#1
Second song I've ever written.

EDIT: Title has now been changed to "Brothers In Iraq"

Anymore title suggestions are more than welcome.

-------------------------------------------------

All of these sins
Just like this sand
I let them all fall
right through my hand.

All of these thoughts,
Go through my head,
as I see with my own eyes,
so many men dead.

I know why I'm here
I know why I fight
But what's killing me softly...
Is I don't know what's right...

So many times i've cried
Under this desert sun,
So many men have died
For so few battles won.

I miss my wife and hometown,
And I may never come back...

This is just another song...
from a soldier in Iraq.

I came here with 3 friends,
now I have only one,
they both had moms and dads,
one a daugher and a son.

And I don't know who to blame,
but tomorrow's another fight.
So I lay my head down
and try to get some sleep tonight...

So many times i've cried
Under this desert sun,
So many men have died
For so few battles won.

I miss my wife and hometown,
But they won't send me back...

To them I'm just another...
soldier in Iraq.

I'm finally going home,
and my buddy too,
we're gonna be friends forever,
with all the hell that we/ve been through.

Yeah, I'm gonna to back to my hometown,
gonna hug and kiss my wife.
Gonna start a little family,
try and get on with my life.

I'm glad it's finally over,
I'm glad I'm finally back...

So I'm writing this for you,
All my brothers in Iraq.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks in advance for all the critism.

P.S. No I'm not in the military...
Rip Kylee Harris 4.13.93-11.28.08
Quote by Capt_Clarkson
tell him that he is the drummer and that his opinions are invalid

Quote by Jim Harkins
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

Last edited by thementor at Dec 26, 2008,
#2
I was a Soldier in Iraq. I am back home. I like your song, I dislike 2 things, and they're just because I'm Pro-Iraq War and Pro-Bush, those are the only reasons.

1. I didn't like the line "don't know what's right", questioning why we're there.

2. I didn't care for the line "for so few battles won" I could go on and on about semantics of battles, but this is a song.

The rest of the song is very nicely done.
Amps
Mesa Dual Recto 3 Ch
Peavey 6505 Combo

Cab
ENGL E212VH Cab

Guitars
Epi Explorer
Schecter Damien 6
Squier Strat (signed by Rob Zombie!)

Pedals
ISP Decimator
Dunlop Crybaby Original
Boss CE-5 Chorus Ensenble
Boss GE-7 Equalizer
#4
I really like this, very beutiful words. The title seems a little cheesy to me...it could be more poetic to fit the mood of the song better...people will probably now what war it refers to anyway...

Keep it up!
#5
I just couldn't think of a good title for this one... few other possibles:

Brothers in Iraq
Brothers of War
Brothers...

That's probably the strongest word to use that comes from the song I think. Thanks for the critism(sorry 4 spelling). Keep it comming!
Rip Kylee Harris 4.13.93-11.28.08
Quote by Capt_Clarkson
tell him that he is the drummer and that his opinions are invalid

Quote by Jim Harkins
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

#7
i guess on the whole, i'm concerned by excessive amounts of cultural debris surrounding iraq. i dunno, i mean, i know its our generation's vietnam or whatever but i feel like unless you have something to say about it, its probably for the best not saying anything. i don't think this says anything. i mean, when you set out to write it, what did you want to communicate, and why did you feel it was necessary for you to attempt to communicate it?

in terms of the technical aspects of the poem, i've seen worse i guess, but it wasn't great. there were too many shoehorned rhymes at the expense of metre; the easiest way to make a poem sound clumsy is to stick in an unnecessary rhyme which screws up the rhythm of the line. beyond that sort of stuff, it just is. you're just saying things. they weren't particularly articulate or expressed in an interesting or unusual way. they were just bland, neutral words, assembled on a page with some rhyming.

i know this probably sounds harsh, and apologies for that. but when writing things, you need to come in with a clear idea of what you're saying, especially when you're writing about something which isn't personal to you, about something which is public property (so to speak). you really have to either have something original to say, or be able to say something which isn't so original in an original way, or in a particularly articulate and interesting way. preferably, you should do all three. but rehashing bromides in unremarkable diction is to no real end.
my name is matt. you can call me that if you like.
#8
Quote by darkrikku
i love it, whats its gerne?


Alternative Rock. That's just how the song sounds best, although I'm completley new to writing music this one came fairly easily. It'll be posted in a few days.



Quote by Gurgle!Argh!
i guess on the whole, i'm concerned by excessive amounts of cultural debris surrounding iraq. i dunno, i mean, i know its our generation's vietnam or whatever but i feel like unless you have something to say about it, its probably for the best not saying anything. i don't think this says anything. i mean, when you set out to write it, what did you want to communicate, and why did you feel it was necessary for you to attempt to communicate it?

in terms of the technical aspects of the poem, i've seen worse i guess, but it wasn't great. there were too many shoehorned rhymes at the expense of metre; the easiest way to make a poem sound clumsy is to stick in an unnecessary rhyme which screws up the rhythm of the line. beyond that sort of stuff, it just is. you're just saying things. they weren't particularly articulate or expressed in an interesting or unusual way. they were just bland, neutral words, assembled on a page with some rhyming.

i know this probably sounds harsh, and apologies for that. but when writing things, you need to come in with a clear idea of what you're saying, especially when you're writing about something which isn't personal to you, about something which is public property (so to speak). you really have to either have something original to say, or be able to say something which isn't so original in an original way, or in a particularly articulate and interesting way. preferably, you should do all three. but rehashing bromides in unremarkable diction is to no real end.


O.K. I can see where you're comming from. BTW no need to appologise, this IS a critisim fourm, so I would be quite dissapointed if someone didn't do a good job on it!

Like I said, I'm pretty new to this, so I have a few questions in response to your critisim...

#1 - When I started this song, I had planned for it to have an entirely different meaning and point of view. So my first question is... What is the best way to keep yourself foucused on what you mean to write about? If you keep too closed - minded, you close yourself out to some of songwritting's best attributes. If left too wide open, you get side-tracked... e.g. My song.

#2 - I know some great songs that have been written in free-verse, some without rhythem or rhyme, and some with one or the other. So my next question is... Is poetic form REALLY that important in a song?

#3 - This last question is probably the toughest for me... Songs are written for others to enjoy, so how do you appeal your songs to the public? You say that I'm writting about something that could, in context, offend some people, which is perfectly true. But at the same time that's not my purpose. So what should I do?

Thanks for all your critisism and answers in advance. Hope you had a good Christmas!
Rip Kylee Harris 4.13.93-11.28.08
Quote by Capt_Clarkson
tell him that he is the drummer and that his opinions are invalid

Quote by Jim Harkins
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

#9
I enjoyed it, not overdone by and not underdone, it's a well balanced song. Of course it's a widely used topic, but then again, it's something that's always great to write about. I like the part with "to them I'm just another soldier in iraq", that's one of the deeper lines in the song that did catch my attention. You never lost track of where you were going with the lyrics(something I tend to do) and your message is damn well written, kudos to you :]
But I guess sorta like what someone else said, the only complaint is the title, which I felt could have been more...sophisticated(this is coming from a dude who names his song "the end of the world" xp). But it was just a plain title and it seemed like this piece was more deserving of something a little more then that :]
#10
Quote by ArcadianWarrior
I enjoyed it, not overdone by and not underdone, it's a well balanced song. Of course it's a widely used topic, but then again, it's something that's always great to write about. I like the part with "to them I'm just another soldier in iraq", that's one of the deeper lines in the song that did catch my attention. You never lost track of where you were going with the lyrics(something I tend to do) and your message is damn well written, kudos to you :]
But I guess sorta like what someone else said, the only complaint is the title, which I felt could have been more...sophisticated(this is coming from a dude who names his song "the end of the world" xp). But it was just a plain title and it seemed like this piece was more deserving of something a little more then that :]


That's it! *throws pear at self* Title IS now "Brothers In Iraq". Although it's not much of a change, the word is much stronger than Solider, I think.

Thanks for the critisim ArcadianWarrior... Keep it comming!
Rip Kylee Harris 4.13.93-11.28.08
Quote by Capt_Clarkson
tell him that he is the drummer and that his opinions are invalid

Quote by Jim Harkins
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

#11
Quote by thementor
Alternative Rock. That's just how the song sounds best, although I'm completley new to writing music this one came fairly easily. It'll be posted in a few days.



O.K. I can see where you're comming from. BTW no need to appologise, this IS a critisim fourm, so I would be quite dissapointed if someone didn't do a good job on it!

Like I said, I'm pretty new to this, so I have a few questions in response to your critisim...

#1 - When I started this song, I had planned for it to have an entirely different meaning and point of view. So my first question is... What is the best way to keep yourself foucused on what you mean to write about? If you keep too closed - minded, you close yourself out to some of songwritting's best attributes. If left too wide open, you get side-tracked... e.g. My song.


i suppose that my words weren't wholly clear. i mean, its nice to start thinking you'll say one thing and then end up saying something else, as long as the change happens because the writing process causes you to rethink what it is you wanted to say. the problem here was that i don't think you were really saying anything. in some ways, i want you to get sidetracked, i want to hear how things touch on you personally. when you write something and someone reads it, they're giving that time to you for you to tell them something, and i just think its worth saying something interesting. my suggestion to go in with a clear idea was more of a general method that works to make sure that what you're writing has a point to it. but its having a point that is important.

#2 - I know some great songs that have been written in free-verse, some without rhythem or rhyme, and some with one or the other. So my next question is... Is poetic form REALLY that important in a song?


yes and no. some great songs read awfully on paper, because vocal melodies allow you to do a lot of things that just don't really work when somethings spoken aloud. equally, some really structured stuff works terribly in song. but i can't hear what you're doing vocally, so i can only go on what i read, so if things scan awkwardly, it seems worthwhile pointing it out, as those are often the parts that fit worst in the song. so, for example, in your first stanza

All of these sins
Just like this sand
I let them all fall
right through my hand.

i'm gonna point out that the 'all' in the first line breaks up what is actually a pretty regular iambic metre. to me, it sounds incredibly out of place. sure, it might work in a song, but it might not too. it'll almost certainly be easier to work in without the 'all', so i think its worth mentioning.

#3 - This last question is probably the toughest for me... Songs are written for others to enjoy, so how do you appeal your songs to the public? You say that I'm writting about something that could, in context, offend some people, which is perfectly true. But at the same time that's not my purpose. So what should I do?


my problem isn't that you might offend someone; if anything its the exact opposite. i don't think this could offend anyone because i don't think it really says anything. i mean, lets follow it through and see what it says. it says that people have been fighting, that wrongs have been committed, that many people have died for little success and that the soldier is pleased to be returning home to his family and home that he's missed so much. none of this is remotely new. the sentiments you're expressing here are ones which, outside of a few extremist nutters, are pretty much uniformly held. it isn't offering anything new. that is the trouble. it doesn't offer any new perspective on the matter. of course, new perspective does not have to be a different sentiment or feeling on the matter; it could equally be just a new and interesting way of expressing these sentiments, or it could even just be a particularly eloquent way of expressing those sentiments which serves to provide a sense of catharsis, in the shared and powerful expression of grief. as it is, this just doesn't do these things.. i read it to the end and i don't feel that i've learned anything from it or gained anything from it or seen something new and interesting. fundamentally, for the time i've invested into reading it, i haven't really gained anything. this isn't a good thing. we're supposed to gain something from reading poetry or hearing a song or reading a book, be it a fresh perspective or just a well expressed sentiment that gives us the possibility of catharsis. this doesn't do these things, so for me, it doesn't work.

Thanks for all your critisism and answers in advance. Hope you had a good Christmas!
my name is matt. you can call me that if you like.
#12
^longest opinon ever^

+1
Rip Kylee Harris 4.13.93-11.28.08
Quote by Capt_Clarkson
tell him that he is the drummer and that his opinions are invalid

Quote by Jim Harkins
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.