#1
This is a song a wrote to fill in a punk instrumental I wrote. I hope the repetition isn't too crazy. If ginjaninja reads this...I'm sorry for any and all grammar mistakes ahead of time.

Chorus:
You had your chance
your intentions were hidden
you shoulda, coulda, woulda
but you didn't.

Verse1:
The curtains open
the surgeons dig in
the lights get lower
the doctor starts to grin
you said that you would be there
you said that it would be fair
you said that it wouldn't hurt
you said that you wouldn't flirt
you said that I would stay dry
you said that you would stop by
you said too many things
you said you said,
you said...

Verse2:
The crowd ends their laughs
the nurse travels back
people start to leave
they never wanted to grieve
you could have taken the dare
you could have started to care
you could have made me divert
you could be in the dirt
you could have kept your eyes dry
you could have said your good-byes.
you could have done so much
you could, you could,
you could...

Bridge:
Props are put away
Spirits start to drain
Most won't ever feel this way
as it begins to rain
You should have beware
you should have prepared
you should have been braced
you should have been replaced
you should have tried to revive
you should have kept me alive
you should have done so much
you would have kept me alive.

C4C as always.
Quote by darkstar2466
Don't fret man.
Last edited by gamebreaker at Dec 25, 2008,
#2
Quote by gamebreaker

Chorus:
You had your chance
your intentions were hidden
you shoulda, coulda, woulda
but you didn't.

I've always wanted to write a song that starts with the chorus. I like this, seems fast paced

Verse1:
The curtains open
the surgeons dig in
the lights get lower
the doctor starts to grin
you said that you would be there
you said that it would be fair
you said that it wouldn't hurt
you said that you wouldn't flirt
you said that I would stay dry
you said that you would stop by
you said too many things
you said you said,
you said...

The doctor line seems a little long; maybe change it to "as the doctor grins"? "starts" just sticks out to me for some reason. I'm not sure I'm seeing the correlation between the two halves of the verse. The repetitiveness is used well however

Verse2:
The crowd starts to laugh
the nurse travels back
people start to leave
they never wanted to grieve
you could have taken the dare
you could have started to care
you could have made me divert
you could be in the dirt
you could have kept your eyes dry
you could have said your good-byes.
you could have done so much
you could, you could,
you could...

Again the repetitiveness is used well, I know of many songs that it can be annoying in, but you've steered clear. The divert/dirt line rubs me the wrong way though.

Bridge:
Props are put away
Spirits start to drain
Most won't ever feel this way
as it begins to rain
You should have beware
you should have prepared
you should have been braced
you should have been replaced
you should have tried to revive
you should have kept me alive
you should have done so much
you would have kept me alive.

C4C as always.


I liked the overall message you're trying to say, just was a bit confusing to catch onto right away. Maybe I'm just slow in the head today LOL--more coffee plz--but seriously, I liked it. Knowing before hand that it'd be going with a punk instrumental helped my inner voice with the flow as well lol
#3
Thanks for looking at it. The song is set up a little weird. Each of the first four lines have two measures of 4 beats to be sung. Then the rest are four beats each, and it's pretty fast just like a regular punk song would be. Some of the rhymes are forced just so it could rhyme. I'll try and take another look at it to see if i can make them better. Thanks again for checking it out.

Hint: The first four lines of each verse correlate into two separate stories, just in case no one catches it.
Quote by darkstar2466
Don't fret man.
#4
line 4 verse 1 'starts' verse 2 line 1 'starts' dont sit right with me and 'most won't ever feel this way' just seems a bit outa step with the rest though it may sit better with the music if its meant to be a statment.
otherwise really easy to read and really interesting too.
really enjoyed...
#5
Quote by lugchris
line 4 verse 1 'starts' verse 2 line 1 'starts' dont sit right with me and 'most won't ever feel this way' just seems a bit outa step with the rest though it may sit better with the music if its meant to be a statment.
otherwise really easy to read and really interesting too.
really enjoyed...


Updated and Duly noted. Thx for the feedback! and the "most won't ever feel this way" is a statement from the protagonist to the audience. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Quote by darkstar2466
Don't fret man.
#6
Quote by gamebreaker
This is a song a wrote to fill in a punk instrumental I wrote. I hope the repetition isn't too crazy. If ginjaninja reads this...I'm sorry for any and all grammar mistakes ahead of time.

Chorus:
You had your chance
your intentions were hidden
you shoulda, coulda, woulda
but you didn't.

Nice way to open, I certinly cannot complain

Verse1:
The curtains open
the surgeons dig in
the lights get lower
the doctor starts to grin
you said that you would be there
you said that it would be fair
you said that it wouldn't hurt
you said that you wouldn't flirt
you said that I would stay dry
you said that you would stop by
you said too many things
you said you said,
you said...

I like this, alot! repetition in this piece works wonders, and strangely.. doesn't become boring, which I think usually does happen with the repeated phrases, not here though, fantastic!

Verse2:
The crowd ends their laughs
the nurse travels back
people start to leave
they never wanted to grieve
you could have taken the dare
you could have started to care
you could have made me divert
you could be in the dirt
you could have kept your eyes dry
you could have said your good-byes.
you could have done so much
you could, you could,
you could...

... I got the title now.. ha ha, well done, again, nice work with repetition, nothing I could complain about, well done.

Bridge:
Props are put away
Spirits start to drain
Most won't ever feel this way
as it begins to rain
You should have beware
you should have prepared
you should have been braced
you should have been replaced
you should have tried to revive
you should have kept me alive
you should have done so much
you would have kept me alive.

Again, a winner for me, lol, sorry I couldn't find anything to attack

C4C as always.


Overall, very nice work here my friend, thanks for the crit on words too sorry I couldn't find much to attack... or anything really but this piece is pretty damn good, I couldn't have brought up any issues that I could see.. cause there were none, well done!
#7
First of all thank you for the crit. I appreciate it. I really liked the chorus. Very cathcy. (Actually the whole song was pretty catchy). Great rhthm throughout the piece. My biggest complaint is the second verse. The first two line of verse 2 just don't sound right. Also, I think it would sound better if you opened up the first verse with an AABA rhyme scheme like you do in verse 1 instead of the AABB you currently have. Also in the Bridge the "as it begins to rain" line sticks out likea sore thumb. It just doesn't seem to fit. Maybe you could find a way to relate it more to the "spirit drain" line. (But I really enjoyed the "Props are put away/Spirits start to drain line). Anyways, nice job and I hope to read more from you.
And by the way "dios" means "god".
#8
Thanks mars, I didn't even notice that. and I thought it meant god...
Quote by darkstar2466
Don't fret man.
#9
I know it doesn't help, but I thought everything was great! The repetition was great, and surprisingly never got boring or annoying, same with the rhyming scheme. Usually I hate it when every line rhymes with the next used throughout the hole song, but it was used very well in this one! Nice job!
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