#1
Words

Freefalling through hellish lights and colourful skies
Hunting within the colours, patterns made of cloud,
Still, above the world, there is no sound,
Silence brings a question, noise will heed no answer.

Are words not but noisy breaths? Seeking to etch sounds and feelings into mind,
To free a soul from the flesh of an interior complex, self resolving, all consuming,
Tearing through a constant, a conscious, to seek and reveal,
You are not seeking out an answer; you are hunting a thousand questions.

Still you find yourself freefalling, though no patterns made of cloud,
No dancing lights of colour to tantalize your eyes, you are within yourself now,
Lost within, there is no resolution; you have your own voice,
Still lost for words?



I just dribbled this one out, it will probably need a massive overhaul, ha ha, I hope someone gets something out of this, of couse, C4C, go wild, I'm reall wanting to know what this one is like!

Last edited by Vallowary at Dec 28, 2008,
#2
I think this is pretty good. I didn't get much out of it the first read, but the second time it was a little bit clearer for me. Obviously the middle stanza is more straight forward, but I still couldn't pull too much out of the others aside from the difference between them. I'd say just try to change those first and last stanzas so that they have more of an impact.

Thanks for the crit, man!
We're only strays.
#3
somehow, i think the whole theme and tone of this poem 100% fits the font you put it in.
i know, it's a small detail, but it appealed to me.

keep up the good work!
Quote by megadeth rule
how do you trip on acid? was your shoelace untied?


Quote by perry589
Mikko, you remind me of a clogged up toilet. You're the poo that won't go away.
#4
Martyr's Prayer, thanks for the input, this is very much a work in progress and still in almost infantile stages, it needs work, some love and attention but hopefully I can work with it, and train wreck, cheers! ha ha, it was an accident too, but I'll take it, thanks for the input!
all!
#5
Quote by Vallowary
Words

Finding ones self freefalling through hellish lights and colourful skies
Hunting within the colours, patterns made of cloud,
Still, above the world, there is no sound,
Silence brings a question, noise will heed no answer.
No problem here, i like the third line. I dont really get the second though.

Are words not but noisy breaths? Seeking to etch sounds and feelings into mind,
To free a soul from the flesh of an interior complex, self resolving, all consuming,
Tearing through a constant, a conscious, to seek and reveal,
You are not seeking out an answer; you are hunting a thousand questions.
i really like the first line, i think this is my favorite stanza, no big problems here.

Still you find yourself freefalling, though no patterns made of cloud,
No dancing lights of colour to tantalize your eyes, you are within yourself now,
Lost within, there is no resolution; you have your own voice,
Still lost for words?
For some reason i didnt like that you used the word free falling again, idk, it didnt ring to me. other than that good closing.






I didn't see any big problems. i didnt really get some lines though. But overall really good job

thank you for the crit on mine.
#7
Quote by Vallowary
Words

Finding ones self freefalling through hellish lights and colourful skies
Hunting within the colours, patterns made of cloud,
Still, above the world, there is no sound,
Silence brings a question, noise will heed no answer.

The colourful skies bit kinda clashes with the colours from the next line. The rest is great.

Are words not but noisy breaths? Seeking to etch sounds and feelings into mind,
To free a soul from the flesh of an interior complex, self resolving, all consuming,
Tearing through a constant, a conscious, to seek and reveal,
You are not seeking out an answer; you are hunting a thousand questions.

I liked this one a lot. Lines 2 and 3 co-exist very well. and the last line is nice.

Still you find yourself freefalling, though no patterns made of cloud,
No dancing lights of colour to tantalize your eyes, you are within yourself now,
Lost within, there is no resolution; you have your own voice,
Still lost for words?

A great way to finish. Nothing wrong here.




I really enjoyed this piece. I hope to see more, either from this or a different one.

If you don't mind could you take a look at "coulda, shoulda, woulda, in my sig?
Quote by darkstar2466
Don't fret man.
#10
First of all thank you for the crit. I appreciate it. Maybe it's the way I'm reading it, but some lines seem to drag on. I really think the good majority of them could be split in to. (For example the last line of the first stanza could be split intp two lines right after the comma. It just flows better to me). Also the "Finding oneself" at the start of the first stanza seems a bit unneccessary. I would drop it and just start with "freefalling..." . Other than that small complaint everything seems to be good. Very insightful. (Also I think this piece would make a great intro speech to a song. just an idea). Anyways, nice job, man.