#1
Hey guys, this is my first post on here, and really my first venture into songwriting in general. I know I'm probably breaking tons of lyrical rules of some kind, but I'd appreciate any feedback that you have on it at all. Be harsh, cruel, whatever (I realize it's short and crappy by any standards), I just want to become a good songwriter someday.

Almond shaped eyes in a face without lies
the coffee brown swims and consumes me.
As they both swirl, I know you’re the girl
I want to stay with til the morning.

I peer through my ponds toward your pools of mud
as I look down the counter at you.
I cross the expanse and ask you to dance
Girl, please don't make it be in vain.

Who knew the blue sky could caress the brown earth so lovingly?
#3
Sounds more like a poem. Almost as a "there once was a man from Nantucket" sound to it the way I read it, but that's just me. I'm kind of interested in how it would sound sung. Either way, it's pretty good. Maybe add a little to it.
#4
Quote by crashmmvii

Almond shaped eyes in a face without lies
The flow here is just wonderful.
the coffee brown swims and consumes me.
Needs to be reworded, I couldn't make much sense of it. But I like how you talk about coffee consuming you.
As they both swirl, I know you’re the girl
I want to stay with 'til the morning.
I think you should drop "the" from this line, for flow reasons.

I peer through my ponds toward your pools of mud
as I look down the counter at you.
I cross the expanse and ask you to dance
Girl, please don't make it be in vain.
I didn't like the flow of the last line, all of the monosyllabic words made it a mouthful to read.

Who knew the blue sky could caress the brown earth so lovingly?
Put a line break or two in there and it'll be perfect.



Nitpicky me.

Great really.