#1
Gardens for Sophie
Sophie called me today with such urgency that I was left dumbfounded
Nectar that left her awe-inspired at the river bed
She tasted it like a bee’s lips blistering at the thought of a honey-comb
She tasted it without discretion
A moan released alongside the flower's stream
She said she was made a woman by it
She said she was struck then in there
That all her childhood was ill-repute

She recorded it like a memoir of a battle long past
Leaving copious details of the prying at rest
She speaks under quilts about the mud and filth
Yet she feels anew, a pristine being
Unshackled under a stream of what could inevitably be life
The stem of the flower disengaged in her hand
And as the stamen died the petals all fell to the floor
She woke up to see only a trail of potted plant foot prints
Her eyes wilting with tears now
She breathes, synched with me

Where were you among this world?
On the concrete island, while I truly wished
To hold you instead of the weeds
They only seem fit until you pull them from the soil
Where were you and why weren’t you the first?

Sophie spoke in biblical frequency
Under sabbatical sobs and innovative gasps
She reminded me of the pressure released
As you pull the weeds up
The exuberance that mother earth feels
As you pull the weeds up
Why couldn’t mother share that with Sophie?
Or at least could have planted me as a weed


Edit:
Revamped the second stanza, check out both the new and the old, which can be found in the post below mine(Jimmy's).
It is still eating at me, and I think I am going to go to sleep and look at it in the morning.
Doesn't help that I have an Animal Collective song stuck in my head while I am trying to fix this piece up!
this one is for you.
Last edited by Ebshabutiee at Dec 22, 2008,
#2
Quote by Ebshabutiee
Gardens for Sophie
Sophie called me today with such urgency that I was left dumbfounded
Nectar that left her awe-inspired at the river bed
She tasted it like a bee’s lips blistering at the thought of a honey-comb
She tasted it without discretion
A moan released alongside the flower's stream
She said she was made a woman by it
She said she was struck then in there
That all her childhood was ill-repute
Overall fantastic opening. There was kind of a large jump in images from the first line to the rest though...


She recorded the time as if an anniversary party where were?
in order
She recalls how her undergarments where were? a muck
And her dress so grungy
Yet she felt a new, a released being
this is my least favorite part. It was kind of clumsy and the descriptions didn't play out too well with me. It has potential though.
Unshackled under a stream of what could inevitably be life
The stamen of the flower disengaged in her hand
And as the stamen died the pedals all fell to the floor too
didn't like repetition of stamen
didn't like the word "too"

She woke up today and saw only a trail of potted plant foot prints
Her eyes wilting with tears now
She breathes with me
I'm not sure if I liked the last line. I love how it leads to it but it was a little bit of a let down for the lines before it


Where were you among this world?
On the concrete island, while I truly wished
To hold you instead of the weeds
They only seem fit until you pull them from the soil
Where were you and why weren’t you the first?
last line seems like you are trying to imply something but it doesn't quite make it across. It's barely vague in a way that's awkward. Rest of the stanza shows a good progression


Sophie spoke in biblical frequency
Under sabbatical sobs and innovative gasps
She reminded me of the pressure released
As you pull the weeds up
The exuberance that mother earth feels
As you pull the weeds up
Why couldn’t mother share that with Sophie?
Or at least could have planted me as a weed
Love the ending but I think the last line could be worded better without the word could


(ctrl + mousewheel up will zoom to show the bolded parts in case you didn't know)

I love this, eric. Really beautiful. I think you could clear it up a bit but I'm very much impressed.
Anatomy Anatomy
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Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#3
Quote by Ebshabutiee
Gardens for Sophie
Sophie called me today with such urgency that I was left dumbfounded
Nectar that left her awe-inspired at the river bed
She tasted it like a bee’s lips blistering at the thought of a honey-comb
She tasted it without discretion
A moan released alongside the flower's stream
She said she was made a woman by it
She said she was struck then in there
That all her childhood was ill-repute

I like the imagery and wordplay here as well, however the second half doesn't seem to flow as nicely, despite the poignancy. I think slightly different word choice of the bolded line might help. This is only my opinion, though.

She recorded it like a memoir of a battle long past
Leaving copious details of the prying at rest
She speaks under quilts about the mud and filth
Yet she feels anew, a pristine being
Unshackled under a stream of what could inevitably be life
The stem of the flower disengaged in her hand
And as the stamen died the petals all fell to the floor
She woke up to see only a trail of potted plant foot prints
Her eyes wilting with tears now
She breathes, synched with me

Same thing here, with those lines. Despite that, though, it's phenomenal. I really like the narrative and floral metaphor.

Where were you among this world?
On the concrete island, while I truly wished
To hold you instead of the weeds
They only seem fit until you pull them from the soil
Where were you and why weren’t you the first?

This stanza seems weaker to me, and I personally have trouble seeing the aim in it as wel as the others. A break in the rhythm could work well with slight changes, here.

Sophie spoke in biblical frequency
Under sabbatical sobs and innovative gasps
She reminded me of the pressure released
As you pull the weeds up
The exuberance that mother earth feels
As you pull the weeds up
Why couldn’t mother share that with Sophie?
Or at least could have planted me as a weed

It get stronger, here. I like the use of repetition here as it reinforces the symbolic meaning to the action within the line. The last line is great, but the line before it came unexpectedly and confuses me slightly.

All in all, I think this piece really shines in the sophisticated way you paint the images of its story. Really, all I could say against it is the way certain lines are phrased, and perhaps one or two made slightly more clear (though, not necessarily in an obvious way, if that makes any sense). I definitely enjoy the beginning and end, particularly so. The third stanza leaves a sense of something missing, and that's my only real complaint.

Otherwise, fantastic.