#1
A little something I scratched up a few months ago.


[Verse]
This time, I will not forget
Is it over yet?
Proven to me, proven to be

[Verse]
A feeling of sudden sickness
Passing fashion, I am the illness
Can you hit it on the ictus?
It was held within the fiction

[Chorus]
Keep me in your eyes
I was bitten; she has drawn blood
I now see that you are the only one

Should have, kept me in your sight
I have sunken my fangs into your heart
Upon the burning, It will be returned

[Verse]
Upon no other institution
Have you let me down
Countless, over and over again

[Verse]
Are you pleased with me?
What do you see?
I am as I was before

[Chorus]
Keep me in your eyes
I was bitten; she has drawn blood
I now see that you are the only one

Should have, kept me in your sight
I have sunken my fangs into your heart
Upon the burning, It will be returned

Keep me in your eyes
I was bitten; she has drawn blood
I now see that you are the only one

I should have kept you in my sight
You have sunken your will into my heart
Upon the burning, I will give it all to you


Tell me what you think, I'm very eager to get someone outside opinions!
Last edited by Travesty_Prone at Dec 29, 2008,
#2
its pretty cool, you need to have different signing rhythms throughout the song to really hit it out of the park
If you say Randy Rhoads isn't amazing, I will hunt you down (Same for Marty Friedman)Founder of Rhoads/Friedman pm if you want in..
"guitarists have a thing, where their guitar is like an extension of their penis.." well said, ozzy
#3
yeah i kinda agree that the rhythms are a little unbalanced, but of course it probably sounds much better when it's sung right. i really liked it otherwise, i absolutely love the concept. it's very unique, not just the typical rhymes that everyone seems to use these days. overall very nice job!

(one minor thing you wrote "Countless, oven and over again" im pretty sure its supposed to be "over and over" not oven, just a typing error but i thought id point it out, dont want a great piece to have any flaws like that!)
Quote by chamill4u
Also, start inconspicuously humping the nearest immobile object while darting your eyes back and forth suspiciously. Works best if the nearest immobile object is also the nearest person.



Bend (newest)

Seven To Forever

We've All Seen
#4
Quote by Travesty_Prone
A little something I scratched up a few months ago.


[Verse]
This time, I will not forget
Is it over yet?
Proven to me, proven to be

[Verse]
A feeling of sudden sickness
Passing fashion, I am the illness
Can you hit it on the ictus?
It was held within the fiction

LOVE love love.

[Chorus]
Keep me in your eyes
I was bitten; she has drawn blood
I now see that you are the only one

Should have, kept me in your sight
I have sunken my fangs into your heart
Upon the burning, It will be returned

I like the concept, I jsut don't like the whole fangs, blood thing. I don't see what else you could describe this with, so keep it! Just my opinion however.


[Verse]
Upon no other institution
Have you let me down
Countless, oven and over again

Ovens are nice and toasty, but to be honest I don't think it fits... :P I'd try the word 'over' instead.
[Verse]
Are you pleased with me?
What do you see?
I am as I was before

I relaly like these short little verses... not sure how they'd flow tho.

[Chorus]
Keep me in your eyes
I was bitten; she has drawn blood
I now see that you are the only one

Should have, kept me in your sight
I have sunken my fangs into your heart
Upon the burning, It will be returned

Keep me in your eyes
I was bitten; she has drawn blood
I now see that you are the only one

I should have kept you in my sight
You have sunken your will into my heart
Upon the burning, I will give it all to you

I like the reversal here.



Tell me what you think, I'm very eager to get someone outside opinions!


Overall, pretty good! I'd say it needs some fine tuning, but you've got a good start.
Quote by thedefrockednun


DAMN YOU I SIGGED HER FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I demand, in the name of the rt, that you change your sig...


NOW!!!!!!!!!




Quote by rigiddigits
RT meet!! Of epic global proportions!!!*
*world may asplode due to unprecedented levels of awesome.
#5
Thanks guys, I really appreciate all this.

I was worried about the short verses, too. But, something cool I found about them is that my drummer, bless his soul, decided to but these half measure fills after them in the fourth verse, and it really helps to build up to the chorus.

And yeah, the whole fangs and blood thing was just the first thing I came up with for the chorus.

So, if you guys have any songs I can crit, lemme know and I'll get at it!
#6
well not to be selfish, but if you could crit my poem "Bend" thatd be really appreciated. im askin you because i loved your piece very much and i feel it is MUCH better than mine so maybe you could give me some ideas to make it better. if ya dont wann totally fine, if ya do thanks in advance =]
Quote by chamill4u
Also, start inconspicuously humping the nearest immobile object while darting your eyes back and forth suspiciously. Works best if the nearest immobile object is also the nearest person.



Bend (newest)

Seven To Forever

We've All Seen