#1
I.
He's standing there like nothing's worth his effort, 'cept for us.
In his eyes, pride and desperation.
In my eyes, fascinated guilt.
He throws colors, catches fire,
not getting tired of trying
over and over again-
Does he have time to practice?

II.
She's lying there, too afraid to shout
the passers by stare and pretend nothing's wrong
A dog barks as people start looking away
She'd like to go home but he's making her stay

While I have my pizza
I wonder if I
should call the police
and ask them to come by.
Believe me I fought myself
as I went along
- - -

III.
On the way back I catch her eyes
they look just a little like mine
She's staring right back at me, but I
can't tell if she's shocked or
just fine.
Last edited by InaneInfinity at Jan 1, 2009,
#2
First of all I like how you change syntax and punctuation (moosshrott, i should be an english teacher) from stanza to stanza... the fact that there's no punctuation at all in the second verse gives it a tense atmosphere.
I just had an idea for the second line, I'm sorry if it's got nothing to do with your idea but I'd find it interesting if you changed desperation in (despe)ration... Rest of the first stanza I really like... well the last line's not perfect to me but I can't think of anything at the moment...
II. is okay... I like the "as people start looking away" but the rest is kind of cliché and some of the rhymes seem forced. you could work on that one. I like the last three lines though... well no, reading it again, I like the whole second verse. If I get it right it's simple and a bit cliché on purpose...
can't say anything about III yet. seems fine. good closure.
all in all a good poem if you ask me. like the ambience it creates.
#3
First line, except shortened is 'cept, not 'xept.

I didn't like the last stanza, it felt all too fillery, as you just repeated the fact that you locked eyes (I catch her eyes/shes staring back at me) in two different ways, on each side of another line. The very last line's rhythm felt very forced. It felt like you tried to build it up to those two last words, and in the end it made it very anticlimatic.

The rest was brilliant, but I would have preferred to see a lot more of the circus imagery, contrasting sadness with bright colours etc, as the only place you did that was "he throws colours, catches fire".

Also, are you two the same people, or roomies or something?