#1


i bought her a copy of robin hood
circa 1850
cost me not much because
it was falling apart
but i hoped she'd love it
with all her heart
for it's age
and for all the human fingertips
that have turned the pages
she collects old books
for the notes
left on the first blank space -

to ethel
on your sailing
from eteelea
nov 16, 1932

fine tapestry.
and every word will weave another stitch in
history
and it will be my fingertips
and her fingertips
that people will be remembering
in fifty years time
when they turn those pages again
and i wonder if they will read
the same story
that we read
or if they will take a different tale
from the withered paper.

and if you are a child
with clumsy digits
play carefully now
else paper will rip and
be lost
yet somehow
i think that the timeshadow of
our hands
will remain
in the spaces where the pages
gave in
to life.





love is a dog from hell.



Last edited by we have sound at Dec 23, 2008,
#2
I felt like there needed to be some more space before 'she collects old books'.

The 'page' in 'left on the first blank page -' was a bit too much for me, repetition wise. Could be sweeter.

I feel like delicate punctuation in the last stanza could be so much more to it. Just a little bit. Teeny bit.

Anyway, this needs to be read out loud and this was magical
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#3
I liked this sir.

It came alive. and we danced and danced and danced.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#4
greatgreatgreat.

EXCEPT:
cost me not much because
please reword this, maybe to something like "didnt cost me much because"

Damn you and your intentions.
#5
you're the only unpublished(as far as i know) writer that i know of, that, when i read; it makes me feel demoted. demerited. fetal, in my infant stages of progress with writing; which is awesome. like, if you ever MAIL ME THE DAMN BOOK , i'd read that **** like tomorrow is nonexistent.
it's a rather weird thing, but, felt like you should know that.

and Chris,
post more often, dammit.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#7
Quote by ginjaninja
greatgreatgreat.

EXCEPT:
cost me not much because
please reword this, maybe to something like "didnt cost me much because"

Damn you and your intentions.



Yeah but I like it that way.

Cheers everyone.




love is a dog from hell.



#8
I love the unique approaches you take to things, like time.

This was great.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#9
I kinda feel like there should be a line break after the line "that have turned the pages"

But that's just me being picky.

It's obvious that you have established yourself and have found your own style.
Kudos to you sir.
I can't really offer much criticism.

Cheers and good luck with your writing.

-Zeelod
EDIT: Here's a link to my last piece if you want to read it -
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1028066


Love the Low end
Last edited by Zeelod at Dec 24, 2008,