#1
This is a poem I wrote earlier today planning to make it into a song. I took plenty of influence from my favorite Blackened Doom Metal bands Dolorian and Forgotten Tomb in the style of writing. I would really appreciate some constructive criticism.

Thanks in Advance.

I.Nothing

And I lie...
Silently, Solemnly
with the contemplations of a thought
that never was.

Withering...
I scorn my feeble mind
loathe my wretched heart.

As cold tears fall
upon my face
and I collapse
my all that shatters.

Broken...
and Cold...

tears cease to flow
and I reek of overwhelming despair.

As dawn approaches
there is no life in morning
no ray of hope in sight
not one glimmering bit of light.

And I perish...
I realized I was god when I prayed and saw that I was talking to myself.
#2
Quote by VengeanceIsMine


I.Nothing

And I lie...
Silently, Solemnly
with the contemplations of a thought
of all that could have been but never was

Withering...
I scorn my feeble mind
loathe my wretched heart.
staring into the night sky, with wind tearing it apart

As cold tears fall
upon my face
and I collapse
my all that shatters.

Broken...
and Cold...

tears cease to flow
and I reek of overwhelming despair.

As dawn approaches
there is no life in morning
no ray of hope in sight
not one glimmering bit of light.

And I perish...

well the only doom i listen to is my dying bride.
dunno about the line suggestions i made as they sound a bit emo...and this is a doom song.

however, i really do like the 1st, 3rd and 6th stanzas.

i'd say it's good