#1
crit4crit

ME SIENTO COMO DIOS

I was feeling cold and alone
So I layed down with a snow angel.
Everything stood still and frozen
In the happiness of that moment.
And in the warmth of frostbite-burns,
I could tell I fell in love with her.

On the breath of chapped lips
I could see my soul
Exposed to the whole world

The angel of snow loved me so much,
She crucified me with icicles.
Those nails were like Cupid's arrows,
Piercing my heart as I caroled,
"Cuando mi corazon es muy frio
Mas me siento como Dios"

On the breath of chapped lips
I could see my soul
Exposed to the whole world

These cold months never leave me bitter
'Cause the sun is brighest in the winter.
Last edited by themarsvolta at Dec 29, 2008,
#2
Quote by themarsvolta
crit4crit

ME SIENTO COMO DIOS

I was feeling cold and alone
So I layed down with a snow angel.
Everything stood still and frozen
In the happiness of that moment.
And in the warmth of frostbite-burns,
I could tell I fell in love with her.

For the 2nd line, I think it would flow better as "an angel of snow". The 2nd to last line is great.

On the breath of chapped lips
I could see my soul
Exposed to the whole world

I like this, simple and delicate.

The angel of snow loved me so much,
She crucified me with icicles.
Those nails were like Cupid's arrows,
Piercing my heart as I caroled,
"Cuando mi corazon es muy frio
Mas me siento como Dios"

This has a lot of emotion packed in it. I like it. too bad i don't understand the last line.

On the breath of chapped lips
I could see my soul
Exposed to the whole world

But these words can't convey how many times
I wanted to hold you on Christmas night.
I'd show you to wise men to let them know
I found the savior they were looking for
But I'll never be in Heaven's embrace,
I just hope Hell is as warm as they say.

I can't find anything wrong with this. I love the last line.

Tired of scraping a bit at a time,
I cried and prayed for you to break the ice.
No, you left me buried by the snow
To dig my way out with a crown of thorns
But these cold months never leave me bitter
'Cause the sun is brighest in the winter.

Awesome. I can't even describe this. just...awesome...


Wow, this piece has a lot to offer. I love the biblical allusion and a Christmasy vibe to boot. I dropped spanish for my senior year this year, so could you remind me of what Dios means? Mind taking a look at "Coulda, Shoulda, Would" for me? Great writing.
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Don't fret man.
#3
Quote by themarsvolta
crit4crit

ME SIENTO COMO DIOS

I was feeling cold and alone
So I layed down with a snow angel.
Everything stood still and frozen
In the happiness of that moment.
And in the warmth of frostbite-burns,
I could tell I fell in love with her.

I can see what gamebreaker is saying about "an angel of snow" but after reading on, I'd say leave it as is, seems to go with the rest of the peice, but then again, maybe change it, whatever tickles you fancy really.

On the breath of chapped lips
I could see my soul
Exposed to the whole world

Well that is just beautiful, well done.

The angel of snow loved me so much,
She crucified me with icicles.
Those nails were like Cupid's arrows,
Piercing my heart as I caroled,
"Cuando mi corazon es muy frio
Mas me siento como Dios"

Maybe in here drop the "much" off of the first line as it makes the line feel awkward, other that that, fantastic.

On the breath of chapped lips
I could see my soul
Exposed to the whole world

But these words can't convey how many times
I wanted to hold you on Christmas night.
I'd show you to wise men to let them know
I found the savior they were looking for

This whole stanza seems very awkward to me, first line and third line really ruin this stanza, I can see the idea and I like it, it just needs to be.. defined more within the writing. Work at this stanza, but I like the idea.


But I'll never be in Heaven's embrace,
I just hope Hell is as warm as they say.

I like this... though it only barely ties in with the last stanza.. still, I like it.

Tired of scraping a bit at a time,
I cried and prayed for you to break the ice.
No, you left me buried by the snow
To dig my way out with a crown of thorns

2nd and 4th lines here seem a little awkward to me, but I like the idea, work at it.

But these cold months never leave me bitter
'Cause the sun is brighest in the winter.

Fantastic way to finish, my favourite part of the whole piece. well done.


Overall I really did enjoy the piece and from what I can make of it.. seems to be about someone hungering for faith after a crisis, thats just what it said to me, I could be wrong. If you could check out "words" in my sig, it'd be much appreciated
#4
Quote by themarsvolta
crit4crit

ME SIENTO COMO DIOS
the title adds so much to the piece. And it sounds better in spanish too

I was feeling cold and alone
So I layed down with a snow angel.
Everything stood still and frozen
In the happiness of that moment.
And in the warmth of frostbite-burns,
I could tell I fell in love with her.

On the breath of chapped lips
I could see my soul
Exposed to the whole world

The angel of snow loved me so much,
She crucified me with icicles.
Those nails were like Cupid's arrows,
I didn't like the wording here. I'd prefer "the nails were", "those nails like", or "nails like" it just seems like there's an excess word there somewhere to me.

Piercing my heart as I caroled,
"Cuando mi corazon es muy frio
Mas me siento como Dios"
I like the ending here a lot

On the breath of chapped lips
I could see my soul
Exposed to the whole world

I'm certain that on Christmas
Oh I'll be born as Christ
If I die for my sins

But I'll never be in Heaven's embrace,
I just hope Hell is as warm as they say.

You left me cold and alone
Left me for dead and I
Buried myself in the snow

These last couple stanza seem a little disconnected to me. Like thoughts thrown on the page instead of coming from one another. This isn't a very strong feeling but I felt like saying it anyways.


But these cold months never leave me bitter
'Cause the sun is brighest in the winter.
nice ending


sorry for the thin crit :/

Once again, I enjoyed this very much. However, I don't think it's your best work. It's relatable and solid. Just not as engrossing as some of your stuff.

glad to see you posting

if you don't mind dropping a quick opinion here, https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1032357 that would be cool
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#5
first cut is solid, nothing particularly sharp, but it draws a reader in, pretty imagery. second cut starts off with a good thought, but the last two lines come off a little cliche and uninteresting. the third stanza does very well in conveying the sharpness of winter cold, it's a wonderfully literal stanza, unfortunately my spanish is a little rusty so i can't quite make out all of the last two lines. the final couple lines are excellent, the excess of sun in the coldest season has always been one of my favorite ideas to play with, and you nailed it. overall this was pretty solid if not particularly powerful, a nice little winter love vignette, and i may be off base here but i picked up some definite drug undertones, but that may just be my tendency to associate love of snow to figurative drug addiction. good job though.