#1
This one might need some work...


Yes, I Believe In Revolution, But Nothing Spins Forever

But, But, But,“But” nothing.
The earth has not been spinning forever.
It’s touching, really,
I’m touched you would ask.
You even removed,
from your pocket, a flask
and offered a hearty swig to me
of some age old whiskey,
a delicacy
in my home town
where the grass ain’t green
unless you want it to be,
though it’s normally brown
or a shade in between.
I never paid any mind
to the nature of things
save the birds who won’t sing
if the words don’t rhyme,
and they never lose track of the time.
Last edited by BluePaintCult at Dec 27, 2008,
#2
i like it. i would like to hear how this turns out. as i read this i imagined it being sung with just a piano though and very light guitar strumming which i doubt you had in mind as well.
#4
Ah, beautiful. I just simply love it.
"Don't you know there ain't no devil, there's just God when he's drunk." -Tom Waits
#8
Quote by zchavez09
i like how your use of words


what?

I thought the flow and rhyming here was really well done. Really enjoyed the lines about the grass.

I think the thing you alluded to that may be missing from this poem is something linking the first twenty or so lines to the last five. It feels like an awfully sudden jump that flows well phonetically but not logically.

I definitely enjoyed this, however.
#10
I really like the second half of this, I'm trying to picture it as a song... I wasn't a huge fan of the start and it seemed to end somewhat abruptly, good stuff though
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#11
#13
May just be me, but the last two lines of the piece sort of jarred me. The 'if' and 'and' don't sit right with me. If I had any crit, it would be that. Otherwise, I like it. It flows pretty well. I think someone mentioned tying the beginning and end together, and I concur. The rhyming is impressive to me. I can't rhyme like that without it being Seus-sy like, so kudos for keeping it subtle.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#17
Wow I really really liked it, definitely has to be acoustic and real soulful :]
Quote by captaincrunk
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Try WebMD.


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#18
i havent read anything by you in a long time but you're still pretty fu.cking good.
#19
Awesome, I really like the feel of the lyrics.

Oh and "nothing spins forever"? You haven't seen meatspin
#20
clever

the whole piece is very upfront
which makes the imagery POP in your head
besides the last two lines which kinda threw the piece off
i could just be me
but i can't see any connection
Reaching for the sun
one may forget
the feet which
ground him
#22
I love the first line (:
It's short but really amazing. You're really good at writing D;