#1
i'm at the end of my course
filled with no remorse
of my anger you're the source
i don't want to see your face anymore

quench my hearts desire
(before it consumes us all)
heed my warning sign
(before your rise and fall)

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--(5)-(5)----(5)-(5)---(5)-(5)--(5)-(5)--(5)-(5)-----------(3)-(3)--(3)-(3)--(3)-(3)------

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because the burning i feel inside,
was always your design
you took all the human out of me
please leave the rest just be

i dont care which way i turn
either way ill burn
of love ill never learn
you are the thorn in my side

love, hate, pain there all the same to me
i'll crumble this life and bury you in the debris
now your gone i can finally be free
because lifes a game where no one comes out alive
Last edited by grayelbows at Apr 24, 2010,
#2
I know this will sound picky, and I don't mean it with any offense, but the effectiveness of a piece can be greatly altered by grammar, punctuation, and capitalization. If it looks like you didn't put much time into typing it, it won't hold much of an effect.

For the writing itself
There are a few cliches and funny wordings that you might want to sort out
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#3
alright thanks ill add some punctuation and capitalize and stuff.
and if u could point out the wording stuff i should fix that would be great
#4
Quote by grayelbows
i'm at the end of my course
filled with no remorse
of my anger you're the source
i don't like the reversed sentence structure here
i don't want to see your face anymore
this line is alright, but i've heard it quite a few times before. you may want to come up with something more original

quench my heart's desire
(before it consumes us all)
heed my warning sign
(before your rise and fall)
i liked these lines
because the burning i feel inside,
was always your design
i can't help thinking that you used 'design' just to get the rhyme in?? in any case, it's the wrong word IMO and the rhyme feels forced
you took all the human out of me
please leave the rest just be
I liked what you are getting at here, but the wording on the final line is a bit confusing. maybe that's just the way i read it though??

i dont care which way i turn
either way i'll burn
of love i'll never learn
you are the thorn in my side
excellent

love, hate, pain they're all the same to me
very nice
i'll crumble this life and bury you in the debris
seems like there is a syllable too many in this line, maybe take out 'the'
now your gone i can finally be free
far too cliche, get rid of it
because life's a game where no one comes out alive
brilliant closing line don't make any changes to it :P

very nice, just a few things that need touching up/replacing.
grammatical errors are in bold, you said you wanted them pointed out I would also add a few commas, just to make it flow better
C4C? 'Break Down The Doors' in my sig, thanks
My current acoustic group:

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Last edited by jon93971 at Jan 2, 2009,