#1
Don't let the tender feelings
of past entries
fool you.
No, I'm a man quick to laugh
and slow to care otherwise.
It's just that I've
been on the run for far too long,
enduring the hell and high water
that is the
broken relationships
with broken people
and even fate itself.
Truth be told, I'm
still afraid of what my father says to me.
He has this
tone in his voice
that just pushes me around,
makes me wait on him.

I can wait.
Endure.
But Daisy won't.
And neither will the rent.
You're only as good as what you do
when the shit hits the fan.
when the law hits the bottle
and leaves you suspended
in anarchy.
So when trouble came to town
I put on my cowboy hat,
rolled up my sleeves and said
"Don't you talk to me like that again
or I'll whip your ass."
Last edited by Ninjamonkey767 at Dec 29, 2008,
#2
But Daisy won't.
And neither will the rent.
You're only as good as what you do

I feel like you should expand on this or take it out.
it just feels empty and unexplained.

other than that this was very good.
i enjoyed reading it.
although the ending was a bit of a let down.
#3
I absolutedly loved were this piece was going, and I think that you certainly have an imaginative way of writing. I thouroughly enjoyed your work even if the ending seemed almost "incomplete" or rushed. Overall, I'd certainly like to see this later on in a more finished form with music because its certainly heading in the right direction!
BROCCOLIS
I ated them all.
#4
Quote by Ninjamonkey767
Don't let the tender feelings
of past entries
fool you.
No, I'm a man quick to laugh
and slow to care otherwise.

Nice intro, and setting the mood

It's just that I've
been on the run for far too long,
enduring the hell and high water
that is the
broken relationships
with broken people
and even fate itself.

The first half of this was great....then, came the 'that is the' part which splits the flow, it worked....

Truth be told, I'm
still afraid of what my father says to me.
He has this
tone in his voice
that just pushes me around,
makes me wait on him.

I feel the same way....

I can wait.
Endure.
But Daisy won't.
And neither will the rent.

The second line, I think you should add 'to' for flow on the second line....other than that, so far so good

You're only as good as what you do
when the shit hits the fan.
when the law hits the bottle
and leaves you suspended
in anarchy.
So when trouble came to town
I put on my cowboy hat,
rolled up my sleeves and said
"Don't you talk to me like that again
or I'll whip your ass."

I can't say anything about this part here



Overall, I thought it was a pretty good piece.....didn't quite feel the emotion towards the end as I did from the beginning....
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
#5
That you for the crits, guys. I'll return them when I have something valuable to say

I'm probably going to change the ending. I just couldn't think of anything else for him to say. I might end with a dialogue, I might not.
#8
Quote by Ninjamonkey767
Don't let the tender feelings
of past entries
fool you.
No, I'm a man quick to laugh
and slow to care otherwise.

Would re do this:

No. I'm a man.
Quick to laugh and
slow to care otherwise.

It gives more power to the short jabby thoughts that really need to be highlighted.


It's just that I've
been on the run for far too long,
enduring the hell and high water
that is the <- lose the "the"
broken relationships
with broken people
and even fate itself.<- Lose this line. + Stanza Break

Truth be told, I'm
still afraid of what my father says to me.
He has this
tone in his voice
that just pushes me around,
makes me wait on him.

I can wait.
Endure.
But Daisy won't.
And neither will the rent.

Last two.... drop them. Starts a whole new undercurrent which undermines what you're after.

You're only as good as what you do
when the shit hits the fan.
when the law hits the bottle
and leaves you suspended
in anarchy.
So when trouble came to town
I put on my cowboy hat,
rolled up my sleeves and said
"Don't you talk to me like that again
or I'll whip your ass."

This was honestly, the only saving grace of this. This was inspired... everything else; you were far too wishy-washy. This is where the tone hits... this is where you grab me by my balls and say "God-Damnit; this is important. READ READ READ." and I just say "yessa massa." This was a slice of fried gold.



Everything leading up to the ending.... sucked; to be blunt about it. It carried none of the tone or oomph or general charisma that your writing has. It wasn't even necessary for that last section. You could have started with "you're only as..." and I would have offered you a blowjob when I finished reading it. Instead... I might give you a kiss... but I'm not going home with you; no matter how drunk I am... and the fact my friends left me with you at the bar.

I hope that metaphor makes sense.
#10
you comment way too often on my work, and it seems like i rarely pay you back.

i want to let you know though, that i do read, regardless. and it seems like you're budding-out in directions you've never taken before, and i've grown quite accustomed to liking your work.
good job.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#11
Quote by Ninjamonkey767
Don't let the tender feelings
of past entries
"past entries" What relevance does that have? I can see why you said it in terms of explaining something, but not in the way that you did it, like you were reciting a diary entry os something.
fool you.
I like the interesting line breaks, although once again, it's hard to why there here in this way.
No, I'm a man quick to laugh
and slow to care otherwise.
I like this line, although it does feel like it could be worded better and it's not the most of original of ideas. I don't like it as much as you would of liked 'cause I remember writing a relatively similar line before in one of my past pieces.
It's just that I've
been on the run for far too long,
enduring the hell and high water
that is the
broken relationships
with broken people
I enjoyed the repetition of "broken", but I didn't like the lines coming up to it.

and even fate itself.
I like the desperation of what is going on here in this line. It's like you are losing your proper functions; your mental stability, because of all what is going on around you and inside you.
Truth be told, I'm
still afraid of what my father says to me.
He has this
tone in his voice
that just pushes me around,
makes me wait on him.
Simple, but powerful. Maybe because I can relate to it or maybe because you have spoke about it before, either way, I thought it was very solid.

I can wait.
Endure.
But Daisy won't.
And neither will the rent.
I'm not overly keen on this line.
You're only as good as what you do
when the shit hits the fan.
Should there be a fullstop here? Quality writing.
when the law hits the bottle
and leaves you suspended
in anarchy.
Don't like the word "anarchy", it feels too predetermined and goes against what you are saying starkly.
So when trouble came to town
I put on my cowboy hat,
rolled up my sleeves and said
"Don't you talk to me like that again
or I'll whip your ass."
Kind of a let down, the ending is. It's excatly what I was expecting and I wasn't shown any sort of grittiness. It felt like you were trying to be harsh and lethal for the sake of it. Like you were proud to be a rebel when being a rebel is sort of the opposite. I don't mean that in a derogatory manner, I'm just saying I wasn't keen on the ending. It was just very medicore.


Digitally Clean
#12
I think the idea at the end was really great, before that last line the cowboy image there was very strong indeed. However, I think that in contrast with the rest of the piece the execution there was either weak or just unfitting.

I hated how you based your line breaks around end of the line rhyme most of the time rather than the natural flow. I've seen you do it a few times. It breaks everything up and stops subtlety.

Run with the image rather than the rant, I feel. Give it story, backstory, and therefore strength.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!