#1
Something I'm working on


The rain plays my window
Like a glass piano
It's my sound of misery
When I can't sleep
Won't my dreams come and take me away

The light burns my eyes
My mind freaks in the dark
I wait for my reprieve
I hope it's tonight
Won't my dreams come and take me away

Blue skin in twilight
Shadow's of dancing trees
A cacophony of sounds
But nothing I can hear
Won't my dreams come and take me away

Just like a cracking pane
There goes my heart again
Just a beautiful sound
Such a heartache
Won't my dreams come and take me away
#2
Quote by Hereforthebooze
Something I'm working on

The rain plays my window
Like a glass piano
It's my sound of misery
When I can't sleep
Won't my dreams come and take me away
I like the writing in this verse and the personification in the beginning, it feels very natural to the verse. The verse continues in a way that the reader can relate to
The light burns my eyes
My mind freaks in the dark
I wait for my reprieve
I hope it's tonight
Won't my dreams come and take me away
I feel this verse is a bit more forced and slightly cliched. I like the repitition of the last line though.
Blue skin in twilight
Shadow's of dancing trees
A cacophony of sounds
But nothing I can hear
Won't my dreams come and take me away
I like this verse, the figurative language in it is strong in my opinion, and the irony presented is well-placed too.
Just like a cracking pane
There goes my heart again
Just a beautiful sound
Such a heartache
Won't my dreams come and take me away
I like the simile that starts the final verse. I feel the verse is a bit choppy though. I also like how the verse, and poem as a whole, is ended with that repeated last line.

On the whole I liked it, could be stronger and flow more smoothly in some spots, but as a whole is well-written, in my opinion. If you could critique a recent work of my own, I would greatly appreciate it.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=17748913#post17748913