#1
Hey guys, this is the first song I've ever written and i would just like to hear your thoughts and some constructive criticism.

I can't keep going on
I just can't seem to break through
You know I'd give it all
For one last look at you

Chorus
And the walls have caven in
I'm trapped inside this vault of delusion
I try to scream your name
But what's the point? I know you're not listenin

We could have had it all
Things could have been so good
I didn't realize how fast I'd fall
I thought you'd be there to save me from drownin

Chorus
And the walls have caven in
I'm trapped inside this vault of delusion
I try to scream your name
But what's the point? I know you're not listenin
#2
How about:

I can't keep going on
I just can't seem to break through
You know I'd give it all
For Rick Rubin, the f*****g Jew!!!

just a suggestion, take it or leave it.
#3
"The walls have caven in" is terrible grammar. Should definitely be "The walls (have) caved in".

This isn't terrible. It'll be closed due to your thread title though, make the thread title the same as the lyric title next time.

Oh, and have a very Merry Christmas.