#1
Heres a poem i wrote. I'm new at this so don't be too critical:
Only those who have the ability to remain the same
At night as well as during the day,
Are subject to love or happiness.
For the burning orange and crimson of autumn,
Though quite visible by day,
Dwindles into a miserable black nothingness by night.
Like the bright autumn leaves, I smile and laugh during the day,
But by nightfall, these smiles and laughs are distorted into an endless frown.
Parties or other social gatherings are out of reach.
Because once entrapped in the unpenetrable veil that night places upon me,
Nothing will be able to escape or enter.
All that is left inside is misery, which circles around me like an angry storm.
I am in the eye of this storm, which though seemingly tranquil, everywhere around for miles is being assaulted by an unending barrage of misery.
Because of the surrounding area, I just lie there, completely still,
And fall into a deep death-like trance.
But I have not truly reached the comfort of death.
I have not yet allowed myself to be carried away to a carefree paradise.
But as the grains of sand in time’s unending hourglass
Slowly drop – one by one,
The cat in my mind continues to stalk its prey – me.
And once that cat decides that it is finally time to pounce,
There will be no stopping that gleaming blade that is always with me
From reaching its unprotected mark.
#2
Only those who have the ability to remain the same
At night as well as during the day,
Are subject to love or happiness.
For the burning orange and crimson of autumn,
Though quite visible by day,
Dwindles into a miserable black nothingness by night.
Like the bright autumn leaves, I smile and laugh during the day,
But by nightfall, these smiles and laughs are distorted into an endless frown. That line kind of feels like it lost the poetic momentum, if you will. Try to elaborate more on the idea of "an endless frown." Really explore the process of coming to that upon the arrival of nightfall.
Parties or other social gatherings are out of reach. Again, try to dissect this line's meaning a bit more. Describe parties and social gatherings in the context of the poem and their place in the emotional landscape.
Because once entrapped in the unpenetrable veil that night places upon me,
Nothing will be able to escape or enter.
All that is left inside is misery, which circles around me like an angry storm.
I am in the eye of this storm, which though seemingly tranquil, everywhere around for miles is being assaulted by an unending barrage of misery. I wouldn't reuse "misery" here, try to find another word or phrase. Try to give it more impact, also.
Because of the surrounding area, I just lie there, completely still,
And fall into a deep death-like trance.
But I have not truly reached the comfort of death.
I have not yet allowed myself to be carried away to a carefree paradise.
But as the grains of sand in time’s unending hourglass
Slowly drop – one by one,
The cat in my mind continues to stalk its prey – me.
And once that cat decides that it is finally time to pounce,
There will be no stopping that gleaming blade that is always with me
From reaching its unprotected mark. Good, strong ending!

Overall pretty good. With some well thought out further development, it could be great. C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1033980
We're only strays.
#4
that blew my mind! truly!
profound enough to mean a couple differnt things but specific enough to be understood

I would love to hear a comment back
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1034101
My songs [off the map/Ghost town]
Tell me, can you heal what Father's done?
Or cut this rope and let us run?
Just when all seems fine and I'm pain free
You jab another pin, jab another pin in me

- Fixxxer
#6
i can understand people wanting comments in return, however I think you should at least write a comment.

EDIT: that made no sense lol. what i was trying to say is that if you want me to look at your poem, you should at least comment on mine.