#1
Hi all, this is just a short piece i've been working on today. Hope you enjoy it.

Rape

raperaperaperaperaperaoperaoperaoperaoperaoprahOprah****ingOprah!

Social focking rape, won't be caught on any tape, seems...to leave...in dreams, and GIVE ME SOME INNER PEACE!

Cold rape, annihilation, emulation, sick elation sleeps.

Keep me up all night and bow.

kowtow.

bind your feet.

beat the meat.

Fuck life's sentientity.

Fuck mediocrity.

Fuck existence for existence's sake.

Fuck nostalgic cold summers and photos of lakes.

Fuck your Mt. Hutt.

Fuck your volunteering, preening, staring, smiling, shearing, feeding, raping, needing.

Fuck modesty.

Fuck your fashions charading as passions, made of the fall, when your homogenised acid milk swallows itself whole. Oh! And let's not forget the times we had wearing matching clothes and it made us feel little less like absent-minded retarded cunts using faces as badges and our handhelds as drugs.

Let's not forget that cold summers are futile, and meaningful lives short.

I'm scared shitless when I think of your existence amongst PREENING COHORTS!

(I'm always) I NEVER GO TO ANY PLACE I CANNOT FUCKING LEAVE!!!!!! (inside that place)





Happy holidays Myspacer trendster hipster fucks!

Enjoy your Palm Pilots and short memory BEFORE YOU REALISE YOU SUCK!!!!!!
Last edited by Robert_Gray at Dec 30, 2008,
#2
I think you have some major issues... maybe consider seeing a psychiatrist.....
#3
Quote by Casp666
I think you have some major issues... maybe consider seeing a psychiatrist.....


Just so you know, this wasn't written from my viewpoint, but rather from that of a psychotic misanthropic character i created to try and explore that mindset.
I actually do have some issues myself, but the worst of them is that I can hardly ever keep my new year's resolutions .

any comment on the piece itself?
#4
First, sort out the expletives so they don't come out as *s, but was words.

Then sort out the ugly capitals.
#5
Quote by ginjaninja
First, sort out the expletives so they don't come out as *s, but was words.

Then sort out the ugly capitals.


how do I do that?

and the capitals are necessary
#6
Quote by Robert_Gray
how do I do that?

and the capitals are necessary



Either colour tags, font, or size around part of the word.
For example, this post is black, so I'll put
I like eating shit, it's delicious.
To get
I like eating shit, it's delicious.


As to the capitals, really? I think you should consider using different words, and sounds to get across a character.
Last edited by ginjaninja at Dec 30, 2008,
#9
I'll tell you how to read this: one word at a time.

Since when did poetry need to explain itself?
#11
Quote by grayelbows
well usually poetry has a flow. this sounded like you were just scribbling words down. no offense


none taken.

crit the piece? I think it does have a flow, just a very angry one.
#13
Thanks. It was semi-OTS and an imitation of Strapping Young Lad, but thanks for critting it anyway. It's been three days so i'm guessing no one else is going to.
#15
It's different.

It needs some definition though... some direction if you will. Right now; all I get is 13 year old pissed off angsty rambling. I'd have never guessed you were going for a certain style character etc. I think you really need to work on defining the character via tone AND better controlling your narration. Letting it free is one thing; letting it completely ruin the piece by overpowering topic you attempt to cover is another. What you had here was the latter. The way you wrote this overtook whatever you were trying to accomplish and left us with nothing but a lot of swearing and the assumption that a pissed off 13 year old wrote it.

Thanks for getting to mine,

-zC
#16
It's sporadic. If it is in intentional, it doesn't seem like it, so.. Maybe read through it a few times. Also, emotion and rage are more effective without excessive expletives. Use them where they count.

I do like the mix of serious and less serious notes though. It's amusing but doesn't take away from the purpose.
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