#1
Planet Rozanne


Don’t look at me like I am planet.
I’m only this way because I got knocked up.
I can’t help it if things turn out this way,
that's just the way my body works.

It’s been a long time since I’ve looked at myself in the mirror;
I dare not do it.
I can see it shrinking like pupils adjusting to darkness,
afraid to return to normality - whatever that may be.

I covered a sponge in charcoal the other day
and wiped it over my tongue;
It tasted wonderful,
the vomit did not.

The baby kicked harder than it had ever done before
and no one was there to feel it with me.
I was still proud. Maybe he’ll be a footballer, I thought,
maybe I’ll never have to get pregnant again.

When he came out, he looked dreadful,
but I knew I loved him.
Yeah I was young and insincere,
but I knew I loved him,
at least of that I am sure.

His smile reminded me of a Daniel,
so that’s what I named him.
He played football all the time
and always cleared the stones from the grass before he began.
With his polite skills and appreciative nods,
he attracted many, many girls from the side lines;
they all wanted a taste of his unique sense of morality.
But he always seemed to be crying,
no matter how hard I beat him.
Maybe I should of left him inside my belly for a little while longer.


Digitally Clean
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Dec 25, 2008,
#3
I'm seeing flashes of the good ole' Dan, but something's not quite right.

The first stanza went on for longer than it needed to. Aw hell, all four lines were the same to me. And the charcoal bit had me scratching my head. It just seemed so irrelevant, even though it sets a certain tone. I dunno, I just read it and think to myself "why"?

The last three stanzas were classic "Dan". My only complaint is that Daniel could have been more fine tuned as an image. You start with football, then turn to guitar, then to girls, it all could have been sanded down. Give him one hobby, give him one relationship. Daniel stands for something, and we need to make sure that it hits hard, with no delay. No "we'll lets throw this in there too". It ain't a damn fruitcake.

Sorry for my mannerisms. I'm in a certain mood. Enjoyable piece thats moving in the right direction.

EDIT: I LOOOOOOOVVEE the title.
#4
I agree that the character of Daniel could of been more focused. I might change that as this was wrote in about half an hour.

The poem (song) was meant to encourage you to feel something about pregnancy, to think about it. When you say "why", that's excatly what I want you to say.

Thanks for the comment about it being "sick", that was one of the aims. I appreciate you both.
#5
It tasted wonderful,
the vomit did not.

Needs to be more pause or better phrasing here.

Yeah I was young and insincere

Comma after Yeah.

The last lines phrasing or placement was off, just ran on a bit too much for flows sake. Like, it was still quick so I took it in before realising.

Edit this and it can be great. As the ninja said, it needs clearer steps.



ps. MSN?
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
i like it. but, i think you could've been a little more creative. i dunno, it just seems like a pretty standard narrative. i know you're a good writer so i figured it would eventually expand to something a little more concrete and abstract than just feelings on pregnancy. still, good work here just i guess i expect more from writers like you on the forum.
#8
this takes too long to build up to what you want, and it falls just whort of where it should. The last three stanzas are good, but lack your usual style. This piece doesn't read well enough to acheive your goal. I would love to see this work though.