#1
gather my compassion for what i didnt say
in a bookstore, should have got her first name.
we were wearing matching coats,
all i could think of was a light joke to tell.
the weather was too sad to talk about.

standing there for a good while,
past the point where conversation would be polite.
she folded up the covers, as i did with my arms.

father had a novel on military advancement,
that i just had to sea.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
Last edited by freshtunes at Dec 28, 2008,
#2
It should read: "the weather was TOO sad to talk about."

That entire first stanza is excellent for sure, though. "She folded up the covers, as I did with my arms" read somewhat awkwardly. I think it could be stated slightly better.

Also the tenses don't agree throughout. "Should have got" "I could" "weather was" but then "standing" "pasting" then again "she folded" "I did" "father had". Picking one tense here would remove some confusion.

Really though, despite those slight criticisms, I thought this was awesome. Definitely one of the more impressive poems that I've read from you. You're a much better writer than you get credit for 'round these parts. Keep it up.
#3
First stanza really drew me in. It was very personal and relateable while still being light and simple. Very, very well done.
I don't know about the rest though. The imagery in the second stanza is solid and the mood remains steady, but I'm just.. not satisfied with the end.
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#4
you write so honestly and beautifully. I love the feeling I get from this. sorrow but a lot more than that on top

I dunno how to comment any further
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#5
most of what i would have said has already been said.
I thought the first stanza was excellent
The second stanza was also very good.
I don't like the ending however. It may just be because I don't understand it fully, but I didn't relly think it has much else to do with the piece. I was also kind of abrupt, just when I was 'getting into it', it ended.
If you can sort out the ending (or explain it a bit more ) it would be an excellent piece
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#6
just read the last parts a little more closely. thanks.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#8
I think the last two stanzas just need a little nip and tuck, some of the lines are still a bit awkward. Everything else here was gorgeous. The first stanza was captivating.
#9
I agree, the first stanza is damn brilliant, and the whole piece is drenched with emotion.
#10
This is a crackin' read. I really enjoyed it. I actually think the first verse is the section that needs a little tarting up. That's just me though.
I also think that this seems over relevant. It's only a small quibble but I don't really feel anything new with it, even the ending which is quite neat.
I'm going to try and return to this - there's a few I have to return to now - and I hope I will see a better side.

Good work, freshy.