#1
very ots. c4c.

daily thoughts about you:
i remember how i met myself
when i first gazed into your eyes;
how you left on that exact
moment i blinked
because i couldn't believe
such beautiful moments were real.
damn reflexes.

i still wonder if it was me,
or you or if you were even
here at all. i want to know if
you still hug your pillow and
think of me on those long nights
when you can't sleep. - i wonder if
i do the same thing.
i probably will.
i'll let you know tomorrow.
i close my eyes
and blow a goodnight kiss
to the picture of you
i keep taped on my bedroom mirror -
some sort of reflex, i guess
Last edited by cubs at Dec 23, 2008,
#2

daily thoughts about you:
This line isn't really necessary. If you absolutely want to express the idea of daily, I'd probably just say "I remember (daily)/(every day)/(something synonymous)..." in the following line.
i remember how i found myself
when i first stared into your eyes;
I don't know, "stared" sounds pretty harsh here. I prefer something with a more positive connotation, like "gazed".
how you left on that exact
moment i blinked for a milisecond
Millisecond. The wording here overall is awkward though. I think the problem lays with "left" and "on" specifically, as something like "how you disappeared / when I blinked for a millisecond". On second thought here, "for a millisecond" isn't needed at all, as the very act of blinking conveys a rapid eye movement open and shut. "how you vanished / that moment I blinked" "how you were gone / the moment I blinked". I don't know, I don't really dig my lines either but you should get the idea about what I think would work best here.
because i couldn't believe
such beautiful moments were real.
damn reflexes.
Last three lines are pretty good. I definitely can tell this is on the spot, definitely not your best work.

i still wonder if it was all
on me or if you were even
here at all. i want to know if
The beginning here is worded awkwardly. Could be rearranged somewhat to flow a little better.
on those nights when you can't sleep
you still hug your pillow and
think of me - i wonder if
i do the same thing.
i probably will.
i'll let you know tomorrow.
i close my eyes
and blow a goodnight kiss
to the picture of you
i keep taped on my bedroom mirror -
some sort of reflex, i guess
This second half is much better than the first half. Definitely dug it. It's pretty cliche, but who cares? It's all jazzy. I almost think the first half of this should be sliced nearly completely and just move some of the better lines from up there into this stanza or a different poem.

Cool stuff, bro. ALMOST forgot: Merry Christmas!
Last edited by SilenceEvolves at Dec 23, 2008,
#3
thanks homes. i was about to delete this actually , i just rewrote this in spanish and it came out waaay better. i fixed some lines based on your crit, i'll continue tweaking it a bit. thanks a lot, i'll get back to you soon. merry christmas!
#4
This was solid. I didn't like "damn reflexes" at all. I don't know it didn't fit and sounded like an undeveloped thought to me. I just think a different wording would fit better.

other than that, it was nice. Simple and nice.

Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#6
hope you had/are having a great one as well. Tell those you love merry christmas for me.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me