#1
thanks for looking,this just came to me and its not as dark as it first seems,its just a question about whether we actually cease to exist at some point or do we all move to a different point.

Tired of dying
Again and again
Seen my life run
So many times
And then
It continues
But does'nt end
How many layers
Over and over
An inch from the fall
Scrabbling fingers
And another
Yet again

How many times have i died
How many times have i lied
When will the finish come
When will i meet no 1 (number 1)

Tired of being
Again and again
Knowing it can't be
An endless line
And then
It continues
But does'nt end
How many pages
Can be turned
Bright lights bare down
Screaming brakes
And another
Yet again

How many times have i died
How many times have i cried
When will the finish come
will i ever meet no 1 (number 1)

Tired of seeing
Again and again
I should be gone
So many times
But still
It continues
With no end
Turning the leaves
Brown and dead
Shirt to kill smoke
Sirens scream
And another
Yet again

How many times have i died
How many times have i tried
When will the finish come
Is there a no 1 (number 1)

thats about it so say what you think (its only a jot down) so any comments welcome.

thanks
#2
First off, I really like the concept of the song. This song has ALOT of potential with some revising. The first verse kinda average(not bad tho), but I think the 2nd and 3rd are really, really good. However, in my humble opinion, the chorus is not very good. It simply dosen't do the verses justice. Its cheesy, and cliche, and needs to be completely redone. I'd hate to see those good verses go to waste with a lame chorus. If you can write a good chorus I think this will be a very good song. Keep up the good work.
#3
Quote by NittanyLion07
First off, I really like the concept of the song. This song has ALOT of potential with some revising. The first verse kinda average(not bad tho), but I think the 2nd and 3rd are really, really good. However, in my humble opinion, the chorus is not very good. It simply dosen't do the verses justice. Its cheesy, and cliche, and needs to be completely redone. I'd hate to see those good verses go to waste with a lame chorus. If you can write a good chorus I think this will be a very good song. Keep up the good work.


i wrote this last night after a bit to much christmas cheer,so to be honest its the first time i've read it properly.i do agree that the chorus is cheesy to say the least and was going to reply straight away how much i agreed but then i thought ,as a piece of poetry then it does detract from the overall feeling but(and i am definitly no expert)as a song maybe it brings some form of repitition that could maybe stick in the mind.
would be interested what you think about that as when you look at lyrical compositions as a whole a lot of well known songs have sentiment and cheese all rolled in.carying the point and sticking in the mind.

i'm really happy with your crits and that you enjoyed as the verses although vague are about moments in my life when i thought HOW am i still here,to be honest though i could have written so many verses you'd still be reading now but thats what its about,when you think of how many times things could have gone really bad it makes you wonder how your stll here.

anyway i'm starting to ramble.

so thanks for reading and your feedback,gives a lot to think about that chorus bit.

to keep or not to keep
another new question...