#1
Crit4crit (post a link.)

This is my first attempt at writing something religious. It's pretty much about people's varying opinions on the existence of some form of higher power. It's pretty rough at the moment, but I hope to improve as I do believe that it has some potential. Feedback is appreciated.


Naive


Back in the day,
I went to the Sunday morning reading,
And I saw the noble king was bleeding,
He’s human after all.

I’ll show you peace,
You wonder if there’s any point believing,
Because in the end we’ll all just end up grieving,
We’re human after all.

If ghosts lacked their transparency,
All would be said and done,
But if they’re just watching from above,
The war is never won.

Nail the coffin to the ground,
Hope the truth is never found,
It’s better to believe,
It’s better to be naïve.

Yeah, you’d believe,
If his force had sent you reeling,
If his presence had a feeling,
You’re human after all.

You don’t agree,
Why does the savior need high ceilings?
Why should we spend an hour kneeling?
You’re human after all.

If ghosts lacked their transparency,
All would be said and done,
But if they’re just watching from above,
The war is never won.

Nail the coffin to the ground,
Hope the truth is never found,
It’s better to believe,
It’s better to be naïve.

One day the church will drown,
In a pool of pretension,
Priestly duties,
Don’t serve the same importance as comical invention,
The bible is a fairytale,
They all lived happily ever after,
If you ever want to be man,
You must understand mythology is your master.

Nail the coffin to the ground,
Hope the truth is never found,
It’s better to believe,
It’s better to be naïve.

I don't think I'll ever believe,
I'll never be that naïve.
I'm here to help

Quote by Jimbleton
ok, as usual pit is being very unhelpful except andychalmers, so im gonna go post this someplace else


And a master of storytelling...

Quote by Jackolas
andychalmers102, that story is awesome.
Last edited by andychalmers102 at Dec 28, 2008,
#2
I actually really liked the concept of these lyrics, mostly because I, personally, am at a weird place in my life where I have no idea what to believe, but I've settled on an agnostic point of view.

The lyrics had a relatively smooth rhythm except for the bridge that you have, but it depends on what you're planning on doing with that part musically so I can't really say anything about it.

Anyway, good work, but just be careful, you might piss quite a few people off but, oh well, I'm sure you probably figured that already.
#3
Quote by andychalmers102
Crit4crit (post a link.)

This is my first attempt at writing something religious. It's pretty much about people's varying opinions on the existence of some form of higher power. It's pretty rough at the moment, but I hope to improve as I do believe that it has some potential. Feedback is appreciated.


Naive


Back in the day,
I went to the Sunday morning reading,
And I saw the noble king was bleeding,
He’s human after all.

I’ll show you peace,
You wonder if there’s any point believing,
Because in the end we’ll all just end up grieving,
We’re human after all.

If ghosts lacked their transparency,
All would be said and done,
But if they’re just watching from above,
The war is never won.

Nail the coffin to the ground,
Hope the truth is never found,
It’s better to believe,
It’s better to be naïve.

Yeah, you’d believe,
If his force had sent you reeling,
If his presence had a feeling,
You’re human after all.

You don’t agree,
Why does the savior need high ceilings?
Why should we spend an hour kneeling?
You’re human after all.

If ghosts lacked their transparency,
All would be said and done,
But if they’re just watching from above,
The war is never won.

Nail the coffin to the ground,
Hope the truth is never found,
It’s better to believe,
It’s better to be naïve.

One day the church will drown,
In a pool of pretension,
Priestly duties,
Don’t serve the same importance as comical invention,
The bible is a fairytale,
They all lived happily ever after,
If you ever want to be man,
You must understand mythology is your master.

Nail the coffin to the ground,
Hope the truth is never found,
It’s better to believe,
It’s better to be naïve.

I don't think I'll ever believe,
I'll never be that naïve.


hmm...I think this is a song, right? Because this seems to be more appropriate with music...anyway. It's rhythmically strong. I think you made good use of the repetition of lines with (e.g. "It's better", "Why does/should) with varying endings.

however I might advise removing the last two lines. The message throughout the whole piece is obviously towards/agreeing with those lines. It's kind of implied anyway, and I like to leave a hint of sarcasm (referring to the second to the last stanza here) sometimes....that sarcastic part seems to leave a stronger effect here. (IMhO).

i'd love to hear this in a song.


https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1032733
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian