#1
c4c.


Greasy mullet shakes hands with the collar on his Sunday best;
(coffee stain and all).

Kneelin' before Jesus and moaning,
"jus' bring'er back lawd. i'll quit smok'n and i'll quit drink'n
and i'll quit fuckin' them sisters from down the road."

The priest was listening and took pity; reassured him...
"Don't worry boy, your momma is in a better place.
she's in heaven with our Lord and Savior."

"dun' worry father.
i'm just doing this so baby geezus will hear me
and think i's actually upset momma died.
that way i can get into heaven and
not havta go ta hell with that bitch,
and eat her dry ass meatloaf on geezus's birt'day."
#2
Ew.

The dialect is a little much, but it also adds character. Imagery is dead on, pretty perfect for setting the tone, especially with how you opened the piece. I like this a lot.
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#3
"geezus" bothered the **** out of me

rest was very solid. I like it a lot. I dunno. It seems pretty straightforward. Not to say that different meanings can't be taken from it. But I think it's pretty simple and effective.

cheers
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#5
A couple thoughts:
1. Putting ketchup on meatloaf is disgusting.
2. We don't talk like that.

All in all though, I thought this was pretty funny and definitely entertaining. You won't win an award, but it made me smile.
#7
Meh, it does what you want it to do. Lighthearted and smile worthy enough to have me read once or twice.

And I liked the "geezus".

EDIT: Silence, you got a problem with Ketchup and meatloaf?
#8
This made me laugh a bit....I did like the dialect....When I first read it, I immediately thought of Kentucky....and southern Indiana....

Anyway when the priest was talkin...I thought 'Yowr' rather than 'Your' would have completed the southern dialect when the priest was speaking....
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#10
Quote by Eaglestalon101
Anyway when the priest was talkin...I thought 'Yowr' rather than 'Your' would have completed the southern dialect when the priest was speaking....


I like the thought that the priest has a different dialect. It's a contrast between the characters.
#11
Ouch man.

This was a sharp pointed piece. It started off looking like some sort of emotional piece, then wham, bam thank oyu ma'am you hit us with a quick one two of stingy wit. THe conversation is very clever as well.
#12
"...lighthearted and smile worthy; with a bit of a twisted sense of humor."


Well then, congratulations.
#13
I thought it was obvious. Expressions like "greasy mullet" are easy, lazy images for me. Formally, poetically, writing-wise, this did nothing for me. In situations like this, I rely on content, but I can't say I could do that here. I hope this is an exercise piece or something.
#14
I think this is quirky, something you don't usually allow into your writing. And although I laughed, it wasn't a particular image or thought that made me chuckle so, it was the stupidity and seemingly pointless manner about everything. It's like you wrote this in such haste that you didn't care what you were saying and was unaware of what the thoughts and conceptions fully entailed, which is a lovely contrast to the theme which - anyone can tell you feel strongly about.
It also explains and coincides with the characters and typical accents and blah blah blah really well; simple folks trying to be something more. That's what I got from this. That's what I care about, whether that was your original force or not.

Very nice work, Zach.

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