#1
he begs for the space around his stone to be cleared
flags for our gentlemen, clutter this piece of granite
a painter who has every angle figured in
but can never manage to get out.
if i end up at the dog track
make fuckin' sure there isn't a doubt
i'll come back a winner
with a naval peacoat on my back
not a dollar in my bank account
only names of the ships i had sank.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#2
didn't like the phrase "this piece of granite"
I thought that technically this wasn't your best. The wording wasn't as tight as some of your stuff. Still, I think it is one of the more moving I've read.

Good stuff.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#3
for me it was more just throwing it out. not looking for rhyme, or even rhythm. just the right things to say, and i hope i said them.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#4
aye. I've read it a few more times now. Believe me, I love this a lot. I was just trying to say exactly what you just explained.

cheers
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#5
i meant to comment on this last night but i didn't get a chance to, what with the holiday business and all.

Quote by freshtunes
hope i said them.
so there you go.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#6
went back to the piece to look for that line, and realized you just critiqued my uncertainty.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror