#1
Just wrote this for fun about a week ago. The band is gonna start performing it soon.

I don't want to go to sleep
but I don't want to stay awake
You might want to wait and see
or you might not want to stay

I don't really care
I just want to rest my eyes

So yesterday I ate a lot
last night I passed out, not
Last week I took a drag
last month I felt the same

I don't really care
I just want to rest my eyes

Last year I can't remember
Today is now December
It's almost Christmas now
Three days I count aloud

I said to them..
"What is today's date?"
They said to me..
"Twelve-Twenty, 2009."

I really do care
I just don't wanna waste my time

You wanna be free from it all
Honestly, you remind me of myself
We're a little different from them
But we still resemble the shell
I think more than I act
My only problem is back

My ambition runs high
My ambition runs low
Look a little deeper
Think a little slow
One day it will click
Until then.......
I just want to rest my eyes
Last edited by JordanRRR at Dec 24, 2008,
#2
Pretty cool! I like those two middle stanzas about Christmas. I'm not sure of the significance of "not" and "back," placed at the end of those lines. They appear to be there only to make it rhyme.

"You wanna be free from it all
Honestly, you remind me of myself
We're a little different from them
But we still resemble the shell"

That's really good. So, not too much that I would change with this piece. I guess you should probably try connecting it all a bit better, you know? That may bring out the overall meaning more.

Crit mine? It's called "To Change," on the first page.
We're only strays.
#3
You've got a good concept going on, and I like the apathetic feeling going on in this. I don't have many complaints, but if I do have one, it's the somewhat misplaced words. Correct me if I'm wrong, but some of these don't make sense.

"last night I passed out, not" Why is the not in there? It doesn't make much sense, even in context.
"My only problem, back" It makes a rhyme, however it doesn't mean anything...

Aside from this good job, and I'd like to know what inspired you to write this? Also; what style of music would you want this to be? Seems like you've got quite a few opportunities with this. I definitely wanna see where it goes, good luck!

Crit mine if you'd like, https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1028379

Edit: Just read Martyr's Prayer's post, so I guess the not/back thrown in does catch a lot of attention, but sorry to repost whats already been said.
#5
Quote by JordanRRR


I don't want to go to sleep
but I don't want to stay awake
You might want to wait and see
or you might not want to stay
I didn't like the repetition of the word stay used in a different context.

Today is now December
How can a day be a month?


Monkey scrotums.
#6
Thanks for the crit so far..

Martyr,
yeah not and back could be used a little better. the "not" is poking fun at sleep problems. it should probably just say "my only problem is back" but the music just so happens to make it fit with a pause better. i'll probably change that though and try to bring it together more.. thank you

Hunter,
my reasoning behind the not and back is addressed above but I think you are right, it probably needs to be changed. inspiration comes mainly from feelings/life experiences. the strokes are a big influence on my musical style so the music resembles that with my own twist. i have to get up early tomorrow but i will crit yours when i get a chance. thanks a lot!

SeeEmilyPlay,
i do have music for it but its just a rough draft if you will. i usually start with my notes/chords and get going from there with riffs etc... i'm about halfway through.

Ginja,
yeah i might reconsider the "stay" in that stanza not sure though. Today is now december pretty much means it just turned december 1st, which has a lot of meaning to the piece since time plays a role in the "story". December brings a whole box full of emotions with it in reference to the mood of the piece.

Thanks for the crit so far. I appreciate you guys taking the time to do it. I will crit most likely tomorrow when I get a sec. Thanks again.

EDIT: here's a fun fact.. The whole "I just want to rest my eyes" is based off of the first stanza and the feel of the song. Resting kind of falls in between sleep/consciousness (I don't want to go to sleep/I don't want to stay awake). Well at least thats how I see it.
Last edited by JordanRRR at Dec 24, 2008,