#1
I don't know which way to go
Lost in this struggle I know
Cant find my way out of here
I hide the emotions I fear
Looking back at the lies
But now I realize
They were pointing the path
To my open grave
I close my eyes and try to feel
The memories, so real
I wipe the tears away
I can see the light of day
I bend down
To pick up the pieces
Of my shattered heart
I take the time
To put them together again
Just to find out
It all falls apart in the end
The pain I've suffered
Slowly loosens it's hold
The fear of falling
Has never seemed so old
I've seen what it's like
To be empty of you
And I know that your sorry
But do you still love me for who I am
With you my heart was soaring
Now it's spiraling out of control
Through your torture I'm choking
Losing you is tearing apart my soul
Last edited by grayelbows at Dec 29, 2008,
#3
it rhymes too much in the beginning, then when it stops, its kind of weird. awkward read, a tiny immature. but i like the emotion
#4
I'm going to be 100% honest, if you don't like it, tough sorry if it seems that i'm overly harsh, i dont mean to be
Quote by grayelbows
I don't know which way to go
Lost in this struggle I know
Cant find my way out of here
I hide the emotions I fear
rhymes seems very forced
Looking back at the lies
But now I realize
get rid of this line, it really adds nothing to the piece
They were pointing the path
To my open grave
pretty good few lines here
I close my eyes and try to feel
The memories, so real
I wipe the tears away
I can see the light of day
really liked these, but i dont really think that the light of day has much to do with the piece. i can see what you're aiming towards, but i think you need to work on this line a little more
I bend down
To pick up the pieces
Of my shattered heart
pretty cliche
I take the time
To put them together again
Just to find out
It all falls apart in the end
good 'delivery' but the idea is still too cliche
The pain I've suffered
Slowly loosens it's hold
The fear of falling
Has never seemed so old
good, but again, the rhymes here still seems a little forced
I've seen what it's like
To be empty of you
And I know that your sorry
But do you still love me for who I am
meh, these didnt really do anything for me. the rhythm was completely ruined by that last line
With you my heart was soaring
Now it's spiraling out of control
Through your torture I'm choking
Losing you is tearing apart my soul
again a pretty cliche and overused idea

this was alright, but very cliche in some places. rewrite those to include some more original ideas/interpretations.
C4C? 'Sit And Wait' in my sig thanks
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