#1
c4c leave me a link though
im not sure about this one.


Frustration devours every single inch of my body
With fear as its motivation

(Have we forgotten what it means to love?)

I am nothing
But a complex carbon-based organism
Creating illusions that only make frustration hungrier

(Have we forgotten what it means to be?)

We have lost ourselves in our thoughts
And once all is done,
Once there is nothing left,

We’ll all begin again
Because no one likes to lose meaning.
#2
Quote by thefoundationof
c4c leave me a link though
im not sure about this one.


Frustration devours every single inch of my body
With fear as its motivation

Wonderful start, I really like this little section.

(Have we forgotten what it means to love?)

Again, I like this too, it's like a complete backflip from the first little part, doesn't seem to really fit, but I've never been a fan of normality, so it sits just fine with me

I am nothing
But a complex carbon-based organism
Creating illusions that only make frustration hungrier

Seemed...violently crowded to say the least, but at the same time seemed to fit in with the bottled up agro feel to the piece, so I can see how it would work.

(Have we forgotten what it means to be?)

Like the last thing in brackets, seems to have little to no reference towards the piece, seems random and slightly out of place to me, like I said, I enjoy randomness, but other people might see it as a downfall, unless of course I'm missing the grand scheme of things... I probably am. ha ha

We have lost ourselves in our thoughts
And once all is done,
Once there is nothing left,

Fantastic.

We’ll all begin again
Because no one likes to lose meaning.

A nice way to finish it off, well done.
.


Overall I thought it to be a nice piece with a fair bit of portential, keeping working at this, because I can seem glimpses of pure genius! "Words" in my sig could do with a serious bit of looking over, and it'd be awesome if you could
#4
Quote by thefoundationof

Frustration devours every single inch of my body
I don't like "single", it drags out the line, quite on the contrary to your intentions with the snappy, angry first two words.
With fear as its motivation
There's something about this line that I just couldn't quite pick out. It seems to be too damn wordy for its own good.

(Have we forgotten what it means to love?)
Interesting. I think the parenthesis hide some of the intensity of this line, but maybe that's just me.

I am nothing
But a complex carbon-based organism
Brilliant, pure genius.
Creating illusions that only make frustration hungrier
Good, yet again its the word-y-ness of it that drags the line down.

(Have we forgotten what it means to be?)
Definitely drop the parenthesis on these two lines.

We have lost ourselves in our thoughts
Drop the "our", I didn't like the repetition.
And once all is done,
Once there is nothing left,

Why the double line break? You just wrecked the flow for me.
We’ll all begin again
Because no one likes to lose meaning.
Great.



This ruins itself with the over-word-y-ness in parts, killing the flow dead to get across a simple idea. You just need to go over this out loud and really give it a sorting.


Those parenthesized parts reminded me of something I had written, there's a link in my sig to my blog, called "what'll it be".
Last edited by ginjaninja at Dec 27, 2008,