about the kings in old france, how they used to get killed when the people didn't want them any more, and the bald eagle represents the king of the wild. and yes, I will try to rewrite the two first verses, and yes I will look at your text, as long as u give me a link