#1
i love the person this was written about, i hope that shows.


close them

and picture me laying on your chest
crying that i love you

she said
down in iowa
there are fireflies;
angels that chase
prepubescent boys
who still bathe
nude in the reeds

in the summer
you can hear
the whisper

“catch me if you can”

faint
the echo;
straw field murmurs
midnight breeze
purple moonlight
mysterious
but not suspicious enough
to turn your head

oregon sunrise
seeping through your blinds
like a tear splash
in an urn

no one, sunrise says,
will ever touch what you have taken
from me,
just be patient
and wait for summer’s giggle
that we know will never come again

put out of your head, sunlight says,
where your eyes are looking:
across pictures, notes, and earrings,

close them,
let the straw bend
let the boys cover their shame
let your lashes hum of their own accord,
close them
Last edited by #1 synth at Dec 29, 2008,
#2
<333
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#8
An absolutely perfect piece of writing.
It had a very faint sense about it, which is what I find you do very well. Sometimes it can be too faint and distant, but this was bang on.
I'm going to come back and read this more - I feel I can find more from it if I do.
#9
there's really nothing to criticize here. I absolutely love the tone you establish and maintain throughout this poem.

I'd agree with those saying this was one of the best poems you've written.

actually I just re-read and found something to criticize. The first three lines don't really fit the poem at all. I don't like them really. the she said works as a great opening so I don't think they're needed either.
#12
I agree about the first three lines. Actually, I completely missed them out the first time.

God you've hit me with your last few pieces.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#13
yeah this was phenomenal.


some of the strongest writing of my recent memory.
Love it.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#14
nice imagery
nice concecpt
but the second to last stanza
i would consider lagniappe
Reaching for the sun
one may forget
the feet which
ground him
#15
i enjoyed this for sure, really well done.
my only complaint might be

no one, sunrise says,
will ever touch what you have taken
from me,
just be patient
and wait for summer’s giggle
that we know will never come again

i thought that was kinda idk, lame compared to the rest of the piece. it might be the 'giggle' that really threw it off for me, it seems almost too childish. otherwise great work.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1036697
theres mine if you could say or two, that would be okay.