#1
This is a very personal -and very raw- piece. It definitely needs work, but this is the first draft and any critiquing would be very appreciated. C4C, of course.

--


If I stir, shake me from this fever dream
the cold sweat on my face will hide the truth
And in the illusion of forever, you know
this disillusion is nothing new

Dissolving sandcastles caught in your tide
Find myself face down, fingers in your hair
the weight of the ocean still carries me down
Pulls me under, God knows I tried

Tried so hard to get over everything
Thinned her blood, so she wouldn't have to cry
Beneath her cracked alabaster skin
She knows I'm just another bastard, too

Find my doctor, so I don't have to feel
My pincushion medicine for what time won't heal
A shot of welcome anesthesia for my face
It's a slow decay, from fingertips to soul

Wake me, what are you trying to say
I don't believe, that I'm not sleeping
Find me face down, lost and dreaming
Help me please, to make it through

No excuses, I know I've sold my soul
Bloodied chains around my wrists, my prison
Cell, These bars do nothing, still as night
The bottom of the bottle always has a hole

Scraped knees and secret words
Cold nostalgia through bitter pain
Messages of love traced into palms
It all means nothing, when nothing means anything
To you

--

That's all the energy for right now.

EDIT: First revision.
Last edited by Delanoir at Dec 23, 2008,
#2
Quote by Delanoir
This is a very personal -and very raw- piece. It definitely needs work, but this is the first draft and any critiquing would be very appreciated. C4C, of course.

--


If I stir, shake me from this fever(feverish maybe?) dream
the cold sweat on my face will hide the truth
And in the illusion of forever, you know
this disillusion is nothing new
I see where you are going with this first stanza, it has a fairly good flow. The illusion/disillusion-thing works, it is a bit overplayed, but it works.

Dissolving sandcastles caught in your tide
Find myself face down, fingers in your hair
the weight of the ocean still carries me down
Pulls me under, with kaleidoscope eyes
The last line seemed forced, Kaleidoscope eyes has been done before and IMHO not that catchy to begin with. I really liked the use of dissolving sandcastles, and all the imagery of the ocean though.

Tried so hard to get over everything
But everything just got, over you
Beneath her cracked alabaster skin
She knows I'm just another bastard, too
Second line, seemed a bit... I don't know I didn't like it that much. But I can see what you are doing with it. I liked the use of alabaster skin.

Rest this gun against a vein, they know
Just another sad attempt to kill the shame
A shot of welcome anesthesia for my face
It's a slow decay, from fingertips to soul
I really didn't like this stanza, last line was good though.

Wake me, what are you trying to say
I don't believe, that I'm not sleeping
Find me face down, lost and dreaming
In confusion we stumble into truth
This was great, the only part of the stanza that kind of lost the flow was the last light, I think you can maybe find something a bit better than 'truth'.

Scraped knees and secret words
Cold nostalgia through bitter pain
Messages of love traced into palms
It all means nothing, when nothing means anything
To you
Good finish.
--

That's all the energy for right now.


That was a good piece. A lot of potential in it, needs some housekeeping, maybe a bit of rearranging and it will be excellent.
When you get a chance, I really need a crit on my piece Gardens for Sophie
this one is for you.
#3
Thanks, I'll definitely take what you said into consideration as I rewrite and work on it. I appreciate the keen insights, and agree with a lot of what you said.

I'll return the favor with your piece shortly

A revision for mine should come soon, too.
#4
First impression, I know I'll have a hard time critting, because I can't complain much. This is obviously one of the better writings in UG. The only complaint I see is that you used "face down" more than once, and it's really a turn off for me, because it seems like everyone uses it. I enjoyed reading this, I wanna see more from you, I'm not much of a regular, but you're obviously pretty talented. Sorry for the practically useless crit, but all I can honestly say is that I enjoyed this piece, good job @ you!

Crit mine if you'd like, https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1028379
#6
Thanks for the help, everyone. And thank you for the compliments, too.

Made the first revision, in the first post as an edit.

And yes, I do have music written for it.