#1

dot.
ink
something like
a new beginning
a new year, I guess...
a
s w i t c h
i n
digits
backwards growth
wishes
suggestive words for
cinnamon summers
we are blowing a hole in time
we are
grabbing the universe
by it's pointy corners
and twisting it
whole.
space lines
intertwine
we are drawing
comparisons between constellations
and making planets rhyme.
we
storm
through
winter
we leave it out of
power,
altered and
bizarre.
blizzard.
this whole world needs a break?
I bet god is praying for a snow day
for an ellipse in
humanity
.
Last edited by circular.parade at Dec 30, 2008,
#3
THis was so good, yet the whole gimmicky nature of the piece ruined it for me. I really wanted to enjoy this, but until you lose the gimmicks, this is just a piece tring far, far too hard.
#4
I kinda agree with Kyle, but don't get rid of too much, or you forget the whole point of it all. I also thought a few linebreaks were a little off, but really, I enjoyed this.
#5
Quote by kdownes
THis was so good, yet the whole gimmicky nature of the piece ruined it for me. I really wanted to enjoy this, but until you lose the gimmicks, this is just a piece tring far, far too hard.


gimmicks? you mean the form? or just the font changes/spaces? I want to consider but I am so unsure of what you are talking about. Please try and be precise when you say something like this?

I will revise line breaks soon. thanks.
#6
I really like the method to the writing here. It didn't feel like a gimmick to me personally. I also thought that there are only maybe one or two sections where the line breaks could be improved. They add to the theme and atmosphere of 'change' and the need for it to sometimes be present. Also how it can go too far in the one direction, whether it's an obscure one or whether it's a straight one.

I thought the ending needed more focus though. It just kind of appeared out of nowhere and made for slightly clumsy writing. Just a thought.

I'm going to try and return to this because it's very interesting and I might have something else to say if I find it.
#7
ah, believe it or not, I actually agree with your comment a lot. I was getting worried the general idea wasn't as obvious as I thought.
I am so unsatisfied with the ending, I tried to change it up a bit this morning, expand it with an additional line or two, just for the flow's sake, but couldn't come up with anything close to satisfying. Anything I can look at, Dan?
#8
It's very hard to do, I'm afriad.
It must be awfully frustrating, but I don't really know why the ending seems so abrupt and unintentional, so I can't really give any recommendation as to what would alleviate the problem. Maybe it's the way in which "god" was brought in so quickly, without some sought of introduction, when everything had such excellent beginings, that broke the flow? The relation of the snow is of course relevant and coincides with most of the piece, but not the "god" theme, not presently so, and that probably brings in a new standing for the reader, and the piece already seems to have so many different tributaries to venture down (not a bad thing)
Maybe you could of stood with the same quick snappy, seemingly uncontrolled diction instead of referring back to standard writing for the ending. I don't know, really.
Soz guv.

BTW, I don't actually like the word "blizzard" in the way that it is here. Maybe you could alter that, and in turn find few new options and directions to take. But you don't want to change it too much or else you will lose the charm of it.
#9
I'm also with Kyle... I thought using things like spacing out s w i t c h and the other stuff really just takes away from the beauty of the images. Also; the universe doesn't have edges (and consequently no corners). From an imagery standpoint that was nice; for a physicist/astronomer... that pulled me so far out of the piece being distraught about the lack of fact that it really ruined the whole read for me. The bold on humanity... lose it; and I think your ending tucks itself in better... and honestly completes piece well. It's that sudden sharp distinction drawn out by the bold that really hurts this. I also hated the underlines; and the word "blizzard" as its own line instead of tucked next too "bizarre" where it could have really rolled off the tongue.

I'd lose all hte underlines and bolds and spaces and stuff... it really didn't add much of anything for me. That may have been the point of the piece... the syntax stuff like that.... but I think its strong enough that shrouding it behind a veil of authorial charades like that is doing more harm than good.
#10
since i have somewhat of an apparent "problem" with linebreaks in my work, i on the other hand, liked this. not out of spite, please don't get me wrong.
i feel like the linebreaks allow the reader to focus in on the more-important areas that sometimes hide from view until a subsequent re-read. and in any case, i felt like every break had a very pretty word in place.

it was a pleasure to read this.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#11
Zach, since when is poetry based on facts?

Anyways Mat, I agree that this piece is strong enough to stand, and probably better without the underlining/bolding/spacing, particularly with "humanity" at the end.

I did enjoy the line breaks too, and the writing was solid.

Cheers.