#1
This is a major overhaul of an older song. Thanks for reading! C4C!!!

i decide
at some point
this is what i am
sterilize hope

how far i ran
to meet this
repeat the phrase "i can"
feel it falter

reach me
one last time
draw that line
let me try
i'll cross it one day
i'll be on our side

such a struggle, unseen
and in so many ways
it is between
the spine and the ribcage
how people can change
how one can walk
and not faint

now i seek new ground to stand on
i reach in the dark
my hand finds a figure and begins to work
i'm twisting the outcome into different shapes
i can feel the likeness changing
but i still can't see the face
and as my memory arrives, i realize
that nothings different

i'm still fighting for me
i'm looking for a way to erase the seams
but this is your design
and someday i'll learn
that these means are for your ends
We're only strays.
#2
First thing I noticed is some of the awkwardly built stanzas, you keep some 4 liners and then some are completely different. It's not a big deal, I just noticed it. No worries there. When I first read this, it kind of reminded me of something Slipknot-ish, no offense if you aren't a fan, but I know I am. In the intro, the last line "Sterilize Hope" makes a pretty good impact, a good play on words, and draws you in for the rest of the song. Kudos to that, definitely. I feel that some of the stanzas you tried to keep short, and in return left out some words and now it doesn't make tons sense.

"how far i ran
to meet this
repeat the phrase "i can"
feel it falter"

is one of the stanza I was refering to in that. Overall you've got a good build for a song, and I like what you've done. Maybe throw in some more impacting stanzas in the middle to keep the catchyness up, and you're all set. Crit mine if you'd like, https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1028379
#4
Quote by SeeEmilyPlay
Not bad- it was short and to the point. Will you have the music for this up in a few days?


No, that's for another song and actually it's been postponed (I wasn't satisfied with the vocals so I'm going to do them again). This song is in the near future some time, though. I do have an older song in my profile called Mileage, but I'm quite displeased with it. Bad production, bad vocals (I mix in screaming now), sloppy. But it can give you an idea of the stuff I do.
We're only strays.
#5
Quote by HunterRiggs10
First thing I noticed is some of the awkwardly built stanzas, you keep some 4 liners and then some are completely different. It's not a big deal, I just noticed it. No worries there. When I first read this, it kind of reminded me of something Slipknot-ish, no offense if you aren't a fan, but I know I am. In the intro, the last line "Sterilize Hope" makes a pretty good impact, a good play on words, and draws you in for the rest of the song. Kudos to that, definitely. I feel that some of the stanzas you tried to keep short, and in return left out some words and now it doesn't make tons sense.

"how far i ran
to meet this
repeat the phrase "i can"
feel it falter"

is one of the stanza I was refering to in that. Overall you've got a good build for a song, and I like what you've done. Maybe throw in some more impacting stanzas in the middle to keep the catchyness up, and you're all set. Crit mine if you'd like, https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1028379


Thanks for the crit, dude. One of my philosophies with lyric writing is the less the better. I always try to get as much meaning through as few words as possible. Sometimes it works great, but I still need to work on it. And yeah I like some of Slipknot's stuff haha.
We're only strays.
#6
hey man this wasn't bad. but along with a few awkward phrasings, the thing that bothered me was the lack of cohesion throughout. None of the stanzas flowed together. It just seemed like a bunch of thoughts about something thrown together. There wasn't much development as it went on. I don't feel like I went anywhere after reading it, you know?

I'm not trying to be too negative cause this isn't bad; I'm just trying to be constructive. Standing alone without music, it didn't do much for me.

if you don't mind commenting on
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1027420
that would be cool
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#7
I really like what you did here. The rhymes throughout are really good, not forced at all so it feels natural and right. The words used really captivated and appealed to me because they just worked and sounded good too.

One of my favorite parts had to be:

i can feel the likeness changing
but i still can't see the face
and as my memory arrives, i realize
that nothings different


"..and as my memory arrives" is epic. I don't know why it just is lol..

I like the style here. Keep it up. If you are going to have music with this let me know I would be interested in listening.
#8
Quote by JordanRRR
I really like what you did here. The rhymes throughout are really good, not forced at all so it feels natural and right. The words used really captivated and appealed to me because they just worked and sounded good too.

One of my favorite parts had to be:


"..and as my memory arrives" is epic. I don't know why it just is lol..

I like the style here. Keep it up. If you are going to have music with this let me know I would be interested in listening.


Thanks dude! Yeah I've never liked basic rhyming schemes, but sometimes mine get a bit too convoluted. I'm quite happy with this song though.

And to jiminizzle, that has been a running problem in my songs. I feel pretty good about this song, however. I guess the meaning is just pretty deep within the stanzas, you know? Any tips on how I could bring it out more, maybe?
We're only strays.
#9
I would agree with the awkward phrasings idea that a few people have mentioned, its not a big problem really, occasionally, I'd say that it could be a good thing, but here, probably didn't pull that off (I dont think you were wanting that anyway lol) but overall apart from that, I couldn't see any massively imposing problems with it, keep working at it, cause every piece can get better, and with a bit of work and maybe fixing the tiny little issue of phrasing this could end up being epic, nice work mate, keep at it.

If you could check out "Words" for me in my sig, that'd be awesome, I need a little... a lot of input on it, cheers!