#1
This isnt really a song, more of a poem. its my first poem, i know its not very good but i felt like posting it for ideas. rip it apart for me if you read it.

"Bend"


You've used me as a pawn for far too long
On your chessboard
That you call a life,
With eyes closed you play on no one's accord,
We're just game pieces, right?

Besides, forever is yesterday's news,
Seems like just then you were singing
"We'll be together forever",
Now all you hear from us is the blues

Forever was not that long anyway
It's only a measurement of time,
It only lasts as long as the smile on your face
So it only lasts as long as mine,

Is there really nothing more to say?
Under such a cloudy sky,
Even on the clearest day

Is this really how it will end?
I must have broken so easily,
I didn't even bend

With every second we spent together,
All you thoughts ignoring me
It was so hard for me to pretend
That you didn't just worry about the end,
I must have broken so easily
Without having the chance to bend.


i know its pretty bad but give me ideas how to make it better! =]
Quote by chamill4u
Also, start inconspicuously humping the nearest immobile object while darting your eyes back and forth suspiciously. Works best if the nearest immobile object is also the nearest person.



Bend (newest)

Seven To Forever

We've All Seen
Last edited by Mr.RiffPicker at Dec 29, 2008,
#2
Quote by Mr.RiffPicker
This isnt really a song, more of a poem. its my first poem, i know its not very good but i felt like posting it for ideas. rip it apart for me if you read it.

"Bend"


You've used me as a pawn for far too long,
On your chessboard,
That you call a life,
You don't really need to give the metaphor a name. It's implied, and the same prupose would be served by taking the 2nd and 3rd lines out
With eyes closed you play on no one's accord,
We're just game pieces, right?

Besides, forever is yesterday's news,
Seems like just then you were singing,
"We'll be together forever",
Now we're singing the blues,
The last line seems a little cliche. Try to find a way to say it in different words; the idea is fine, it's just how it's presented

Forever was not that long in the first place,
maybe use 'anyway' instead of 'in the first place'
It's only a measurement of time,
It only lasts as long as the smile on your face,
So therefore, it lasts the same as mine,
I don't really like the way 'therefore' sounds there. I also don't get what you're saying.

Is there really nothing more to say?
Under a sky so cloudy,
Even on the clearest day,
Try rewording the last two lines

Is this really how it will end?
I must have broken so easily,
I didn't even bend,
I like the last 2 lines

With every second we spent together,
All your thoughts ignoring me,
It was so hard for me to pretend,
That you didn't just worry about the end,
I must have broken so easily,
Having never been given the chance to bend.
Didn't like the way the last line was worded


i know its pretty bad but give me ideas how to make it better! =]

It's not bad, but you might want to look over it a few times and read it out loud to get the flow and rhythm down. You can say the same thing in less words; it will be more enjoyable to read and say what exactly what it needs to without tripping over filler. Once thing that bugged me was the amount of commas you used. When you have a line break, you don't really need a comma unless the pause needs to be emphasized more than the rest. The line break will naturally create the same effect as a comma most of the time and using both just makes it overkill; punctuation in poetry is a lot more meaningful and precise than other writing.

Good start =] Keep writing
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#3
You've used me as a pawn for far too long
Using me as you will on your chessboard
Controlling everything care in my life,
Because, I'm just a game piece, right?

Really liking the chess imagery here. (I actually wish you would've kept the game imagery throughout the piece) .made a few changes though to help with the flow

Besides, forever is yesterday's news,
Seems like you were justt singing
"We'll be together forever",
Now all we sing is the blues

just a few changes to help with the flow.


Forever doesn't last that long
It's only a measurement of time,
It only lasts as long as the smile on your face
So it only lasts as long as mine,

The idea presented here is very touching. I like it. but I think the third line definitely needs to be trimmed down. also the second line is a bit lackluster.

Is there really nothing more to say?
Under such a cloudy sky,
Even on the clearest day

I'm confused by this. how can it be a cloudy sky if it's the clearest day

Is this really how it will end?
I must have broken so easily,
I didn't even bend

Again, a confusing stanza. If you a you break easily, wouldn't you bend.

With every second we spent together,
All you thoughts ignoring me
It was so hard for me to pretend
That you didn't just worry about the end,
I must have broken so easily
Without having the chance to bend.


Anyways, I think you're b.s.ing that this is your first poem. (Just kidding I believe you. ) It was really enjoyable. just a few minor hitches . Anyways, I hope to read more from you.

Crit mine please
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1032236
#4
thanks "marsvolta"! just because you had some questions about it ill answer (hopefully the mods dont consider this bumping because im answering someone's question)

the line "under such a cloudy sky, even on the clearest day"
the "cloudy" part is the metaphor, in other words im saying, even the though the sky is clear, everything is cloudy to me, like confusing.

and the "wouldnt you bend?" question, the point im making is that i snapped so fast i didnt bend, like breaking a cracker for example, it doesnt really bend it just breaks, thats what im trying to say.

thanks a bunch though for the modifications you made, i do like the way it sounds now
Quote by chamill4u
Also, start inconspicuously humping the nearest immobile object while darting your eyes back and forth suspiciously. Works best if the nearest immobile object is also the nearest person.



Bend (newest)

Seven To Forever

We've All Seen
#5
Quote by Mr.RiffPicker



You've used me as a pawn for far too long
On your chessboard
That you call a life,
With eyes closed you play on no one's accord,
We're just game pieces, right?


I actually like how you rhyme within a line, 'pawn/far too long'
But, the whole 'that you call a life' could be altered to flow. Maybe, 'on a chessboard representing life,' that way you can still keep the rhyme. I guess it depends on what you're going for.


Besides, forever is yesterday's news,
Seems like just then you were singing
"We'll be together forever",
Now all you hear from us is the blues


Instead of 'besides,' you could use 'after all,' but I really do like what this part is saying.


Forever was not that long anyway
It's only a measurement of time,
It only lasts as long as the smile on your face
So it only lasts as long as mine,


Instead of 'was,' is it supposed to be 'is'?


Is there really nothing more to say?
Under such a cloudy sky,
Even on the clearest day

Is this really how it will end?
I must have broken so easily,
I didn't even bend

With every second we spent together,
All you thoughts ignoring me
It was so hard for me to pretend
That you didn't just worry about the end,
I must have broken so easily
Without having the chance to bend.

I don't really understand this one, haha; so it's a little hard to say...




More later maybe! I like this!