#1
ots. I feel dirty.


The body falls

flying like an acrobat
graceful and poised
an art
picture perfect horror
painted scream
veins like bubbling brooks
carrying fat happy trout
it would look so dear
in sparkling spandex
the audience watches breathless

breathtaking.

a falling chandelier -
the glass hits the ground and shatters
spilling glittering red shards
such a lovely little package holding
an explosion of scarlet jewels
spattering like fireworks
glorious

brains emerge
on a classy bone platter

I wonder what was in there.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

Last edited by vintage x metal at Dec 30, 2008,
#4
- "such a lovely little package holding
an explosion of scarlet jewels
spattering like fireworks
glorious
"
- Beautiful.

I'm going to try and return to this because I'm finding it difficult to really delve into it properly. If I forget and you still want to me to come back, let me know.
#5
if i'm reading this right, it was morbidly delightful.
you spawned a plain of vivid images without giving away your intentions.

good stuff rite 'char.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#6
Quote by vintage x metal
ots. I feel dirty.


The body falls

flying like an acrobat
graceful and poised
an art
picture perfect horror
painted scream

veins like bubbling brooks
carrying fat happy trout
it would look so dear
in sparkling spandex
the audience watches breathless

breathtaking.

a falling chandelier -
the glass hits the ground and shatters
spilling glittering red shards
such a lovely little package holding
an explosion of scarlet jewels
spattering like fireworks
glorious

brains emerge
on a classy bone platter

I wonder what was in there.


These lines did it for me. The choice of words here is brilliant and there's some really great imagery really. I'm sure everyone sees the same street and hazy lights as I do. Great idea for the climax. I really wish I'd thought of it myself. Last 3 lines are brilliant.


C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=17021302#post17021302
#7
Thank you everyone =] All my poetry has been kind of self-centered lately so I thought I'd switch it up a little and just enjoy writing.

I'll get to your poems soon; I'm writing college essays and it's really tedious. Just leave a link please.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#9
The more and more I read this, the more and more I feel disturbed. It is a very good piece and I really enoyed reading it. It is certainly something to remember, it had such character and depth.
#11
this is absolutely grotesquely delightful
light hearted and very humorous
with horrifying undertones
i adore it
the last line is outrageously succinct
I know you think that I'm someone you can trust.
But I'm scared i'll get scared and i swear i'll try to nail you back up.



Female SouperHero
#12
I feel this is very very well done.
I read this over and I got kind of a possiblity this could be from the point of view of an innocent oblivious child who is observing and thinks it's wonderful and doesn't fully understand the magnitude of the situation.
Great piece, 9/10 easy.

C4C?
A Quart of My Oil Can Lubricate Your Internal Combustion Engine For The Night
#13
I loved

veins like bubbling brooks
carrying fat happy trout


Things like this I feel add to the depth of a poem immensely, I imagined it, the great imagery provided microscope effect for me, if you know what I mean. The last line really captures the innocence and obliviousness and delivers such a true emotion.
Goodness gracious me!
#15
Quote by AngryGoldfish
The more and more I read this, the more and more I feel disturbed. It is a very good piece and I really enoyed reading it. It is certainly something to remember, it had such character and depth.

=]
Thank you


Thank you everyone. I've returned all critiques. If I missed you just let me know.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#16
You have an uncommonly good sense of poetic elements that is refreshing. Definitely the strong point of your poem. I'm not a fan of the single-word lines, but that's just preference. I also enjoy the subtlety of the meaning of this, until it gets to the "brains emerge" line. I can't decide whether I like it or not, because my favorite part of this was the last line, which I thought was relatively brilliant, but it wouldn't have worked without the "brains" line. I just thought the line kind of spoiled the subtlety which I really dug about this, but maybe that was your intention. Also, it's preference, as previously stated, but I really like plot within songs/poetry, which this lacks to me, but then again, the beauty of it is that it's almost like peering into the head of an insane person. Intriguing but hard to follow without a closer look. Anyway, I would give this a 7.5/10. Quite good.

It would be much appreciated if you would critique my song, Comma, that's linked in my sig. Thanks, and good job.
#17
I see you like alliteration. Good job in not overdoing it though. Excellent line breaks too. You took such a simple idea and made it intriguing. I'd love to tear this apart but I just can't.

Nice work.

The links in my sig are both poems. I don't expect any comments, but just if you want something to read.
#18
I normally get annoyed by how self-centred your pieces are, and this was a refreshing change. I would almost go as far as to say beautiful, but i think beautifully disturbing is better. Really, really great piece. If you want to crit something, there's a link in my sig "for alex"
#19
You're a good writer Saadia, keep it up!
Quote by vintage x metal
idk if my vagina can handle all of this at once.


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It's a good time too stop when you start ejaculating air, right?


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