#1
A rough draft of my essay, need suggestions, please point out any errors i might have made
Topic :- What methods can you as a student employ to make this planet a better place to live in?

____________________________________________________________
At a point when the average global temperatures have increased by approximately 1 degree centigrade in the last 50 years alone, it is high time we do something substantial. This may look like a petty amount compared to the normal temperatures experienced everyday, but a point worth mentioning would be that the temperature rise from a point in time 200 years ago to 50 years ago has been only 0.3 degrees centigrade.
This would mean that the rise in average global temperatures has been more in the last 50 years than it has been 100 years before that, and times like these calls for desperate measures. If each one of us were to do our one good deed a day, the average global temperature would fall back to normal within the next twenty years, studies suggest.
We are all aware of the fact that a majority of the population in the world is composed of students, and every student doing his or her own bidding would surely help a lot.
A good place to start would be by switching off all electrical appliances on leaving a room, and unplugging all electrical appliances which will not be used over the next 36 hours because an electric appliance still consumes energy when it is switched off, but is still plugged into the socket. By doing this, we can cut electrical energy usage by 8%.
Not eating meat would also provide added benefits, not only to our health, but also to that of Mother Earth. The production of meat is one of the most significant contributors to the most serious environmental problems, including global climate change. Meat production is highly resource intensive and inefficient. Not eating meat one day a week would be of great help to her.
Check your faucets and any other appliance that uses water straight from your source. If your faucets drip, get them fixed, or temporarily put a container under the leak and use the water. Checking your toilets requires putting a few drops of food colouring in the tank. If the dye is seen in the bowl after ten minutes, repair your toilet. Turning off the water when it is not being used would also help, reducing the amount of water required for activities like bathing and brushing.
The use of rechargeable batteries instead of use-and-throw ones is another good solution. The amount of metal and alkali saved would go a long way in the long run.
Organizing a car pool to go to school, college or tuitions would reduce the amount of fuel wasted on travelling while also reducing the quantity of pollutants released into the atmosphere, reducing the traffic, and reducing the expenditure on fuel.
Also, I would try to walk or cycle to nearby areas like the grocery or Digital Video Disc club.
I would avoid disposable items as anything that is thrown away shortly after being bought is wasted and can only be used for filling up landfills.
Plastic bags are like calcium cyanide for Mother Earth; it doesn’t take too much time, or amount to kill. Avoiding plastic bags would help us go a long way in the quest for the creating of a balanced ecosystem which is pollution free.
Asking our parents to switch over from a washing machine to the traditional method would definitely help as studies show that the amount of water consumed by a washing machine to wash 20 clothes can be used to wash over 70 clothes by the traditional method. This results in more than 350% of water being saved.
Replacing all the traditional light bulbs by tube lights or compact fluorescent light bulbs reduces energy costs by over 480%, the bulbs last longer as well, reducing the amount of raw material wasted to light a house for a given period of time.
Limiting the amount of water used in the shower, or completely eliminating the shower and using a bucket and mug reduces the amount of water used for bathing. Water should be judiciously used as life on Earth cannot exist without water the same way life in a human cannot exist without a heart.
These small measure which are to be taken in everyday life can go a long way in helping mother earth and if each one does one good deed a day, mother earth can be well on its way to recovery and can be shifted from the Intensive Care Unit to her house immediately.

________________________________________________________________

Source :- Some wiki article which i lost the link to, and the thread i made earlier.
Last edited by luv090909 at Dec 23, 2008,
#4


Al Gore approves.
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#5
isnt that the al gore film thing?
i watched it in science last year..
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#6
Woah! Did you edit that pic?

And also I'd really appreciate some inputs please =)
#7
tl;dr - the title already turned me off.

you should put ice cubes in volcano's to stop global warming..

IT"S SUPER EFFECTIVE
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#9
not a good idea to use wiki as a source. but if its not university writing its fine.
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#10
I dont really have to write the source =)
And it was a wikihow actually, plus its school =)
#11
how formal does it have to be?
the last sentence made me lol "mother earth can be well on its way to recovery and can be shifted from the Intensive Care Unit to her house immediately."

you have many paragraphs as well. perhaps you could organize them into 3 body paragraphs and have 1 whole paragraph on water conservaiton.

and perhaps you could explain better what the purpose of checking your toilet is by adding dye to it and how that helps with water conservation.
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Last edited by GL600FB at Dec 23, 2008,
#12
well, for one thing, your organization is weak. you go from saving electricity to not eating meat to saving water to saving fuel to saving water. you could just combine the two. also, i don't know if there are too many short paragraphs or not- try and combine the related suggestions. check your verb/pronouns tenses and quantities- make them match. otherwise, not a lot that i would change

EDIT: Try to not be so wordy. use more appropriate word choices, too.
#13
Go green bitch.
Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who...
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#14
I dont think it has to be all that formal, I'm gonna call up a teacher and ask her tomorrow.
Well I DID want to give a kind of funny ending, but was it overboard, i mean did it make you lol lol or just smile?
#16
I found that the introduction was a bit convoluted, you didn't explain what the purpose of the essay was,but just dove right into the information.In my mind, you shouldn't be addressing the earth as "Mother Nature" or "her", it sounds to juvenile and unprofessional. Also, you need to think about all the possible arguments that could be made against your paper.

When you say that we shouldn't eat meat, or at least reduce the amount, you have to remember that this is a major part of economies worldwide, if you are going to outright boycott something it is essential to also provide an alternative and WHY it is better.

You also tend to have a lot of different ideas, but none are in any significant amount of detail, if I were you I would focus on just three or four and study them in further depth.
Other than that, Good job!
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#17
The whole Gore movie is nothing more than a worldwide hoax scam.

It has been proven several times that the Earth is just closer to the sun.
Also this will change around 2010/2012 then the Earth will go back to it's original position.

Now my point is, Gore knows this...
Yes he does.
And was smelling the money from miles before this was happening.

Now what he's gonna do is to convince everyone to change the the world drastically and save it, So to do this you MUST buy stuff in order to do so.
Like buying these better light bulbs that produce less light, But enough for in the house.
Also this will make shure that if everyone would buy these bulbs the electric centre would have to produce less electricity and that means less Co2.
Same with Hybrids, Buy one and you'll serve the planet they'll say.

Also when the Earth slowly goes back in position Al Gore will come and tell us it's because his movie and his actions.
He'll then become a hero.

Then he goes out to save everyone from manbear pig.
(Last sentence is obviously a jk)

But that doesn't mean that the world is clean though.
All i'm saying is that there is no global warming...
Just pollution.
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#18
it gives me the impression the essay is a joke. (coming from a post secondary level perspective)

also, you could present the other side of the story: that global warming is a naturally occurring event due to the carbon cycle reaching its peak and causing global temperatures to rise. and then argue how this theory is incorrect.
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Last edited by GL600FB at Dec 23, 2008,
#19
Quote by G-loony

It has been proven several times that the Earth is just closer to the sun.
Also this will change around 2010/2012 then the Earth will go back to it's original position.


Think before you speak. Learn to do some research before trying to sound smart on teh internetz.
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#21
Quote by Odlid
Why do they call it an inconvenient truth?

Are there more of it?


Because that is how the english language works. You need a consonant before the i, there can't be two vowel sounds right after one another.
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#22
Quote by G-loony
The whole Gore movie is nothing more than a worldwide hoax scam.

It has been proven several times that the Earth is just closer to the sun.
Also this will change around 2010/2012 then the Earth will go back to it's original position.

Now my point is, Gore knows this...
Yes he does.
And was smelling the money from miles before this was happening.

Now what he's gonna do is to convince everyone to change the the world drastically and save it, So to do this you MUST buy stuff in order to do so.
Like buying these better light bulbs that produce less light, But enough for in the house.
Also this will make shure that if everyone would buy these bulbs the electric centre would have to produce less electricity and that means less Co2.
Same with Hybrids, Buy one and you'll serve the planet they'll say.

Also when the Earth slowly goes back in position Al Gore will come and tell us it's because his movie and his actions.
He'll then become a hero.

Then he goes out to save everyone from manbear pig.
(Last sentence is obviously a jk)

But that doesn't mean that the world is clean though.
All i'm saying is that there is no global warming...
Just pollution.


Word up. But to actually help you with the essay, your introduction needs to draw more interest, needs to be longer. It has to make the reader go, "I want to read this." And when you give information, like that one guy said, give alternatives for things like boycotting certain products. Also, it needs a more developed conclusion.
#23
well, for one thing, your organization is weak. you go from saving electricity to not eating meat to saving water to saving fuel to saving water. you could just combine the two. also, i don't know if there are too many short paragraphs or not- try and combine the related suggestions. check your verb/pronouns tenses and quantities- make them match. otherwise, not a lot that i would change

EDIT: Try to not be so wordy. use more appropriate word choices, too.

Ahhh thanks i missed that =S [ The water thing ]


I found that the introduction was a bit convoluted, you didn't explain what the purpose of the essay was,but just dove right into the information.In my mind, you shouldn't be addressing the earth as "Mother Nature" or "her", it sounds to juvenile and unprofessional. Also, you need to think about all the possible arguments that could be made against your paper.

When you say that we shouldn't eat meat, or at least reduce the amount, you have to remember that this is a major part of economies worldwide, if you are going to outright boycott something it is essential to also provide an alternative and WHY it is better.

You also tend to have a lot of different ideas, but none are in any significant amount of detail, if I were you I would focus on just three or four and study them in further depth.
Other than that, Good job!

I shall keep this in mind when im making the changes later.... thanks =)

@ G Loony
Well...... if thats true then......WOAH!


And im glad im finally getting good inputs [yay!]
#24
Make a freaking thesis statement. Seriously do you learn anything in English class? Also make body paragraphs and state your intent for each paragraph in the opening sentence. Honestly your paper is just a bunch of unorganized facts spit back at the reader.
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#25
Ahhhhhhh,
I just called up a friend for the word limit.
THERE IS NO WORD LIMIT!

I have to read it out! It was supposed to be a speech =S

So I'm gonna time it.......... Hopefully less than 3 minutes [ The given time]

Edit: Yes, I forgot about the thesis........ I shall


Thank god i posted it here, there are so many suggestions!
#26
"We are all aware of the fact that a majority of the population in the world is composed of students, and every student doing his or her own bidding would surely help a lot."

wut?
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#27
Quote by Wheelchair Stan
Because that is how the english language works. You need a consonant before the i, there can't be two vowel sounds right after one another.

Ok, thanks for making me less dumb
#28
Well I just made up the majority part, but the second part means that if the students all do a few good things for the environment, it would help alot.
#29
Quote by Wheelchair Stan
Think before you speak. Learn to do some research before
trying to sound smart on teh internetz.



Hahaha i need to think ?
Here some FACTS:

“Global warming” halted ten years ago, and surface temperature has been falling for seven years;
Not one of the computer models relied upon by the IPCC predicted so long and rapid a cooling;
The IPCC inserted a table into the scientists’ draft, overstating the effect of ice-melt by 1000%;
It was proved 50 years ago that predicting climate more than two weeks ahead is impossible;
Mars, Jupiter, Neptune’s largest moon, and Pluto warmed at the same time as Earth warmed;
In the past 70 years the Sun was more active than at almost any other time in the past 11,400 years.

And this is only Mathematical proof, Not SUGGESTED like Al Gore always did.
Although people like to get scared and believe a story more then that they would LOOK IT UP.

Don't try to tell me i need to think, Cause believe me i used to be a scared chicken and believe story's like Al Quada did 9-11.
ALL HAIL HYPNOTOAD

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#30



“Global warming” halted ten years ago, and surface temperature has been falling for seven years;
Not one of the computer models relied upon by the IPCC predicted so long and rapid a cooling;
The IPCC inserted a table into the scientists’ draft, overstating the effect of ice-melt by 1000%;
It was proved 50 years ago that predicting climate more than two weeks ahead is impossible;
Mars, Jupiter, Neptune’s largest moon, and Pluto warmed at the same time as Earth warmed;
In the past 70 years the Sun was more active than at almost any other time in the past 11,400 years.


=S Thats new to me............. read this in a book or website? Cause I'd appreciate a link if possible =S
#31
Quote by Odlid
Why do they call it an inconvenient truth?

Are there more of it?


Becuase ' A inconvenient truth' sounds retarded.

i liked it but then i kinda got bored so i scrolled down to post a comment about how i got bored reading it.

/life story
#33
Quote by luv090909
Ahhh thanks i missed that =S [ The water thing ]


I shall keep this in mind when im making the changes later.... thanks =)

@ G Loony
Well...... if thats true then......WOAH!


And im glad im finally getting good inputs [yay!]


Dude, Not to be an ass... But it IS true.
The whole global warming is one bit hoax.
ALL HAIL HYPNOTOAD

Quote by MetalMessiah665
Dude, I think I would know, Trivium invented Thrash, Metallica are lucky they got as far as they did piggy-backing off of Trivium's signature style.
#34
Quote by luv090909
Which is ironic because you dont like stuff that bores you =P

Well einstein, yes, yes you do.
#35
Quote by luv090909
=S Thats new to me............. read this in a book or website? Cause I'd appreciate a link if possible =S



Yes here: Source

Now don't think this is just a website, Cause these guys are Privatized and really CARE about the world.
And thus also care about the planet.
This is 1 of my source sites i can give you more if i want to.
ALL HAIL HYPNOTOAD

Quote by MetalMessiah665
Dude, I think I would know, Trivium invented Thrash, Metallica are lucky they got as far as they did piggy-backing off of Trivium's signature style.
#36
Quote by Punk Poser
Make a freaking thesis statement. Seriously do you learn anything in English class? Also make body paragraphs and state your intent for each paragraph in the opening sentence. Honestly your paper is just a bunch of unorganized facts spit back at the reader.


this
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#37
bit short ennit?
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#38
Yes it's short because i have to present it as an oral speech, and theres a 3 minute time limit.


Yes, I Will add a thesis statement today, and make changes as suggested by you guys. Thanks.
#39
Know the teacher. A medal for standing up for what you believe in won't replace a lower grade. Trust me, if I could go back, I'd do a lot less preaching, and would likely be in a better position to actually do, instead of talk. Offend the teacher in school and you will be owned, school teachers are like...forum mods.
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